Spurious News: Trump to "un-pardon" Hunter Biden!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- On Sunday, December 1, 2024, President Joe Biden enraged the entire Trump-loving world by pardoning his son Hunter, who was awaiting sentencing after being found guilty of lying on a federal form to buy a pistol. Prosecutors and judges familiar with the law he broke say it's the first time they ever heard of anyone being convicted of that crime without also being convicted of something else.
"It's almost universally seen as a secondary offense," said Judge Tanya Chutkan, a federal jurist who serves on the DC Circuit. "Imagine you convicted someone smuggling 20 pounds of marijuana and it's his first offense. That crime has a 60-month mandatory minimum. If the individual purchased his gun by lying on the federal form you can add up to 10 years as a consecutive sentence. But all by itself? I know a lot of prosecutors and most of them wouldn't entertain this as a stand-alone offense."
President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump is so enraged by this pardon he has announced that he will, "on the first day," revoke Hunter's pardon as well as all the other pardons President Biden has issued.
Trump aides who spoke on the condition of anonymity, most through locked doors or in dark alleys, admit Trump can't revoke a pardon. "Once someone's pardoned you can't reverse it," said a Trump confidante who insisted we call him Biggus Dickus, a character in Monty Python's "The Life of Brian." Mr. Dickus described about a dozen pardons that probably should have been reversed, many of which were issued by Trump in his first administration, then said "with pardons there aren't any take-backs. Once someone's pardoned he stays that way, but President Trump wants to be a leader who follows his heart...and, unfortunately, his heart says all Democrats should be boiled in oil." Mr. Dickus says he has no idea what he or his team will do if Trump tries to boil anyone in oil. "I guess, call the restaurant supply stores and auto parts stores to ask them not to sell President Trump any oil."
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