Spurious News: President Biden signs You Broke It, You Buy It Act
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- In November 2020, former President Trump lost the election to current President Joe Biden. Dozens of lawsuits and illegal acts by the former president and his inner circle culminated in an attack by Trump-aligned militia members and white supremacist groups on the Capitol on January 6, 2021, in an attempt to stop the official certification of the election and force the count into the House of Representatives who would have put him back in office.
During the attack, Trump's friends committed thousands of crimes and caused $30 million in damage to the historic structure commonly known as "the People's House."
In November 2024 Trump was reelected as president. He has pledged to pardon everyone involved in the attack.
"That means the bill for restoring the damage Trump caused to the Capitol will be handed to the American people. We think this is unacceptable," said California Democratic Representative Adam Schiff. "In the private sector, someone who damages something is obligated to pay for it. We think the same thing should apply to people who damage public buildings."
Rep. Schiff sponsored the You Broke It, You Buy It Act of 2024. The bill sailed through Congress on a largely party-line vote and was signed by the president this morning.
"The Architect of the Capitol compiled a list of damages to the structure. It came to $30 million," said Rep. Schiff. "The You Broke It, You Buy It Act provides that the second President Trump pardons any of the participants in the Capitol attack, a bill in the amount of $30 million will be presented to him."
The Act requires that the bill be paid using President-for-Life Trump's personal assets and that it be paid in cash. "We're not taking Bitcoin. We're not taking Elon Musk's filthy money, Mafia money or campaign contributions from his supporters. We're not taking rubles. And we sure the fuck aren't taking a check - any check from Donald Trump is nothing more than an assault on an innocent tree. We're demanding cash on the barrelhead and it's got to be $5 bills - which he will have to personally count out on the Comptroller of the Currency's desk."
President-for-Life Trump was, as expected, enraged. "Where in the fuck does Shitty Schiffy think I'm going to get $30 million in $5 bills?" Representative Schiff pointed out that banks will get you all the $5 bills you want and Trump's side business, like selling challenge coins, guitars and perfume, should be generating enough income to enable him to pay his debt.
It is believed that President-for-Life Trump will pay the debt by purchasing $500 cars off Craigslist, mailing the sellers bad checks for $1500 and asking them to return the difference to him.
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