Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line (satire)

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Published: April 1, 2025

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. “Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight line of aerial bombardments along the shoulder here,” Marcus Hensley of the Virginia State Police said to a visibly flushed Hegseth, who dabbed sweat from his brow as he was told he would also need to recite the branches of the military in backward alphabetical order.

“I’d like you to call in nine drone strikes, counting each one out loud, and then carry out nine more back toward me. Take a deep breath first, if you need to. Just go ahead and place those AGM-114 Hellfire missiles one in front of the other for me. Keep your eyes on your MQ-9 Reaper drones and begin whenever you’re ready.”

At press time, sources confirmed Hegseth was sitting in the back of the officer’s cruiser after accidentally incinerating a passing Chevy Tahoe.

https://theonion.com/highway-patrol-officer-asks-pete-hegseth-to-carry-out-drone-strikes-in-straight-line/