College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle (satire)

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Published: April 1, 2025

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow me, it seems these masked gentlemen want us to wrap things up in their black SUV,” said tour guide and Cornell junior Jacob Geisner, who was preparing to describe the college’s housing options and meal plans when three ICE officers in street clothes rushed up and, without identifying themselves, demanded the group of 16- and 17-year-olds come with them immediately. “This isn’t a scheduled part of the tour, but I can tell you we’re currently leaving the campus at about 100 miles per hour.

Out that window, you’ll see the last glimpse of our largest dining hall, named after Toni Morrison. At this point I need to depart from my prepared script because I don’t know where they’re taking us, but this highway does go to the nearest major airport, in Syracuse, and it sounds like we all need to bind our wrists with these heavy-duty zip ties or they’ll treat us as if we’re resisting arrest.” At press time, the Department of Homeland Security issued a short statement saying the tour group was now in a detention facility in Jena, LA.

https://theonion.com/college-campus-tour-ends-inside-unmarked-ice-vehicle/