Idiot Rapist Also a One-Man Recession (Ferret/Shower Cap)
You’re probably seeing the term “mad king” all over the place this week, but I honestly don’t think that’s fair. What we’re dealing with here is a stupid king. A dumbass. An imbecile. A bag-of-hammers, thinks-a-cognitive-test-measures-intelligence, have-you-considered-drinking-bleach dipshit.
(Holy crap, so many links await ye at: https://showercapblog.com/idiot-rapist-also-a-one-man-recession/)
I mention this because he just blew up the global economy. I imagine you’ve noticed by now.
Though I suppose you never know. I don’t get a lot of Fox Nooz watchers here, but if you’re hate-reading this on your liberal neighbor’s Facebook page, you may be surprised to learn there were news stories beyond the one about that transgender fencer. If that is indeed the case, I can only say, “Welcome to reality! Please enjoy your stay!”
I assume the “Liberation Day” branding was selected as a handout to overburdened political columnists. You can lock down that “Trump Liberates Americans from Prosperity/Their Retirement Savings” headline, and focus on chronicling all the different ways President Rapist just fucked us.
Because it is A LOT OF WAYS. It’s not just the largest tax increase in decades, it’s a 1980’s-WWF-sized steroid injection to the inflation rate, raising the price of everything from coffee to clothes to insurance. Cars will cost an average of $3,285 dollars more now, not that anyone’ll be buying them, unless Bessent can talk dealerships into accepting Trump Buxx.
75 days ago, thanks to the Biden Administration, we had a booming economy. “The envy of the world.” Seventy-five days.
Now, JPMorgan says a global recession is more likely than not this year. UPDATE: nope, now they’re straight-up forecasting a recession, that took about five hours. I’m sure the Guinness people would say there’s no way to objectively quantify “Biggest Fuckup in Human History,” but I think we can comfortably eyeball this one.
Turd Midas keeps likening his blunder to an operation, and sure, it’s kinda like you sawed some poor bastard open with a butter knife, filled his chest cavity with used cat litter, and sealed him up with a half-eaten Elmer’s glue stick. Only dumber.
That said, this may actually keep fentanyl out of the country, as drug smugglers diversify into more lucrative products, like automotive transmissions, and bananas.
Perhaps the one industry that stands to benefit from this madness is penguin memes, which saw an overnight 5000% increase in demand, following news that a certain idiot manchild president declared trade war on the otherwise uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands. My granddaddy worked in the penguin meme mines, actually. Tough life.
You have to admit, leaving Russia completely off the tariff list is a fantastic detail. 10% on penguins, Pootie gets a pass. He must drink a full gallon of hooker piss on that tape.
God, the stock market dropped another 500 points while I was writing that hooker piss joke. But this was necessary, you guys. Because Europe wouldn’t accept our beef. Our big, beautiful beef. Our hot, juicy, succulent beef. I bet being Howard Lutnick’s therapist is a trip, by the way.
Speaking of the ineffectual spin of sycophantic dolts, Peter Navarro insisted the tariffs are in fact tax CUTS. Yeah, go hog wild with that shit, kids. Set those expectations sky high. Promise tax cuts, and reshored manufacturing, and $5,000 DOGE checks, and see what happens when you turn around and pass the revenue you pluck from our weekly grocery store trips straight on to your billionaire donors.
Oh, forgive me, I don’t mean to use such archaic terminology. Before Off-Brand Orbán’s speech this week, the word “groceries” (from the Latin “groce,” meaning “bag of” and “eries,” meaning “multiple things, which, though varied, would still fit inside a bag”) had not appeared in the English language since Shakespeare’s The Most Lamentable Tragedie of Dan, the Night Manager at Piggly Wiggly, which I’m told is slated for a run at the Kennedy Center this fall, featuring Dean Cain in the role of Dan.
Anyway, the Offal in the Oval wanted to stick around for the dignified transfer of the four U.S. soldiers who died in Lithuania last week, but he had to rush right off to his day job, as mascot for that Saudi golf tour. He did ask his boss if he could have the time off, but MBS threatened to dismember him with a bonesaw.
He’s mostly hiding from the press now, though he did pop out just long enough to pimp that tacky-ass “gold card,” because he imagines there are people willing to shell out $5 million for a gilded reproduction of a rapist’s mug shot, plus the “opportunity” to immigrate to the country he’s destroying.
Now, most idiots, however blithering, would taint-punt the global economy into the sun and call it a day, content with the havoc their dumbfuckery had wrought, but our Donnie is no ordinary dotard. Let’s see what other punch bowls he managed to take a dump in this week, shall we?
He pardoned a bunch of white collar criminals, including a fraudster who donated $1.8 million to his re-election campaign, and, in a move that made corruption history, an entire corporation. I gotta work me up some scams, y’all, because you can get away with absolutely anything right now, so long as you give the big guy his cut.
Heads’re finally rolling in the intelligence community. No, not anybody involved in the leaking of classified attack (NOT WAR, LIBTARD) plans on hackable apps, and certainly not any National Security Advisors I could name, who’ve been conducting sensitive government business via Signal and Gmail, that would make far too much sense.
Nah, I’m talking about a cabal of deep state denizens too dastardly to pass the prestigious Laura Loomer Loyalty Test™️.
That’s right, Laura Loomer, arguably the dimmest bulb in the entire white nationalist firmament, spreader of 9/11 conspiracy theories, interrupter of plays, handcuffer of herself to Twitter HQ, can walk into the Oval Office with a list of government employees she wants fired, and the President of the United States will fire them. And then waddle out to obliterate trillions of dollars' worth of American prosperity. And then go golfing. Sigh.
Anyway, the crack team behind Signalgate (all still comfortably ensconced in their powerful posts, naturally) has lobbed almost a billion dollars’ worth of ordinance at the Houthis, who have, if anything, gotten better at shooting down our drones.
We’re told the Turd Reich has been studying the cost of acquiring Greenland. “Studying.” Like maybe they can get an extra 25% off on Black Friday. Get somebody to throw in a toaster oven at least. That’s th’Art of the Deal, y’know.
I think RFK Jr’s legacy will ultimately be measured in batshit, utterly preventable hospitalizations of children. Let me quote this directly:
“Texas hospitals are treating children with vitamin A poisoning after Robert F Kennedy Jr, the US health secretary, promoted the supplement as a treatment for measles.”
I had no idea vitamin A poisoning was even a thing that was possible; but then, I suppose it wasn’t so very long ago when I couldn’t imagine millions of people self-prescribing livestock dewormer.
I wouldn’t presume to tell a doctor how to do their job, but maybe don’t give the kid back to the parents that exposed them to a disease we fucking eradicated years ago and then POISONED THEM ON TOP OF THAT?
In addition to advocating for child abuse, Secretary Brainworm hopped aboard the administration’s mass firing train, because he’ll be damned if he loses the office pool to Linda McMahon. He’s firing 10,000 people in all. Experts of all stripes. Veterinarians working on the very much still active bird flu outbreak, for example.
He forced out the FDA’s top vaccine official, because it’s way harder to poison kids when there’s this killjoy hanging around, saying, “instead of poisoning these kids, let’s not poison them.”
He is, of course, frantically un-firing a bunch of the people he fired, because self-destructive impulsiveness is a conservative value now, I guess.
Headed into Tuesday’s special elections, I admit I was worried I wouldn’t be able to tell the winners from the losers without Chris Cillizza’s help, but the red ballcap remains as reliable an indicator as ever.
To me, the big takeaway is don’t send a white supremacist creep to do a retail politician’s job, no matter how much money he spends. The candidate Musk backed actually did significantly worse than the Republican in the other statewide race, a testament to his superhuman anti-charisma. And with Western civilization on the line, no less.
Suddenly, Littlefinger says he needs some space, and the GOP wants to see other billionaires, leaving Elon curled up in the corner of a burning Tesla dealership, trying to figure out some way to cheat at Dr. Mario, mournfully thinking about all the ketamine that $25 million coulda bought.
So, Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna introduced a bipartisan resolution that would allow new parents to vote by proxy for up to 12 weeks, apparently forgetting she joined a political party that’s far more likely to exile her to a menstruation hut once a month, but whatever, she went out and got the signatures necessary for a discharge petition, mostly from Democrats. Good for her. (On this one, specific thing, because Luna is otherwise quite insane.)
You can probably guess how Speaker Moses felt about this uppity broad’s resolution, so I doubt you were surprised at his sad, flaccid stab at a power play, attempting to derail it. And given his track record, you can probably guess how Speaker Moses’ little power play went. I’ll give you a hint: you don’t shut down the floor and go home for the week when you win.
Indiana Senator Jim Banks demonstrated admirable restraint when approached by one of the great unwashed, declining to have the dirty pleb shot on sight, or even thrown into the stocks, opting instead to merely delight in the filthy taker’s state of unemployment, because he “probably deserved” to lose his “woke job.” Jim’s kind of a prick.
No phrase triggers a Republican harder than “due process” these days, and if you don’t believe me, say it in front of Victoria Spartz. (Just make sure you’re wearing a helmet.)
Stephen Miller can’t believe each individual human being merits “their own individual judicial trial.” There should be a punch card system at the very least. Deport ten gang members, you get a makeup artist with a “mom” tattoo for free.
JD Vance is similarly indignant, at having to “ask permission” before disappearing, again, a HUMAN BEING (with a soul and everything) to a nightmarish prison in a foreign country. Brown skin + “traffic violations” = lifelong imprisonment in a gulag, just like the Eleventeenth Amendment says.
Insurrectionist bedding merchant Mike Lindell wants to run for Governor of Minnesota, presumably on a platform of demanding the lizard people cease beaming messages into the fillings in his teeth. HOW IS THERE STILL ANY PILLOW MONEY LEFT? HOW?!?!?!?!?
A Republican-controlled panel of the North Carolina Court of Appeals decided not to let a silly ol’ thing like the will of the electorate interfere with the installation of the losing (Republican) candidate on the state Supreme Court, no doubt hoping folks’d be too distracted by the end of a century of peace and prosperity to notice the theft of their fundamental rights.
Are they correct? Up to you.
Nancy Mace’s bid to jail an activist over a handshake failed, when prosecutors dropped the case, and she’s not taking it well. “I want a police state NOW, Daddy!” she shouted, stamping her feet. Mace’s chief of staff later clarified that yes, she meant this in addition to her previous demand, for an Oompa Loompa.
In conclusion, everything is super, super dumb, and equally awful. On the bright side, my “electing Donald Trump would be unwise” take continues to hold up spectacularly. I may be just another drunken loudmouth on the internet, but I got that one right, by gum.
So I’m gonna drink to that vindication, here on the sinking ship that is the United States. Donations to my beer fund (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal) have eluded the tariffs for the time being, so that’s something. As always, follow @john_luzar, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and for the love of Pete, stay safe out there!
OH! Next week’s blog will be ONE DAY LATE, as I am attending a professional wrestling show. See you Saturday, Resisters…
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That one’s a real beauty.
