RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters.

“People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine—healthier, even,” said Kennedy, who noted that the cuts would not only save taxpayers thousands of dollars in maintenance and water bills each year, but be better for the environment as well.

“They never should have been installed in the first place. Numerous studies have shown that licking your hands clean can actually improve your immune system. Soap dispensers will remain, but only so you can drink from them.”

At press time, sources reported that Kennedy had eliminated toilets and was urging staffers to dispose of their waste by simply throwing it out the window.

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-orders-removal-of-sinks-from-hhs-bathrooms/

[Blue Owl]

1. Robert. Fucking. Kennedy....

Even in jest, he’s a fucking joke…..

[brush]

29. This moron is going to kill people. Soon he'll be calling for herd immunity...

Last edited Tue Apr 8, 2025, 07:24 PM - Edit history (1)

for measles and every other health threat that comes along.

He's also calling for water districts to stop adding fluoride to water systems. Rotten teeth for the younger generations coming up.

[dchill]

35. Pretty sure he already has.

Measles as a political gotcha joke. This'll kill you.

[Biophilic]

2. I hate it when I have to stop to think whether something is from the Onion or real.

[WinstonSmith4740]

13. I hate it when I'm in the 3rd paragraph...

before I realize it's The Onion.

[Biophilic]

26. Yes, lol

[ShazzieB]

15. I know, right?

I was extremely relieved when I saw that this was from The Onion.

At one time, I wouldn't even have had to wonder, but in these messed up times, hardly anything seems completely impossible.

[Srkdqltr]

3. I was surprised that was the Onion. It sounds so like him.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

4. Wow, I had to get two and a half paras through to realize it was acidic satire. . . . . nt

[Aristus]

5. Satire: Still dead.

n/t

[Walleye]

6. Worm head, bat shit crazy

got to the part about licking your hands clean.

[efhmc]

19. That is what finally gave me a "heads up".

[LetMyPeopleVote]

7. I love the Onion

[Bev54]

8. lol, the problem is people will actually believe this

He so frigging crazy.

[iemanja]

9. What a lunatic.

Unreal.

ETA: Given the absurdity of this administration, I didn't realize this was the Onion at first.

[louis-t]

10. You had me going for a second.

"RFK Jr. Bans Hand Washing from Government Offices. Says Prehistoric People Didn't Wash Their Hands and They Survived."

[Collimator]

33. Caught this goofy Tweet which filtered through the social media platforms:

Paraphrasing--

The news today is like,


" America banning wheelchair ramps because they weren't in the Bible.

Meanwhile, Finland makes ice cream free."

[markodochartaigh]

11. Gardez l'eau!

All sarcasm aside, probably one of the most useful phrases with the current administration.

[Paladin]

12. The Onion strikes again!

God bless and keep The Onion---for many years to come. Lord knows, we're going to need it....

[CountMyVote4Reality]

14. Believable.

In other words, RFKJ’s image does not inspire safety or sanity.

[Karasu]

16. Before clicking on the topic title, I actually assumed this WASN'T The Onion.

Last edited Wed Apr 9, 2025, 12:39 AM - Edit history (1)

Kinda says it all.

[Initech]

17. It's getting ridiculously hard to tell satire from reality these days!

[Permanut]

18. Probably part of the Wakefield study - I must have missed that part.

[twodogsbarking]

20. He can outdo this. Wait for it.

[SidneyR]

21. OMG

Don't give him any ideas!

[Emrys]

22. Paging Pete Hogsbreath:

Fox News’ @PeteHegseth admits, unprompted, that he hasn’t washed his hands in 10 years.

“Germs are not a real thing,” Pete says. “I can’t see them, therefore they’re not real.” pic.twitter.com/9hsAb9YA9j

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 10, 2019

Yes, you heard that correctly. On the Fox and Friends segment attached to the Tweet, Hegseth claimed, "I don’t think I’ve washed my hands for 10 years.” Not 10 minutes, not 10 hours, not even 10 days. Ten years.

He reemphasized this by saying, “Really, I don’t really wash my hands ever,” which is even longer than 10 years.

Not exactly the type of thing that you want to hear at a party, or at a meal, or at work, or pretty much any situation on the Planet Earth.

Why on Earth would you not wash your hands ever? Hegseth explained, “I inoculate myself. Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them. Therefore they’re not real.”

https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2019/02/11/why-fox-news-pete-hegseth-hasnt-washed-his-hands-in-10-years/

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

28. kHegsbreth is that guy you don't want to be following in the buffet line.

[Chellee]

23. Someone more technologically talented than I

needs to add that picture of Musk carrying a sink around. There has never been a thread that needed it more.

[AdamThePhantump]

34. Here's the sink image!

[Chellee]

38. Thanks!

[AdamThePhantump]

39. Heh

You’re welcome! A quick google image search turned that up!

[erronis]

24. What's wrong with a hole in the ground for your dumps/pee?

My sister is known to tell me frequently that people in other lands squat and do their business.

This is probably because she and I (as a young lad) shared a toilet. She painted on the seat "Don't Pee On Me!"

[NNadir]

25. You know what? At first I didn't know it was the onion.

That piece of shit is that batshit crazy.

[underpants]

27. Okay. You got me.

[ffr]

30. Holy shit, you got me on that one.

The level of crazy is hard to recognize. What is truth and what is fiction.

FUCK!

[niyad]

31. I had to check the link.

[Pepsidog]

32. Not in the mood to waste time reading satire. Satire today is real news tomorrow, regrettably. .

[spudspud]

36. You know things are bad when you're pleading "Let this be the Onion" as you scan for the source link. /nt

[ananda]

37. That was satire?

I thought it was real.