'I felt like I was his carer': why straight women in relationships lose interest in sex

[Celerity]

In unequal households – the majority of heterosexual homes – domestic and emotional pressures on women can have a direct effect on libido

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/01/i-felt-like-i-was-his-carer-why-straight-women-in-relationships-lose-interest-in-sex



Zoe and her husband, Charles, can’t keep their hands off each other. They were like this in the early stages of their relationship, too – “there was something wrong with us” – Zoe jokes about their prolific lovemaking. But this new, “giddy” phase is different. “It feels like we’ve just started again. But with all this history, and this amazing child, and all this other stuff that binds us together,” she says.

Less than a year before I spoke with her, those bindings were coming loose. Zoe had a young child and she was working a difficult, high-stress job. To top it off, Charles was not helping. He chafed against the constraints of early fatherhood and parenting brought up difficult feelings about his own childhood that he struggled to understand.

“He started projecting all his insecurities on to our marriage,” Zoe says. He’d complain about how they hardly went out, hardly had sex. “All these things that are just a phase of your life when you have a small child … I was just getting so frustrated, because I felt like I was his carer and the carer of a baby.

In the end, she told him she could not cope any more and that there was no space for her emotional wellbeing. She was just worried about him, or catering to his needs, or catering to the baby’s needs. She said: “It would just be easier to have me and the baby, to be honest.”

snip

[Lulu KC]

1. This was an interesting article

I have heard this a zillion times from friends and family after children arrive. I've noticed that many men seem to react differently to their wives once kids enter the scene, and my theory has always been that she turned into "The Mother" and whatever little nagging things existed between the husband and his mother were suddenly magnified 10,000 times. The boyfriend has left the building, and I'm sure from the husband's point of view, the girlfriend has left the building. Rough adjustment period. I wonder if it's always been this way for families with working moms or if it is a more recent trend.

[snot]

2. I've seen this happen even without a child in the household.

A lot of men, perhaps especially among older generations, seem incapable of taking responsibility for anything other than a dayjob – even when there isn't one – and fail to appreciate the amount of work left to the wife to do. The wife ends up feeling like a mom even if she isn't one. Even apart from the exhaustion, it's not a sexually-exciting situation for her.

[Lulu KC]

3. Now that you mention it, I've seen it, too

It can show up in retirement, especially if husband has health problems.

[slightlv]

4. Okay, I'm gonna admit something here...

I'm basically asexual at this point. Hubby's got a lot of medical problems, and so do it. But we've been like this for a long time. I still could never see my life without him in it, tho. He depends on me, and I depend on him... for comfort, for trust, as the best friend I could have. And I think THAT'S the secret, whether or not there's sex involved... you HAVE to be each other's best friend and always have the other's back. Do I wish things were different? At times, yes... I would love to no longer have to deal with the pain of lupus and fibromyalgia. I would give anything if my back were flexible once again. I wish hubby hadn't gone through three heart attacks. But that's just life as you get older. We've been married for nearly 40 years now. And he's still my best friend (tho he IS infuriating at times! lol)