Is It Common for Ex-In-Laws to Attend Family Funerals?

[BlueKota]

When my Uncle-Godfather died, two of my cousins ex-wives(he's been married 3 times) attended the funeral mass.

Now I just saw on FB, the lady whose kids I used to baby sit, attended the funeral of her ex-husband's brother. Is this common?

[unc70]

1. Yes, very common

And often, very appropriate.

[jimfields33]

6. I agree.

Many have kids who just lost a parent or relative, very appropriate to attend.

[Srkdqltr]

2. Why not? Unless its invitation only?

[BlueKota]

5. In the case of the lady who I used to babysit her kids,

the divorce was very contentious, because her husband cheated on her, with a younger woman. So I just thought it might be a bit awkward.

[sinkingfeeling]

3. Yes, why wouldn't an ex attend if they knew and liked the person?

[BlueKota]

7. That's a good point

and I guess it was to be there for their children who lost their grandfather and/or Uncle.

I was kind of touched when my cousin's first wife reached for my hand as I passed her on the way out of church, and said "I know how much your Uncle Howard meant to you, and how much he loved you and your sister. I am so sorry for your loss." She also said she was praying for my Mom because she had heard from her daughter that Mom's leukemia was no longer in remission. My Mom died two weeks later.

[UpInArms]

4. Relationships are complicated

I loved my ex-brother in law ….

He was always my friend

[BlueKota]

8. That is good you remained friends.

I guess it just seems strange to me, because my Dad's ex wife, never kept in contact with my Dad's mother or sisters. Then again she told my Dad he didn't make enough money to support her in the lifestyle she wanted, and ran off with a guy who had a larger bank account. Leaving their 13 year old son behind in the process.

My Dad didn't remarry for many years. My Mom tried to encourage my half brother to visit our Dad, and be close to my sister and I, but there was always an awkwardness there. Some progress was made, but there was a huge age difference between us, and my Mom was only ten years older than him so I can understand it was hard for him, not to feel some residual resentment. He did eventually come to forgive his Mom.

He died last year.

[UpInArms]

13. He was always my "brother"

He taught me so many things about the world. He married my oldest sister when I was four. He died in 2019 and I wept …. The world became a smaller place.

[BlueKota]

14. I am sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a

wonderful person.

[Fla Dem]

9. Absolutely. They probably have had a good relationship with your Uncle and wanted to say good-bye.

[marble falls]

10. These days with all the split families? You bet and why not?

[BlueKota]

15. That's a good point about there being more

split families. I guess with my cousin he and his exes stayed fairly tolerant of each other because of their kids. I am more shocked by the couple who I baby sat for. She was pretty livid at him, and they only talked when absolutely necessary. But the brother wasn't the one who cheated on her, and it was her kid's Uncle.

[wnylib]

11. Depends on the situation. It's good when people can

maintain friendships and supportive relationships after a divorce. But that's not always the case.

I've mentioned before here on DU that I had an abusive marriage to a man who threatened to kill me and tried a few times. On the steps of the courthouse after the divorce hearing he told me that no matter how long it took, he would someday kill me because if he couldn't have me, nobody could.

I remarried and moved out of state. My parents were the only relatives who knew where I was and how to reach me because the more people who knew, the greater the risk that my ex might track me down.

About 5 years later, when my father's sister died, I was not able to get back to my home town for her funeral. I learned later that my ex had shown up during visiting hours at the funeral home. He was never close to my aunt or her husband and had never even met her grown children. He told people that he was there to give emotional support to me for when I showed up.

My father ordered him to leave or be escorted out by police. And never show up again at any family event or he'd take care of him without calling police.

A few years after that, my sister died. I was in the 3rd car of the procession from the funeral to the cemetery, behind my parents and behind my brother and his wife. All the cars in the procession had little funeral flags and our headlights on. A police car led the procession and a motorcycle cop rode alongside the cars to ensure that surrounding traffic waited for us to pass.

Just as my car came to an intersection, another car darted out from a side street in front of us and angled as if to cut us off from the procession or, perhaps, to line up in the procession ahead of us.

The motorcycle cop quickly cut off the intruding car and escorted it to the side street.

Yes, it was my ex, again trying to use a family funeral to get access to me.

Later that same year, he died, in his 40s. I did not go to his funeral. I did not send condolences to his family. It would not have been socially appropriate for me to express to them that I was so relieved to hear of his death.

[BlueKota]

16. I am sorry you had to go through all that.

Thank goodness you are safe!

[wnylib]

17. Thanks. It was long ago. Other people's situations

after a divorce might not be as dramatic, but I think that there are other situations when the appearance of an ex at a funeral could be a problem. It really does depend on what the relationships are for all concerned. An ex might still be friends with a brother or sister of the deceased former spouse, but be a source of discomfort and stress for children of the deceased. All feelings need to be considered.

[TommieMommy]

12. I would think yes because of the relationship they had in the past