Spurious News: Juan Soto causes massive depression in Realtor community

[jmowreader]

NEW YORK (Spurious News Network) -- The hottest topic in baseball's "hot stove" community since the end of the 2024 World Series has been the ultimate destination of Juan Soto, the New York Yankees' superstar outfielder, as he entered free agency. This evening, he inked a $765 million, 15-year deal with the crosstown New York Mets.

While this is seen as a positive move for the Mets - who made it to the 2024 National League Championship Series before being felled by the headless axes of the Los Angeles Dodgers' murderers' row - it has caused grief and heartache among the sellers of high-end real estate in the six cities Mr. Soto didn't sign with.

"I don't understand!" said Maryellen Johnson, a Realtor based in Boston. "I have a beautiful home listed in Salem that was built by a sea captain in 1635. It lists for a mere $29 million and would be perfect for a deserving baseball legend like Juan Soto. Why couldn't he have come here and bought it from me? Do you know how hard it will be on my children if I can't take them to school in the Rolls-Royce Cullinan I was going to buy with the commission from this sale?"

"This is disappointing, to say the least," said Francine Martin, a Realtor based in Toronto. "I have a fantastic listing that's only $11 million on the corner of Bremner Boulevard and Navy Wharf Court. This would have been great for him because it's right next door to Rogers Centre - the home field of the Blue Jays. How many millionaires can walk to work every day? He wouldn't even have to cross the street!"

Cynthia Franklin, a Realtor in Washington, DC, was equally enraged. "I've got this great house on my books in Georgetown that had been owned by eight United States senators and a former president. It's only $19 million. If I can't sell it to Juan Soto my income for this year is only going to be $27 million. Maybe I can sell this house to someone from the incoming Trump Administration."

Missy Harrison, a Realtor in Seattle, was contemplative. "We really could have used him on the Mariners, and I really could have used the half-million in commission from this beautiful home in Queen Anne that I was going to sell him."

Mr. Soto has decided to keep his 600-square-foot apartment in New York City's Upper West Side, which he paid $2 million in cash for when he first arrived in New York City. "It's pretty nice. There's a good restaurant on the ground floor, it's right next to a subway station and for New York, it's pretty reasonably priced. I'm happy with it. Why would I want to move?"

[elleng]

1. 'There's a good restaurant on the ground floor,

it's right next to a subway station and for New York, it's pretty reasonably priced. I'm happy with it. Why would I want to move?"'