I did a thing today!

[Aussie105]

And I don't know if I should be proud of myself, or feel sad, so I'm cycling between the two.

Back story:

Second marriage for both me, 75, and the wife, 80. Married in 1988.

The scourge of advancing age is upon us, well, one of us anyway.

Wife's mother ended up in cloud cuckoo land and spent the last 10 years or so of her life in sheltered care.
(Alcohol use was blamed for the brain rot.)

Wife's first husband is now wheelchair bound, in sheltered care, also off with the pixies.

But it gets worse - wife's oldest son, now has dementia and is in sheltered care, 2,000 km away.

And worse - wife has slowly developed all the signs of dementia too.

I'm guessing there is a big genetic component at work there, but there is nothing in my side, so I'm in the clear. Just strung out looking after an 80 year old lady who is unpredictable and can throw temper tantrums like a 5 year old.

Anyway, the 'thing' I did today:
Collected a lot of childhood photos and more recent ones of the past life the son had, scanned and printed copies, put them into a photo album with captions, and sent it off today.

The aim is to try to refresh some of his memories, if that is possible.
He likes photos, his son - who lives locally to his dad - tells me.

So yeah, I did a thing, hopefully for the good.

The whole dementia thing though, surprisingly common in Australia, and very much a taboo subject from the vibes I'm getting from some family members who should care, but act like they don't.

[jmbar2]

1. This is a really good project!

The older memories last longer than the more recent ones, so the photos can help retain contact with loved ones whose memories are fading.

It is also helpful when they are in nursing care for the staff and caretakers to know about the person's life, and to be able to pull out the memory book and talk about old times with them. Be sure to include pet photos.

One other thing I'd suggest: Make a mixtape of their favorite songs from the prime of their lives. When my dad was thought to be long gone, I played him a recording of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong from one of his favorite albums. He immediately beamed and said "It's Ella and Louie". We had a few moments of good conversation around that.

Cheers to you for the comfort you are providing!

[Aussie105]

2. Thank you!

I guess the stories of declining relatives and how to help them would be plentiful, if people were prepared to open up about them.

Unfortunately I never got to know this man well, his mother and I got together long after he joined the army at 17 and afterwards decided to settle 2,000 Km away in Queensland.
Met him 2 or 3 times in the past 36 years.

Wife has two other sons, who tend to stay away because her nagging/gabbling gets their tempers fired up real quick.
But I'm sure that they are thinking about their older brother, and have some concerns about themselves going down the same road.

[NJCher]

3. Another idea

Aromatherapy. The connection has long been established, plus it’s fun. Also inexpensive. Two hours a day, which can be done while sleeping.

[jmbar2]

6. Please reconsider...

About 30% of the population has chemical sensitivities triggered by chemicals used in scented products. I am one--triggers asthma and migraines. I was literally driven out of my last apartment because a neighbor used it a lot. It drifts into adjoining units like secondhand smoke. Even if your relative likes it, a neighbor may become ill from it.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211335518300457

A person without their full faculties would not be able to tell you that it was making them ill. It could make them miserable.

Just a thought...

[NJCher]

10. You would be amazed

At how “local” the scent is when using a diffuser. It doesn’t spread very far—not even 10 feet.

But thank you for reminding me to say essential oils, not the chemically produced ones. I guess I assume that because I’d never buy them (ewwww), others wouldn’t, either. Not the case.

Very sorry you had that experience. If you had posted about it, I could have helped you handle it. I had the same situation with a lawyer next door in my townhouse, back when I lived there. Decades later, I still hear from her children, thanking me for saving their mother from lung cancer.

[jmbar2]

12. It was a diffuser - that was the problem

She had it on some kind of timer, so the air never really cleared.

It doesn't really matter if it says organic or not. They are volatile organic compounds (VOCs), molecules that disperse rapidly and widely in the air. Like secondhand smoke.

Apparently it is big in Mormon communities - lots of MLM schemes. The people involved are true believers and cannot accept that it makes some people really sick. I argued til I was blue in the face, brought in scientific articles, etc. That whole industry is right up there with tobacco companies for misleading pseudoscience and denialism.

There is a good documentary on the fragrance industry that is pretty eye-opening, called "Stink". It's a bit sensationalist, but consistent with some of the research I've done on the industry, especially funding of sketchy "research" promoting essential oils with health claims. FDA has slapped them for that.

The cost to me in terms of losing my low income housing has been incalculable. It wrecked my retirement. I am in dire financial straits because of it.

[NJCher]

14. Sounds terrible

I can see why you would have an issue with the scent industry after this.

I was especially concerned about my cat, but none of the scents have been an issue with him. I did not use orange because this is something known to be offensive to cats.

About half a dozen friends have been asked if they could detect the scent, even if it was running in another room. None could. One of the friends is employed in an industry where detecting scent is part of his job. He couldn’t detect it, either.

You must have been up against an extraordinary scent diffuser or you are unusually sensitive in that area. I do sympathize because I am that way with sound. I have to go to extraordinary means, including buying expensive equipment and even leaving my house for hours at a time. And yes, I am deeply resentful of it.

[jmbar2]

16. I share your noise sensitivities as well

I am so lucky that where I currently live is very well insulated for sound. However, I struggle to keep up with the rent.

It is characteristic of folks who are scent-sensitive to be unusually sensitive to odors. I can smell neighbor's dryer vents when they use perfumed sheets from inside my unit, and sometimes even smell perfumes in cars driving by! It is truly a curse.

[NJCher]

17. I can hear my

Neighbors up the mountain talking about me. Same.

[jmbar2]

19. That would be very unnerving!

[mopinko]

11. music, too.

when i was a hospice volunteer, we’d ask what kind of music ppl liked, and we’d play it on our phones. it opens doors.
if they were/are music lovers, a greatest hits compilation wd b a good gift.

[KarenS]

4. You did a good thing today!!

[snowybirdie]

5. The compassion

You exhibit towards your wife and stepson is amazing.
Cuckoo land indeed!

[Tetrachloride]

7. Dementia is taboo-ish near me

tho not frozen out

[Joinfortmill]

8. Oh dear, very sad and difficult for you.

They are in their own world, but you must deal with reality. Take care of yourself, and take advantage of any assistance available. Sending good vibes your way.

[HeartsCanHope]

9. It's amazing how much Dementia patients remember from the past.

I helped one of my neighbors watch her father a couple of times so she could go to the doctor. He was really restless till we got out photo albums, and then he not only calmed down, but shared stories with us about his family and friends! He didn't remember his daughters' names when they visited, but when looking at the photo albums he could recall the names of the soldiers he served with, knew his family members--(including his daughters as children,) talked about family trips--it was amazing! Your very kind deed for your wife's son will bring him hours of enjoyment. Thank you.

[Blue Full Moon]

13. Sorry I know what is like

Besides the aroma therapy. Watching sugar and cutting out beef helps. Another thing is download a sound generator like Sonic 40 Hz and light bulb also 40 Hz.

[MLAA]

15. Very kind of you to think of your stepson in such a tangible way.

Being a care giver can be exhausting. My dear husband has lost most of his short term memory, but fortunately there has been no change to his personality. That would certainly make caregiving so much harder. Sending you hugs!

[niyad]

18. That is so very kind and thoughtful of you. Do not discount the positive

effect it might have.

[Aussie105]

20. Thanks for all the positivity in the feedback.

It's greatly appreciated.

It's made me feel a lot better about the whole situation.