So it's Christmas again...

[canuckledragger]

And it's just not a good time for for the last decade or so.

From loved, but abused relatives that died around this time under questionable circumstances, to pretentious, hypocritical friends, family and associates that think it's all about the stuff you've got, or buying people's affections with gifts. (with strings attached, like my alcoholic parents do)

This isn't a good time of year for me, and I tend to isolate more than usual to keep my sanity...with the problem being that isolation tends to come with its own brand of insanity if kept up too long.

I cut myself off from most relatives long ago, seeing most of them, on either side are either alcoholics/addicts of some kind, or their enablers, projecting their own bad behaviour and attitudes on myself and others. I'm the one that wouldn't put up with the behaviour directed at me so I became the bad one, the scapegoat. And learned the hard way that the way to win their game is not to play it, and cut contact...because I'll never be free of the role they've assigned me.

I just can't be around that kind of thing anymore, as it literally enrages me, doubly so if it's in a working environment.

This is the first time I've created an original post about this kind of thing on this forum, with the others just being responses to others. But I'm feeling a little more... screwy lately, thanks to lot of health and work issues recently, argument with a close childhood friend that's gotten a LOT more conservative lately, along with the judgemental, factless-based attitudes that come with it.

That's what's happening lately, and just trying to find other ways to deal with it all, as the depression is feeling a little strong.

[cilla4progress]

1. Hi, canuckle!

Do you have any friendly souls to hang with over the holiday!

We are all friends here, ok?

[canuckledragger]

5. I have one or two I can talk to right now

But one of the close ones is the one I mentioned in the post that I had the argument with. And the subtle judgemental attitude is getting to be too much to take, especially since he's seen everything that's happened between me and my family, including all the struggles afterwards as I tried to make it on my own, and sympathized with me because of it all. It's how we became good friends.

It makes it hurt all the more that I can't talk straight so easy with him as of late, because of his recent right-wing indoctrination. If our talk even remotely touches on anything political, he starts to go off on a rant blaming the Canadian Liberal party for everything he feels is wrong.

The argument today revolved around a recent call for our union to vote on a contract negotiation, and I brought up how our pay raises are limited to asking for 1% max, because of a law introduced by our current asshole Ontario Premiere, Doug Ford. That was all it took for him to go off on an unrelated rant blaming liberals for everything. Then he got personal, and I hung up.

[LoisB]

2. Hang in there.

[canuckledragger]

9. Thanks. It's why I'm reaching out here, now.

Been debating hitting a few al-anon meetings (12 steps for friends and family of alcoholics), with the problem being most are in the evening, when I'm working.

DU us one of the resources I can use anytime.

[alittlelark]

3. You are not alone. Those of us that eshew toxic families can feel lonely.

We are 'supposed to feel joy with our family'!!!!!

But when your family systems are SICK there is no socially acceptable way to drop them.

We create new holidays - "I Escaped and Survived" should have gold glitter and a pretty poinsetta.

It IS hard - but it sounds like you are on the RIGHT PATH !!

[canuckledragger]

6. Yes, and the hard part is finding friends that understand the damage done

By toxic families, and how it's a lifelong thing the victims go through.

They can't be relied on, trusted or talked to about anything personal, as it becomes just another weapon to be used against you.

Some of the only ones that truly understand what it's like are the ones that went through it too, and they aren't always the healthiest people to be around.

I have a one or two friends that came from that background, acted out on it and caused themselves quite a bit of trouble...but not around me, because of our similar experiences. One of them had a twin brother ( that I was close to as well) that had a few bad moments, went off his meds, acted out and committed suicide. This was just a few months after another close, mutual friend of ours comitted suicide when he let his financial problems get the best of him.

I've been running out of close friends to talk to.

[alittlelark]

17. The damage done by toxic families lasts a lifetime,

0-7 years is CRITICAL, Damage done during that time is VERY difficult to heal.

Family Systems Theory goes deep into the damage done.

[SheltieLover]

4. Nice thing about DU - someone is always on to chat with

Good for you, excising the crazy makers from your personal sphere of influence!

In so doing, you have made it impossible for them to hang their scapegoat projections on you. 👍

Hang in there, my friend!

Here is an idea: yale is offering their very popular Science of Wellbeing course free.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being?utm_source=gg&utm_medium=sem&utm_campaign=09-ScienceofWellBeing-US&utm_content=09-ScienceofWellBeing-US&campaignid=9728548210&adgroupid=99699672436&device=m&keyword=science%20of%20well-being%20laurie%20santos&matchtype=b&network=g&devicemodel=&adpostion=&creativeid=428321686708&hide_mobile_promo&gclid=Cj0KCQiAweaNBhDEARIsAJ5hwbdUmuTuExX2b4fGvHG-ITpmGspVgb0Wuw-tBOs1dtopnbowaIyTkt8aAi--EALw_wcB

The first week's videos are qvailable immediately upon completing a very brief registration & others who have tried this course said it was very helpful. Please let us know whqt you think of it if you opt to try it!

[canuckledragger]

7. Cutting of the crazy makers helps a lot.

But doesn't always cut off off the crazy thoughts that came with them.

I'll check out the site in my free time.

[SheltieLover]

8. I know exactly what you mean

Have you tried therapy to help you resolve issues? Most are offering video sessions now because of covid.

It canhelp a lot just to talk through things.

[canuckledragger]

10. I've done so in past.

Mostly just to figure out how to start talking about it all in a constructive way, and get some validation that, yes, it fucking WAS abuse, and I have a right to feel a little pissed about it all.

[SheltieLover]

12. Have you ever read JamesW Pennebaker's therapeutic journaling research?

He is (or was) dept chair at a TX university.

His research involved self reports & objective medical tests before & after doing the journal therapy.

It has been some 10 years at least since I've read it, but from what I remember, the journaling sessions were brief - 15 to 20 min - & included the traumatic physical event AND how you felt about it. The last part differentiates his work from others.

In the conclusion, immune system function & student grades were up significantly even aftef 6 months & depression & anxiety were significantly reduced.

There is a lot of info online about his work & how to do the therapy, if this isof interest to you.

It is another method to access another level of the trauma & to purge it. 👍

[canuckledragger]

13. Part of the problem with that is...

I'm 46 now, and it's hard to remember a lot of specific events. I remember being terrified as a child a few times because I had no idea how far my step-father would go in an alcohol fuelled rage, and given my mother's inaction, knew there was nobody to help me.

The physical abuse stopped at 14 when I was big enough to give it back to him. I remember being terrified of retribution after that event...but came to realize that he was a coward that only hit those that couldn't fight back easily...and I now I could. All behaviour after that was petty, childish mind games that all based around control and satisfying his ego. He had to be the 'boss' you see, making all the important decisions no matter how bad he continuously screwed things up. He had to have a scapegoat.

It's also one of the big reasons I've cut contact with that lot, because the game never stops, and the role I've been assigned there (the bad one) is forever. Not something I'm willing to put up with now, anywhere.

[Grey5]

11. from one Canuck to another...

Do what is best for you.
You should have been here when they asked me what I was doing special for Xmas this year. After being the the Christmas Cook for the last fifty years, this year I said "left over pizza and beer." They are still in shock, every few days one will say " So what are we doing for Xmas?" I keep replying "Pizza and beer". You know that even after all this time not one dinner was just right. I didn't expect complements but a thank you would have been nice. Nit picky knot heads. I just got fed up.

I will be having a nice quiet turkey dinner but I will make and enjoy it on Dec. 21st. The winter solstice is more important to me than listening to all the gripes and backstabbing.
They can just go on whining and moaning, this year it's my turn.

[canuckledragger]

15. My family cared more about what you bought for them around this time.

Ignoring the fact that money is scarce when you're doing it all on your own, without the bank and hotel of mom and dad...which the siblings used any time their own irresponsibility caught up with them.

There's no respect in that kind of situation, just abuse and exploitation. And I can't be around that anymore, and will NOT make excuses for it to enable further shitty behaviour against myself and others.

And then there's the rage, because nobody pisses you off like family.

[Ziggysmom]

14. I share your feelings. A long time friend I used to work with, recently ghosted me. I texted her

several times, sent cards, emails....... Crickets. She became a maga moron. I cannot believe it. I'm an only child and very comfortable being alone. But what bothers me is people who shun you because you don't worship the orange turd like they do. 20 years of friendship means nothing? Maybe I'm being more sensitive because of the season. I dunno. What I do know is we are better off alone than being with toxic people.

Maybe we can celebrate Festivus and air our grievances ?

[canuckledragger]

16. I know the feeling. I'm delaing with it now.

My so called best friend has been listening to all the wrong people, and because he's been helped out all of his life by loving parents, he doesn't quite get the trauma caused by bad ones, and all the financial, emotional, physical problems that stem from it. During another argument, he bragged about how much better off he is than I am...which REALLY fucking pissed me off, with him seeing everything unfold between me and my family since we were 15. we're both 46 now.

Kind of hard to get ahead when you've been sabotaged from the very beginning.

Also, I think people that come form abuse are all the more sensitive and vocal about it, because we know what is feels like from persoanl experience, and don't want to see happen to others. It's why I'm a liberal.