Second Update
First of all, let me extend a massive thanks to everyone who has offered to help. The DU community is proving more and more to be a solid one. That is a very, very, very (you get the picture) rare thing these days. One thing I always stressed to the kids at the school where I used to work was that anyone can put anything on the internet. It can look very professional and very authentic. But, it is still suspect and should be taken that way. To see that, despite the modern times we live in, there is still a bit of old fashioned humanity rolling around this nation, even if it is a very tiny bit that seems to be dissolving altogether. And it only seems to exist within the older community, which is horrifying but not entirely unexpected.
The situation with the vehicle has changed. The starter that was replaced was deemed to be defective and the repair place is going to do the repair for free, since they already did this 48 hours ago. Now, I still have my... well... suspicions about this situation but we will see how it goes. Yesterday I had to hold my husband in my arms while he cried from the stress of all this crap happening. I mean, it is not bad enough that his former employer totally screwed him over during the pandemic. It is not bad enough that, in order to survive, he has had to go back to working with that same company in a position that he once was overseeing. It is not enough that he is stuck with a complete waste of flesh who will only become more of a waste as time passes. He then told me that everything is okay when he is with me. I almost screamed in terror.
The beast is still rolling around inside of me. It still wants to know why I am still here. I have no answer for it. I do know that the world would be better off without someone like me using up resources that could be used to aid someone in a far better position to contribute to our society. As the old meme says, "Mistakes: Maybe the only reason for your life is to serve as a warning for others". I have found that one to be very spot-on as pertains to my life. And, I am tired of being an example of how not to survive in modern America. Far better to get out of the way. All I wanted was to be able to make a decent living doing what I loved to do. I paid the dues, and did the time to try and get there, but was thwarted at every turn. Sometimes it was my own fault. Most of the time, it was someone else's. I have tried to redefine myself multiple times. All for naught. I see no reason to keep doing this.
As to 'getting help'... I cannot stress enough that this is far from my first rodeo with this crap. It is a simple thing. In this country, if you want to get real help for your mental state, you have to have lots of money. Period. Those other places are just making sure you get back out there and be a wage slave to our overlords. They will try their damnedest to convince you that all you needed is a few pills to make you all better and then you can run right back into the workforce so the CEO can buy another yacht. That is NOT mental help. But, that is what you will get if you seek help from anywhere other than the top doctors and hospitals. The aim of mental health in this country is to maintain the workforce, not to actually help people. Because, some people are not going to be functionable in the current socioeconomic setup. Based on personal experiences, it seems as if that makes us 'irredeemable' and therefore to be ignored. Of course, when one decides to check out, the authority responds with force. Because they cannot be seen as 'allowing' their workers to control their destinies to that degree. Such behavior leads to loss of potential workers and doesn't show strength and power to the rest of the world.
Let me ask you all a question. Do you remember back when a person could live their life without having to join the wage slave force? Before we were all brainwashed to believe that we HAD to strive to live like the wealthy do because they are the greatest thing since sliced bread and know way more than us plebes? ? Hell, I remember when the town looked at the richest person there with a mixture of pity and exasperation, because it was obvious to us that having all that money created a level of social delusion. Now, we all embrace that delusion. I knew plenty of people who lived with barely a dollar to their name. And, they were better off for it. Oh, they made money with crops and crafts, but that was just to maintain things and pay the property taxes each year. That was it. They grew or made everything else. Why did that die out? Was it a good thing that it did? According to the wealthy, it sure is. As Honore` de Balzac said, "Behind every great fortune there is a crime." We all know what it takes to achieve that level of wealth. Yet, we seem to want to worship them for it. The majority of Congresspersons are millionaires or better. Yet, we want to talk about 'equality'? It is all a game. I cannot get behind that. I could care less about any of that. Which makes me anti-American to some folks. I find that hysterical. But, it also means that I do not belong here. This life is a waste and this society is not what I was looking forward to. When a job is done, one leaves. When one has no job to do, one leaves. Why this is such a 'horrible' thing is just confusing to me. It is time to leave. The vehicle situation is just the latest thing that not only shows me that I can do nothing about it, it shows me that I cannot even manage to handle it. My brain is ruined, my life is forfeit. I can do nothing but beg for help because I cannot help myself. And, that help should be used to get one back to being stable and productive. I cannot be helped back to that scenario. I cannot do anything anymore. Why bother continuing to exist?
I apologise for the new post, but I did not want to create a long meandering thread. If this breaks any rules, I am sorry. (A phrase that defines my life I am afraid.)
= new reply since forum marked as read
I'm glad you made the sensible choice!
If I were you, I'd list your partner first in your gratitude journal! You are very fortunate to have a partner who truly cares about you! Many people have never had that type if support.
... I'm really good at "explaining" my depression, or when things get really wild, my hallucinations and paranoia.
When I'm heading to my worst place my ability to judge my own mental state is the first thing that flies out the window.
But severe depression is just severe depression, no explaining necessary. For me depression is random shit that falls out of the sky, good times or bad. It's brain stuff no different than lung stuff like asthma, or heart stuff like arrhythmias, or high blood pressure, and all the other random medical stuff I've experienced.
At times I've found psych meds helpful, but I've also had meds fade. Sometimes I've quit psych meds cold turkey, against medical advice (a couple of times with terrifying consequences) because I didn't like the side effects.
Meds can be a merry-go-round but that's often better than the alternatives.
I've got some stories I don't tell here on DU, including my most recent lockup in the psych ward (I hear dead people and some of them are not nice...)
Somewhere along the line I just learned to roll with it and forgive myself for the times I've been much worse than a useless person.
One good thing is that jobs are everywhere right now. Knuckle down, grit your teeth and set a goal to get back to NC...I think that's what you said you wanted to do.
Good news on the vehicle. Your husband has a job...hang in there, make the money and come on home.
You can do it. We're all here for you. 