Had a shitty New Year's Eve. Called my family and was put down by my mother who stated I was NOT to

[debm55]

send Christmas Cards or give gifts as it was Jesus' birthday and not mine. I made the decision to send them 200.00. I had no idea that something good I wanted to do would cause a mess. She called me every name in the book--that I went aganist her wishes. I felt I was caught in a Catch 22.--if I didn't send it they would complain and if I did they would complain.There was no winning. On Christmas, she told me they are not doing birthdays. So I asked, as I am not in on the decisions and if I am told afterward. Her response was to gasliight and say it was up to me. If I wanted to ruin someone's special day by only sending a card, go ahead. Fast forword, she always sent Cards with money to her family on birthdays and other special days.If I only wanted to sent a card-that wasn;t a gift, money was.I couldn't sleep last night. Also said I did not call for Christmas-my phone shows 2 calls, no pick ups , so I left a message both times. Mother said the cats(there are 30 of them} knocked the phone off of the table and erased the message. Can it do that. Lies, lies and more lies. Call ended with me saying I never got a special meal for my birthday as she continues to say she did. She does for my sibllings. I was out of the house at 18, Phone slams down with her crying and screaming she was the best mother. OK. Whatever. I truly wanted to go in the kitchen and get some wine to down my pills. But had sparkling grape juice instead. Phone is put on loudest setting so everyone can hear. I feel hopeless today. I see no end in sight. I have gone no contact with them except for birthdays and special occasions-a call is it. Thanks for letting me rant. I put in the Lounge, but I needed to get advice here. Thank you.

[nightwing1240]

1. The best advice I got from a doctor I have seen for years

Was that we cannot control what others say and do. What we can control is how we react to it. That has helped me a lot over the years when dealing with an issue like that or others similar.

[debm55]

5. Thank you. nightwing. I have been trying. It is so very hard for me as I expected parents to love

there chhildren. In a sick way she never grew up and has always thought of me as her opponent. There are no pictures of my son, husband or me in the house. All of my artwork was thrown away or given away when I got married. She constantly brings up the fact that my dad called me his Valentine and likes me better than the other two. Not my fault-talk to my dad about it.

[True Blue American]

32. I feel for you.

I never understood my Mother until my Great Aunt that I was close to saw us together, said,” She is jealous of you!”

You seem to be dealing with the same situation. You can not win with those kind of people.

Question, how is your relationship with your father. Mine was great! He cared.

[debm55]

50. One time as my brother was sitting on my chest, betting the shit out of me, he told my mother to

close the windows, so neighbors won't here me screaming. Both my parents are about appearances. He liked the fact that I went to Penn State(though he didn't give me a dime) He hit my mother in front of us. She slap him. Also doesn't believe in using the word LOVE,
Typical father of the 60's no visable signs of love, but did provide us with food and shelter.Though my mother throws up to his face that he likes me better than the other two. He is dying and she treats him terribly.

[Evolve Dammit]

47. Your mother has some serious emotional issues. I am sorry you continue to try. I would turn the page

but that's me. After your well-intended efforts, the responses have been beyond negative and are just hurtful. I understand your wanting to try, but if it's causing you more pain every time, you need to take care of you. Don't know if that helps one iota, but I needed to separate from family who became antagonistic.

[debm55]

51. She has gone beyond the goal of punching my baby teeth out. giving me black eyes, etc. It's more

verbal and aimed not just at me but with my husband and son, Actually it is more painful now. And the lies are hurtful, sexual remarks. etc. Her rage will explode at a drop of the hat.

[Evolve Dammit]

57. You need to walk away and tell her you will not continue the abuse. Seek some help to assist you.

There are agencies devoted to crisis intervention, which sounds like should have been done years ago?

[Evolve Dammit]

58. Or just walk away and stay away. That works too. Enough damage and trauma. Best wishes

[RainCaster]

2. Is this a religious thing for her?

Is she in the Jehovas Witness cult? They are the only ones I'm aware of that are so against birthdays and Christmas celebrations.

[debm55]

6. RainCaster, she is Catholic. This Jesus birthday started a couple of years ago. I was not involved

in the decision. She did send a family check. After I sent mine, but said it was only because I sent the original check, going against
their new way of celebrating Christmas.

[jimfields33]

18. My goodness. My entire family is Catholic and give gifts on Christmas and birthdays.

Christmas is a definite. Birthdays can be a gift, gift certificates or money or really anything. No expectations but nice to give and receive. I never heard of a Catholic not wanting to give gifts.

[debm55]

22. Well, when you spend 3,000 a month on computer games and gambling, I guess it can be a problem. One

year we bought them gift certificates and she said they wanted cash. --didn't know how to use. So we took them for ourselves and gave them the money

[jimfields33]

61. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

[Rebl2]

36. I had a friend

that was catholic and that family went all out for birthdays and Christmas! There were eight children and last one born in 1959.

[Marcus IM]

3. Sorry you are going through this.

As Al Franken's movie Stuart Saves His Family says ... The three stages of addiction are Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Sometimes the only way to get a "win" is to not play at all.

I wish you the best and that you find solace in something more emotionally rewarding.

[debm55]

8. Thank you, Marcus.

[DENVERPOPS]

41. Exactly Marcus

Not just sometimes. The only way to win is learning not to play at all. Period.
My life changed for the better immensely when I completely disowned the people who called themselves my parents.
I didn't speak to them, or have any contact for the last 20-30 years they were alive............

[judesedit]

4. Not too Jesus-like to call you every name in the book.

Your mom can only hurt you if you let her. Don't make her problems your problems. Do what you think is right or want to do. If Mom gets mad, she's just looking for a fight. Tell her it's not about love, that you love her, but can't talk to her cause her negativity is affecting your health and hang up. You are not her property.

Take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and demand respect. Imho...maybe not so humble lol

[debm55]

10. Judesedit, I wish I could, but I can't for whatever reason, I'm afraid of her, but I want her to say

she loves me. She never has and never will. Thank you for your opinion.

[judesedit]

55. I'm sorry you're stuck on that merry-go-round. I truly meant no disrespect for you

I was caught in that similar trap myself. One day I just realized my mom didn't have any nurturing as she grew up and there's no instruction book that comes with child rearing. She was doing the best she could. I told her that I was sorry for the things I did to hurt her and I would let go of any old resentments I had toward her, too. I felt so much better after that. Don't take what your mom says personally and you can let it go in one ear and out the other. Don't count on her saying she loves you. It's hard for some people. Just know she loves you. You are part of her.

I sure hope I didn't hurt your feelings. Love yourself the way you are and have a happy, healthy, blessed 2023.

[MadameButterfly]

60. Don't blame yourself

for not being about to stand up to her as suggested below (no offense to those suggestions, fine if they work for you). Your mom has created an abusive situation in which normal healthy adults cannot reasonably interact. You don't have to fix it.

Congratulate yourself for having survived your mom and having created a life with love in it. Get professional help to mourn what you didn't have, what you should have had. Learning acceptance of that and gratitude for what is working in your life is the road to healing.

Wishing you love and healing for the New Year and many to come.

[Eyeball_Kid]

7. IMO, anyone who owns 30 cats has a much bigger problem than what you stated.

Your hope or expectation that your mom will feel willing to sustain a good relationship with you is not founded in sound reasoning. Your mom's principle and unbending attention is to her cats, and not you. Her cats are her fire wall. And you are on the other side. This won't change. And it's not your responsibility to make it change. Your mom has your phone number. She wants to be in charge of her relationship with you, and you can't do a thing about it. If she wants to change anything about it, she can call you. Doing anything else will only increase your frustration and sadness. Let it go.

[debm55]

12. Eyeball, thank you. She also has my brother and sister and father their with her. My brother is

psycotic and does not take meds.The house smells like cat piss. When I started posting here, I let my heart our and explained the events(some). It was my mother's mom who sexually abused me. I did everything for them-car rides, store trips, etc. Then I would get the if you don't take me here, I'm going to job out of the car. when I stopped the drives, she became more nasty=not phsycially as she did when I was a child. But on my husband then my child. When she called my son a bastard that his own mother didn't want. I called back and told her she broke my heart. I cut off contact. She has yet to say she was wrong.

[True Blue American]

38. You need to keep your distance

For your own good. That is her control over you. Take care of your own Son and husband. They will always be there for you.. I hurt for you, but you really need to back away. I doubt your family wants to visit with 30 cats. She really is sick.

Someone needs to call the Humane Society. This is not healthy.

[Evolve Dammit]

49. Agree

[orangecrush]

39. This

[Quakerfriend]

9. So sorry Debm55

Perhaps, you should suggest she return your very generous gift if it has made her so miserable.

But, I’m not sure there can be any ‘winning’ with her.
It sounds as though she really needs some help.

You are clearly a very good person.
I hope you can find a way to keep good and lasting relationships with your siblings despite her abuses.

[debm55]

13. Not really, brother was violent to me--called me a pimple faced whore and broke my fingers. Beat me

up constantly, while parents watched. Sister tried to strangle me, went to hospital, still tutored her so shecould graduate from HS. It was like walking on eggshells in my house. Dad took a hunting rifle down from the rake and threatened to "blow our brains out" -mom said at least he didn't.

[debm55]

23. I did. I told her to rip up the check. She asked for her's back.

[localroger]

11. I did not speak to my parents at all for 17 years b/c of shit like this

Sometimes the only way you can deal with a situation you can't control is to walk away. Eventually my parents decided they wanted to be in contact with me badly enough that they managed to be civil about it, because I'd demonstrated that walking away was an option. After that gap we were able to have the occasional visit. Mom died about 10 years ago and since then Dad and I have met every week or two to see a movie in the town midway between the places we live.

The key for me was to understand that the arguments we had were never about the things they seemed to be about, they were about control. As long as I gave them control they used it to push the illusion that I couldn't possibly live without them and needed them. You're right to use the word gaslighting for this behavior on your Mom's part. The only way to win this kind of situation is to show that you DO. NOT. CARE. Nothing else will work. Once they get that message, they may or may not see their way clear to dealing with you in a more productive fashion. And whether they do or not, que sera sera.

[debm55]

14. But local, I really don't think that she does care. It was a lie about the cats and the cell phone.

Does she think that I am that damn stupid? As I said to another poster,my story is posted down a little way. It has gone on forever. So should I drop contact for birthdays and special ocassions too? Yes, my husband said the worse thing I could have told her was she broke my heart.

[localroger]

16. Oh, I'm sure she cares. The question is, what is it she cares about?

I would conjecture that the real purpose of all this is control. Control of you, control of the situation. It's not that she thinks you are stupid, it's that she thinks you are not cooperating and need to be put in your place. And if you confronted her with that she would probably deny it until the Sun goes nova. In my family the dynamic was that Mom was the control freak and Dad was just ferociously devoted to her and willing to do whatever she wanted without question. Now that Mom is gone other family members have begun to sheepishly admit what a bossy and intolerable woman my mother was, and to this day my Dad can't see it. The problem I think you have is that it's escalating. The whole gifts/no gifts out of nowhere thing is an attempt to establish control by making it impossible for anyone to actually understand what is required of them, and providing an excuse for dominance and chastisement no matter what you do. This is not to say that my solution is the only one available to you, but you need to at least understand it might be, and understand the problem well enough to find something that does release you from their grip.

[True Blue American]

40. Good for you!

[Karadeniz]

15. She sounds like my mother. Look, her Mind is not balanced and there is nothing you can do about

That. I cut my mother from my life until she was so senile, she turned sweet. Then I'd visit and bring flowers. Develop other friendships.

[Tesha]

17. You really do deserve a life free of abuse

You’re worth the kindness, you deserve it, and if she is unwilling to understand that, then you need space.

30 cats, saying so-and-so loves someone more, crying on the phone sound to me that she may have need of therapy. If you feel a relationship is worth it, discuss your worries with several other family members you feel can trust.

If it’s making you ill and you don’t have others to discuss this with, it may be time to just not call, just not contact. You have to take care of yourself, and you deserve peace.

[patricia92243]

19. What you want to happen is never going to happen - a normal mother/daughter relationship.

Whatever you need to do to come to grips with this needs to be done. When you finally accept this - which will be one of the most difficult things you have done in your life, you will find peace, calm, and happiness.

Best of luck on a difficult but ultimately rewarding journey.

[gopiscrap]

20. I cut off my family for years for a lot less

my republican cousin needed marrow and I was a match, I said hell no

[Maraya1969]

21. Here is a site to the best mental self help group I ever followed

It is cognitive and really helps with dealing with other people and with symptoms which are "Distressing but not dangerous"




https://www.recoveryinternational.org/

[niyad]

24. Please, for your own health, sanity, and well-being, RUN. Do not walk. Do not

Last edited Sun Jan 1, 2023, 05:12 PM - Edit history (1)

pass go. As things stand now, nothing you could ever do would improve things. There is no law that says you have to take abuse of any kind from anybody, including, and especially, your family.

The whole myth of families is exactly that, a myth. Many people have wondetful familues, true. But many do not, and their hearts and spirits get trampled and broken again and again as they try for that myth.

Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[Wednesdays]

53. This.

nt

[fierywoman]

25. When i was 68 I stopped speaking to my mother because every time I did,

she verbally stabbed me. I don't regret it. I know it's "cold", I know "she was my mother" (she has since died), but I needed to protect myself.

[obamanut2012]

26. Go to a trauma therapist and have them help you

Go low contact or no contact. Best thing my wife ever did for her mental and emotional health.

[IbogaProject]

27. There is a good reddit about parents like that

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

You might need to go low or now contact unless your still ok w dad and/or your siblings.

[BWdem4life]

28. My brother has not spoken to my mother in at least 15 years

and she really did nothing to deserve it IMO. Your mother has, again IMO. It's his decision, and it's yours as well. People do not have to comtinue speaking to their parents if they don't want to, and it doesn't make them bad people.

[Permanut]

29. Cult thinking..

And I don't mean that as an insult to your Mother. We are seeing a LOT of this lately, including in my family. You are not the one who is causing damage to this family.

I say cult thinking because, well, a lot of examples, like our celebration of Christmas on December 25 appears nowhere in the Bible.

Family connections have been strained or broken, and it simply defies logic to imply any kind of both-sides-erism.

[PatrickforB]

30. She sounds like a schizophrenogenic mother - one that gives the child mixed

messages all the time.

Best bet: make new friends, find a new support group, put these people aside. Just because they are your family does not mean you need to associate with them. It will always hurt a bit, but think of the hurt when you interact with them. When will you cut your losses?

[debm55]

56. My brother is schizophrenic, but doesn't take meds. She has told me that I will co own the house

when my parents pass. I will split the selling price of the house three ways and be responsible for school and property taxes in addition to my own home. I guess I have to shop and cook for them also as she has kept them in an infantile state for so long. They can not do anything. That has me worried to as I say They are on their own but in my heart , I couldn't do it as they have been made totally helpless. My sister works as a nurses aide.

[Sky Jewels]

31. I'm so sorry. I'll just echo what others have said...

back away. Don't play her (literally) sick game. Disengage. Don't expect anything positive from her. Keep telling yourself that YOU'RE not the problem. You are worthy of love. Your mother is very damaged.

I know it's easier said than done.

[perdita9]

33. You have my sympathy

My mother was also like this. Demanding one thing then throwing a fit when I complied; insisting she just wanted everyone "to get along" and then setting all the kids against each other.

Sorry you are going through this. Eventually I pulled away from anything family related. Not a great solution but, at some point, I had to protect my own emotional health.

[1WorldHope]

34. The advice given so far seems pretty right on to me.

Sounds like you got out physically. But, you left something there. You want your mother to be well and love you like "other people's mother's love them?!" I think that is an illusion. There is no perfect mother child relationship. But, there is Love. There is no lack of people needing love in the world. If she can't give you that love, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy giving it to someone else who wants and needs it. Nursing homes and group homes are full of lonely people whose company you could really enjoy. Everyone deserves love, we just can't control where it comes from. The cage door is open.. turn the page... Or just your run of the mill, Fuck Her! You are free!

[demigoddess]

35. Sounds like my mother. Sounds like she has a mental illness. Get as far away from

her as you can and realize it is not your fault. It has worked for me.

[MLAA]

37. Dear Deb, I am sending you hugs. Only you can choose what to do, but

I’m in the camp that says step away from all of them. Spend your love on your kids, spouse and friends. The money you save from gifts they don’t want/appreciate/use to torment you on a counselor experienced in this very situation of dysfunctional/mentally ill / horrid parents.



You have friends here on DU.

[infullview]

42. I feel your pain debm55

You are not the only one that had issues with mom. I would relay my story of what I went through, but I figured you're depressed enough, and you don't need to hear what I went through. Just know you're not alone. Chin up, go forward, and know that you have people here at DU.

[SunSeeker]

43. Congrats for leaving that toxic home at 18. It kept you from turning into a psycho like her.

You can't choose your parents, but you can choose your friends. Get the Meetup app and start going to events near you that interest you and find like-minded people. Or join groups that do stuff you like. Make your own CHOSEN family. I did. Best thing I ever did.

[NNadir]

44. It is very, very, very, very hard to walk away from a familial relationship, but sometimes...

...you need to do it.

I have a brother with whom I will never speak again; I went through too many cycles of forgiveness and anger even to count them.

Somewhere, deep inside, it hurts; I wish it could have been different. But it couldn't be different; ultimately there was no way to fix it.

I am at peace with the decision now, with people I love and who love me back.

You must have a very difficult upbringing, but you can get past it, if you do the thing you think you cannot do, make a break, you can come to peace.

When peace comes, you will understand you did the right thing.

Best wishes to you for a happier New Year.

[halfulglas]

45. My heart goes out to you because you have taken more than you should have to.

And you don't have to play their game. They, especially your mother, keep changing the rules. For your own sanity I think you have to go no contact and keep no contact. It's okay to love them, they are your family, but you don't have to LIKE them. There is definitely something wrong with your mother and she in turn seems to have infected the rest of her household. You long ago discharged any familial responsibility to them. Like in War Games, the only way you can win the game is to not play. Continued contact with your family is having serious effect on your well being. I know you want your mother's love, but she is damaged and incapable of giving a real mother's love so you have to care for your own nuclear family and the good friends you let in.

You are lucky in that your mother's inability to give love has not permanently damaged you, as I can tell you are a good and caring person,but you have to take care of yourself for your own family's sake. Despite all this Christmas schmaltzy stuff with getting together with your family, some families are best left out of your life.

[BonnieJW]

46. I had parents like that

Fortunately, they lived on the other side of the country. I went to see them once each year, flying in Thursday afternoon and leaving at 6 am Sunday morning. It was 2 days too long.

[dlk]

48. The holidays can be rough

Not everyone has a loving supportive family. As an adult, setting appropriate boundaries with family members can be challenging and trigger memories of past hurts. All you can do is decide what you want to do regarding holidays/gifts and step away if family members behave poorly. You have no control over anyone else’s behavior; they make their own decisions. Good luck. It’s not easy when family members are unkind.

[homegirl]

52. Devise a new

way of celebrating holidays. For Christmas what you would normally spend on gifts donate to a charity, send a note to your mother that a gift has been made in her name to XYZ charitable cause.

On your birthday send her flowers with a note-"Dearest, most loving Mother, thank you for giving birth to me and for being such a loving supporting Mom." She may or may not get the sarcasm!

Do Not Waste Your Time With Phone Calls!

[RainCaster]

54. After reading all of this...

While not quite as abusive, I had a very similar relationship with my mother. Dad was a wimp who cowered under her abuse, but was also abusive in his own ways. I never could trust them with anything- not truth, love or friendship.

As the oldest, I was thrown out of the house on my 18th birthday and left for safer pastures. In my case, that was hitchhiking around the country. I felt much safer in the care of strangers than I had at home. Three years later, I married into the best family I could have ever imagined. I then began to understand the unconditional love of parents, and was able to eventually pass that on to my own children.

Our kids grew up knowing love from us and one set of grandparents. Mom made it clear to my wife upon seeing her first grandchild "I never babysit, and I don't change diapers". Well, she never had to worry about that, as the kids were afraid of her and our visits were as short as possible. They usually saw their grand-kids for about 10 minutes per year. We were all quite happy with that. They chose to spend lots of time with my wife's family and I enjoyed being in that family too. I felt safe there.

When growing up, I thought that my home was normal, but once I started dating my now wife and saw how her family interacted with each other that my upbringing was not right. Depression runs strong in my family, both my parent as well as both sisters and my brother all have it. Of course, Mom saw that as a weakness or a spiritual malady, one that you could never take any drugs for. So she continued to be a controlling, manipulative terror to everyone around her. I knew that I would never get to have a normal talk with her this side of heaven, and so we saw less and less of each other through the years.

Finally, senility set in with her as well as Dad. Once placed in a nursing home they started taking anti-depressants so that they wouldn't be such assholes to the staff. The staff lied to them and said it was vitamins. It was as if she had forgotten how to be a bitch. For the first time in my whole life she was able top say a few nice things to me. Although I never heard her ever say that she loved me, or that I had done anything well. Oh well, guess that's asking too much. After 5+ decades, I was still not willing to let down my shields, which is sad, but essential for my own survival. She & Dad have been gone now for 8 years or so, and I do not miss them, although I do thank God for that little glimpse into a healthy but Alzheimer's riddled mind.

So that's my story. My advice to you is to keep your distance, keep your shields up around her and all of your family. Keep your ears open for any chance to reconnect with siblings, it is sad that they are taking the side of the abuser, but it is to be expected. Yeah, it's a survival technique that I've learned exists, even though I never practiced it. I remain close to all my friends in the community we live in. My best source of support is from a local recovery group. They have become my closest friends, next to my wife.

You will be in my prayers.

[vercetti2021]

59. Lord

If I were you. I'd cut her off completely. Someone like that having that many cats? First that's a huge problem because of animal welfare and laws against having that many animals housed in a residency. She sounds like the stereotypical cat lady who doesn't like having anyone outside of her cats only.

My best advice is to cut her off all together. You win and she loses in the end. Just like all miserable people do.

[debm55]

62. Thank you for all of your suggestions. I feel ashamed of spreading all of our dirty laundry. You are

all right, I will never get better if I continue to be a mouse and take it. Husband is mad at me because I ruined New Years Day. I did-slept most of the day. Proud of myself for not drinking the wine with the pills. I am not mean spirited like her--it's all about her all the time. She always has an excuse. I don't expect an apology as "she shit me out, not the other way around" to be thrown in my face. It is hard for me to cut them off during holidays and special occasions. The rest of the time, I do. My heart was in the right place, but it was shoved back into my face. Silly me, I will be 68 next month and I am still afraid of her but want her love. You guys are right, she does not have the ability to give love to anyone-except her mother, who has been dead for over 40years. Her birthday is this week. I will send a card-no money. My husband will not to her taxes this year. And I will not pick up the phone with her call number. Thank you. Through you posts I have been able to see that I do not have to honor your parents regardless . I have always been a kind, talent, smart. loving, and generous person. Too bad in my family that is not appreciated. I want to thank all of you for being here for me. You have helped me see the light. You are all kind and loving people. Thank you so much. I feel like crying, because my family will not for various reasons know the love of anyone, even a child's love, but will clinge to their misconceptions of what a family is. Thank you again. Love, Debbie.