The hardest thing about the holidays is having to act like you are 'OK'. It's exhausting
Yesterday was my niece's birthday. We all went out for brunch. I put a smile on my face, everyone was greeted by seeing my black eye (long story). Fortunately the restaurant wasn't playing Christmas music.
I found myself shutting down, a lot, during the meal but everyone was talking so nobody really noticed. I couldn't finish my meal because when I'm stressed I have trouble swallowing food.
When I got home I had a cup of tea and a donut and then fell asleep, totally worn out.
Tomorrow my cousin arrives. It will be the first time I've seen him since 2019. Now, he's had his struggles with emotional issues, in the past, so maybe he will be helpful and understanding. Everyone is coming to my house for Christmas Eve dinner so it's back on with that happy face. Hopefully I will be able to eat with a 'mishap'. I'm already stressed about that.
Sadly, I'm already looking forward to the end of the holidays so I can spend an entire day, maybe two, just cuddling with the kidcats and decompressing.
My family knows about my holiday issues but think that once we get started, I relax and enjoy the gatherings. I don't want to ruin their day so that's what I let them think. What really happens is I am overwhelmed and haunted by memories of all of the family members who are gone. Then I feel guilty.
Just a few more days...... I can do this.
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Love my family…one on one…all together along with the stress of everything getting ready, doing presents, sleeping in a strange bed and yes “looking joyful” so you don’t ruin it for others.
Introverts are not well understood people. I already warned my very understanding wife I’ll be out of touch for about a week after we get back. Exhausting.
Rolling lots of joints today! 
It will all pass.
from a fellow introvert.
Today is the 35th anniversary of the bombing at Lockerbie on the airplane. That was the same day my mom had her final operation and found out her cancer was terminal. She lived about another month so it all comes back in a rush. I will go to my brothers on Christmas and his wife’s brother will be there and that’ll be it it’s good enough and not too stressful. And not too far away. I just can’t handle it anymore. I admire your courage and strength.
Had a hard time swallowing when you're stressed. I have that, too. It's awful. Ruined many a restaurant meal.
Hope you're feeling better