It shouldn't be like this. Really. I shouldn't take it personal but I did and I still do

[Model35mech]

My partner has an appointment for her hair at 2:15 2 hours and 15 minutes from when I came in the door.

I stopped my day at 11:15 this morning to be sure I got back in time.
As I came home, I thought I'd do her a favor... I stopped and got KFC for supper.

So, I pull off the street and into the garage. I do this pretty much every day. This is NORMAL! in my life

I walk to the back door. Three steps in she's yelling at me for putting the car in the garage. (But you know...She doesn't need to leave for her hair appointment until 5-10 minutes before 2) and SHE is the driver who has rubbed the right side of the car on the bricks of the side of the house 7 times in 6 yrs! The repetitive slow learner really ISN'T ME.

This sort of ambush upon coming home happens almost everyday. It's a problem with the printer, or the computer, or she can't find something in her household records, or the doors on the cabinets aren't closing, or the lawn mower wouldn't start, or other shit that suburban adults are supposed to be able to deal with, if only by credit card. And it is too too often that I don't get a chance to walk in and set what is in my hands onto the kitchen counter and take a breath before she's on me. This time, I brought her home carry out because SHE is complaining about doing COMMON THINGS THAT ADULTS DO, like make a meal.

It's come to feel like when I walk in the door I'm advancing into the striking distance of an ambush predator. And I'm just doing what SHE has trained me to do.

I KNEW she had an appointment in a bit more than 2 hours. And the answer from her IS ALWAYS(!) her getting PISSED OFF at me because I'm a sexist who doesn't think that "WOMEN" can back up a car. She insists on backing it, without looking at the video screen on the dash or the side mirroes.

Usually, if the car doesn't go immediately into the garage she's usually on top of my case. If I don't put the garage door down, she's ALWAYS on my case, BECAUSE, don't I know that the black kids from up the street in Milwaukee are going to come and attack the car and the contents of the garage? And SHE thinks she's sensitive to race issues!

We've spent over $3000 on repairs to the body and paint in the past 3 years. So much money that last time I refused to contribute to the fix. I told her there is really NO POINT in repairing what she will only damage again in 6-9 months. She went to the Insureance last time, and they raised the annual charge, by $1000 I get that she CAN'T reliably back up the car.

BUT I also am very tired of being yelled at for leaving the car on the driveway and not closing the garage door.

Being borderline, I'm really on the verge of another episode of taking the scissors to my forearms

[Ocelot II]

1. I strongly suggest breaking up with this person.

Why stay with someone who is making you miserable?

[Model35mech]

3. Ain't likely to happen. If I was 30, maybe. But at 71 NOT.

the costs are far to great.

[tazkcmo]

23. Money versus your health.

Which do you value more? Choose wisely.
.

[Model35mech]

25. At 71, survival cannot be separated from a person's assets.

That's a reality that I can't ignore in trying to find a way through.

Today it all hit me harder than usual. Usually, I can cuss under my breath, or even out loud and find relief.

Today is at the end of a progression of days in which I see things in my life, in my community/state, and nation as getting harder and harder to go forward with, absent the consideration of the person who I chose to be help many years ago.

[tazkcmo]

26. You do you, as they say.

I just hope you find a way to peace and tranquility without hurting yourself physically. I apologize for being a bit harsh, not my intention.

[Model35mech]

28. It's ok. I appreciate your desire to help

My life, her life, has like many other people's lives been visited by ups and downs

Today has been one of the downs and it caught me by surprise much more than usual. I really thought I was doing well, thinking about her, and having gone out of my way for her. Then with little notice it wasn't anymore.

And, distressingly as I ruminated on it, it is something of a string of downers I realize I've not gotten beyond. Maybe venting will have helped. I am not sure.

[SlimJimmy]

31. Venting always helps. Even if you only do it in your head.

As the old saying goes, keeping it inside does way more harm than good. I'm close to you, knocking on 70's door, and have been married forever. We have this relationship that fluctuates, sometimes its 50/50, sometimes 60/40, and other times 70/30. What do I mean? Life is rarely 50/50, there is a give and take that must be adhered to, or all hell will break loose. It sounds like you are giving her 70/30 all the time, and that's not going to work forever.

Bottom line, vent (internally is best) and move on. Good luck.

[tazkcmo]

32. Thanks for your grace.

Vent away! We need to be here for each other!

[FirstLight]

2. I'm really sorry 😞

Regardless of the specifics of why she's freaking out, it's still abuse towards you.

I don't know your situation but it sounds like your spouse needs some therapy themselves.

Glad you came here to vent before taking the scissors out. Hugs, plz feel free to vent...

[Deep State Witch]

4. This Is Abuse

I'm sorry to say this, but this kind of behavior is abusive. I don't know the answers, because I don't know your situation. But, I do know emotional abuse when I hear it. Can you leave this person safely? Can you contact some kind of domestic abuse hotline?

[Walleye]

5. My advice is have it out with her tell her how you feel and if she doesn't stop, something is gonna change

Be sure and tell her just how you feel. Nobody should have to live like that. It makes me appreciate what the song said, “the upside of lonely”. Sometimes I don’t like living by myself all the time but mostly I know it’s better for my health

[Think. Again.]

6. Your boundaries are up to you to set.

[crimycarny]

7. Your partner sounds like a bully

(Edit: Sorry, I initially wrote "roommate". My brain saw "partner" but read it as "roommate". Since it's a long-time partner that makes the situation even more complicated.)

That's bullying behavior and, though I don't know her, it reads like she understands you are vulnerable so feels "safe" in her bullying.

I wish I knew the answer but if you are a kind and sensitive person, as you obviously are, it's so very hard to live with a toxic person. Advice like "just let it roll off your back" is easier said than done.

I believe there are people whose brains are wired to be overly empathetic and they can't just turn that off. You seem like that type of person so your partner's toxic behavior hits extra hard.

You have every right to be upset because what you are describing is abusive behavior. Please don't punish yourself, though (again) I know that is easier said than done.

[flying_wahini]

8. And you are with her why?

Maybe it’s time you told her you can’t take her BAD behavior much longer. Her finger pointing and blame game would have run me off a long time ago. She is obviously so self absorbed she can’t see what her chronic haranguing is doing to you (or care, apparently).

I would go move my car and keep on driving.

Don’t punish yourself, SAVE yourself.

[Model35mech]

10. Because I Am The AssHole, I suppose

At 71 with mixed importantly mixed finances, doing anything looks a lot like more self-harm

I've had a lot of sessions on self-harm and it always came down to I'm an adult man, do I want to hurt myself again? Very very little help on a way forward. So at 71, I spend my days away from her.

The first step of not being triggered is AVOIDANCE of triggers. I typically do that all day long and then come back to face my repetitive reality.

[XanaDUer2]

33. I avoid interaction

As much as possible. I'm supposedly getting ten yrs of his pension. Plus what's in his accounts. He is very helpful in a lot of ways. So there's that. Hopefully my small pension will kick in on 2 yrs.

Its not easy

[XanaDUer2]

9. I'm yelled at constantly

Its abuse

[Model35mech]

11. I can imagine

The downside of that, is my partner believes it's me being abusive rather than defensive.

I know from earlier efforts at therapy where the therapists tend to side.

[XanaDUer2]

13. I'm disabled stuck not having enough

To pay rent and bills. I try to avoid. Its awful. And I'm sick. My situation is horrible and i long for something to change. It will, but when

[Model35mech]

15. I wish your endurance the best

I've been at this for 27 years. Always telling myself I can do better toward her, and cope better for myself.

On days like today... well I try to find a way to the day after tomorrow.

[WhiteTara]

12. Have you tried couples therapy?

You sound like you need some tools to negotiate your relationship. If not, there are some good books that offer tips on how to set boundaries in your life. I'm sorry you are suffering.

[Model35mech]

17. Ya, it's all about skills and coping tactics

ain't it?

I find that in the moment I should've thought and reached out for a coping tactic, that was the LAST thing on my mind.

That's really not a knock on what you said, which I appreciate.

But rather it's a reflection of how it feels. Protection of your core when it's been slashed by some thoughtless probably insignificant act in the long run, is the cognitive first priority. Dealing with the problem like an adult is secondary.

I find I never get past these things without a heaping helping of guilt for not doing it "right".

And they series of priority seems to be one of the important cross-wirings of the problem.

[orange jar]

14. I'm sorry.

Venting is healthy. What your partner is doing to you is not. Mental & emotional abuse are no less abusive just because there are no physical scars (created by the abuser).

I don't know you, but I'm glad you came here first before you used the scissors. Your partner might not appreciate you, but other people do.

[Model35mech]

18. Thanks. I guess I'm looking to dump this feeling so I should apologize

for dropping it on all those helping in the thread.

[orange jar]

19. No need to apologize.

We all need to vent sometimes. There's no shame in it, nor should there be.

[Proud to be Woke]

16. I recommend couples therapy, and if she won't do it..

Then tell her that you want to live alone and you deserve peace at your age.

I had to set really restricted boundaries with my own sister last year when she got really abusive verbally and emotionally. I love her but cannot stand to spend much time around her. Sometimes it is necessary so that we can survive and thrive. There is no need to continue to put up with abuse from someone who thinks they have a ticket to do so and no apologies.

[Model35mech]

21. That'd be great if I could toss more than half of my life in a dumpster

But for me it's an unrealistic option

Ya I know, that makes me an uncooperative asshole that turns down good advice.

[LoisB]

20. It sounds to me as if she is very unhappy with herself. It is easier to lash out at you than to look in the mirror.

Toxicity in relationships is very unhealthy, mentally and physically. I wish you well; both of you.

[BamaRefugee]

22. Just curious. Is she a heavy drinker? I was married to an alcoholic wife for 15 years.

Hopefully that's not another burden on you, but the similarities to what you describe are striking.
Constant car damage.
Constant failure ON YOUR PART, while she has never done anything wrong in her life.
Much much more.
We went to *couples therapy*, the counselor had a private session with me and told me "I can tell she is lying about almost everything. I can't see this counseling helping you out at all".
So I had to file for divorce, no options, life was hell plus she was going to kill somebody with the car some day. But I was only 38 at that time. After she moved out, I went to the ATM (we had agreed to keep everything cool about money til divorce) and found out that I did not have a penny to my name. Thus began the year that I had to live on PBJ sandwiches and never have more than one light bulb on in the house, ever.
Sorry, I'm rambling, so much more to this, but the bottom line is, if she is an alcoholic, you are her victim, and she will NEVER let up on you unless she gets sober and deals with things as a sober adult.
My best buddy is in this exact same predicament right now, but lucky for him, his company paid him a huge settlement for him to train an entire department of his company with people they recruited from Mexico, so that they could move that department to Mexico, paid him his severance pay and a big bonus. It was in the 6 figures. So he just moved out of their apartment in Los Angeles, and went back to Nebraska for a while, living at his parent's house, and having a great time restoring all of his grandfather's farm tractors to showroom condition. She has been dead drunk every time he has checked in with her since. But few of us would ever get that lucky.
Otherwise, you're probably trapped right now. But if she begins to PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOU you have to get help right away, it's crucial!
Best of luck to you and, oh, by the way, I have now remained aggressively single for 34 years!

[Model35mech]

24. No. IMO, her problem is a lot of being a childlike 76 year old

There are moments when that is entertaining. But like today, those moments are hard to cling to...

Her father died before she was born, her mom moved back into a rowhouse in now historic Pullman Illinois with her grandfather and two unmarried aunts. She had a life of poverty enriched by 4 adults, but I suppose it was also somewhat in service to the world those 4 adults percieved.

This will sound harsh I suppose, but, her world, as I bump into it exists as HER perceived world. It is real in her consciousness built around her needs, interests and wants. Even if those things are unspoken. Our interactions often hang up on her expecting me to know what is in her thoughts, rather than just her comments. Of course, as much as I know her after decades, I cannot really know what she thought or "meant" to say which she may later feel is more important reality compared to what she said.

[Quakerfriend]

27. When she starts- calmly put your hand up & say,

“When you’re ready to speak to me in a respectful tone of voice I’ll be happy to talk but, not until then.”
Then walk away & go about your business.

- Sounds like a little therapy would help too to get the two of you out of this pattern.

- Best of luck!

[MLAA]

29. Is there anyway you get away from her for a few days?

Even if it’s a hotel on the other side of town. Give yourself 48 hours of peace and give her 48 hrs to see how it feels. 3 whole days and nights without her ridiculous, unkind, neurotic behavior might reset both of you.
Sorry that’s all I’ve got but I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes to you. 💖

[Model35mech]

30. I 'could' go sleep in the woods. I don't think I will.

I could also turn myself in to the VA hospital's mental health unit. I don't think I will do that either.