I had a real chest pain yesterday, not just a twinge.

[OldBaldy1701E]

I am now conflicted. I want this to end. But, I am worried about my husband. More and more, he seems to be mentally slipping. I don't know what this would do to him. I still stand by the fact that he would be better off without the albatross hanging on his neck. I do know that my life is over and has been for some time. I am just a zombie.

He deserves better than a zombie for a mate. Especially one that can barely even be a zombie.

[Walleye]

1. Take care of yourself, and don't judge yourself harshly. We are all suffering.

[OldBaldy1701E]

5. Thanks.

[femmedem]

2. The trauma of losing you would accelerate your husband's cognitive issues.

And thinking that the people who love you would be better off without you is a symptom of depression, not reality. I say this as someone who lost a partner to suicide. He, too, thought everyone would be better off without him--his parents, siblings, me--but we all barely survived the grief and horror.

Please, please see a doctor about your chest pain. And I don't pop into this forum much, so I don't know if you've seen anyone about your depression but I hope you will, even if it feels hopeless. I've known you via your posts here for years, and I know you deserve to feel so much better than you do.

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. I have tried in the past.

I am not wealthy, so I cannot seek real mental help, but I have tried five county facilities in four states... they love to toss medication but rarely do anything other than see you for fifteen minutes each month to renew your descent into getting addicted to SISDs.

As to the chest pain, going into the emergency room will destroy us, socioeconomically speaking. The debt would engulf us and we have no way to even think about reming such a thing. Besides, I had a quadruple bypass over four years ago. How much longer does one have? Especially since I can't really address things like proper diet. I have been cheating like crazy because the things I am not supposed to eat because of my heart and my diabetes are the things I can eat thanks to my G.I. issues. It's an 'I can't win for losing' scenario.

I am planning to try and make an appointment with 'my' heart team shortly. I don't know what their response will be. I know we cannot afford a hospital visit. I definitely know that.

Thanks.

[hunter]

11. For a time I got really good at ignoring medical debt.

Probably didn't help me seeking further medical care, but one of the worst decisions I've made in my life, it did not end well, was to pay medical bills with a credit card.

Couldn't pay, got bumped up to 30% interest rate, and settled a few years later, verging on bankrupt, for what I actually owed, minus the exorbitant interest, with "credit rating" fully deceased.

Haven't borrowed money since, other than friends and relatives, and they got more than 30% interest back, if you want to be crass, and they wouldn't have cared about a total loss anyways.

If I was Emperor of this nation I would nationalize the health care system and some of the current managers would go to prison for enriching themselves by practicing medicine without a licence.

[OldBaldy1701E]

16. Funny...

It was borrowing/being given (notice I did not say 'lent') money by friends and family that got me toswear to never accept money from anyone ever again. Mainly due to the times I was told that it was a gift with no strings attached only to find there were fucking cables hooked to every cent.

I am decent enough at ignoring debt (career performer here), but thanks to being married, if they can't get me they will go after him. I will not subject him to such a thing. I love him.

They will never give me a credit card, so that's not an issue.

The immediate issue is that there are no other options than 'obscenely inflated' levels of for profit healthcare. A government-run option would be nice. Then some regulations on pricing in general when it comes to procedures and drugs. It's all pipe dreams but hey...

[hunter]

17. I'm blessed with family and friends.

Even a few I've burnt once or twice, they have come back for more.

At this moment I'm on the slightly positive side of this ledger but I know this could change at any moment.

I always feel like the dumpster diving crazy homeless person I was at times in my youth. There's no fixing that. I've burned a lot of bridges and thrown a few hand grenades across the river just to make sure. Still I'm not entirely sure I've outgrown that.

[mountain grammy]

3. Trust me.. he will not be "better off" without you

Please take care of yourself.

[OldBaldy1701E]

7. I feel the jury is still out on that.

Thanks.

[mountain grammy]

10. Just please, take care of yourself.. all the best to you.

[XanaDUer2]

4. Coming from someone like me

Who's given up, PLEASE get checked out. I'm sure your husband won't be better off.

Here's to hoping for better days, friend

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. I know that this is also part of my main issue.

I gave up a long time ago... and then I got married. He was the one who saved me from ending things back then. He has no idea about this, mind you. But, I had already attempted suicide three times before we met and I was on the way to a fourth attempt when we started dating. But, he was so young and naive. I even tried to warn him before I answered his proposal.

"You are making a HUGE mistake!"

I am going to make an appointment shortly. Just this will probably set us back financially for months. I am not sure if my 'insurance' (if you can call it that) will cover such a thing.

Older people (with the exception of very rich ones) are doomed. We might as well start with 'Logan's Run' type shit now.

[XanaDUer2]

9. I'm having another terrible day

I do wish i was gone.

[hunter]

12. I'd be frustrated knowing I couldn't fix anything if I was gone.

I've known and loved too many who are simply gone.

That's not any kind of judgement call. I don't blame them.

I also know people, including myself, who've made it past their darkest hour.

And I really don't know what I'll do in any darker hours to come.

I do know my most basic state is dumpster-diving-for-food crazy homeless person, totally alienated from everyone, and I survived that.

But I'll never claim that's a good idea.

[XanaDUer2]

13. I paid 32k to fix my jaw TMJ

Every thing was going great until 2 mos ago the dentist pushed my jaw back, hard. Now i have pain headaches. I didn't have this before the treatment i paid for. And it just broke me. Dentist blew me off and acting like I'm a neurotic nut. I'm 59. Life sucks. I feel ready to go. Living has no purpose this was the last straw in a long line of last straws

[hunter]

14. If you can't pay it, don't.

I've come to regard my own life as a fucking adventure.

There is a bottle of champagne in my refrigerator I will open when Trump is dead. I used to say when he is dead or in prison, but it seems we are past the prison part.

Chronic pain sucks.

[OldBaldy1701E]

15. So did I.

But, I was a lot younger then. I also knew the area intimately. And, it was in a southern city (relatively speaking) in regards to climate, not just outside the tundra like where I am now.

So, nah... can't even consider that.