I get it...new trauma and digging into childhood psyche abuse is gonna make Holidays triggering

[FirstLight]

Went to bed like normal last night, watched a couple holiday movies that shouldn't have been an issue ...
LITERALLY tossed and turned till after 5am.

tried taking benadryl about 3...nothing.

took Tylenol at 5 cuz my body was starting to hurt

woke up at 7:30 am and now I get it. I'm dealing with ALLLLL those holidays that were just bullshit. Being the scapegoat meant there was no relief, the pressure to perform and "act right" continued well into my years as a single mom.
How nobody EVER came to MY house for the holidays cuz I lived in section 8 housing and my house wasold/dirty, therefore my food was too. Can't tell you how many times I changed clothes and freaked out on my kids because I was already preparing for the comments...like 'you dont need more bread', or 'what's up with your hair', or how my kids acted...or just ME being me was never good enough.
I remember being belittled in front of my grandparents and aunties and uncles because I couldn't behave or didnt eat well (gee, it's a wonder I could eat when my Dad was always yelling at me for something.)
When I was 11, I dropped a dish while clearing the table and my dad ripped me a new one...i spent the evening crying and writing in my diary, no pie for me.

I feel guilt because my issues also rolled downhill into me trying to make my kids live up to the image for my parents and especially my sister, who was always the perfect one, and who also liked throwing me under the bus.

I think about how my grown kids may never all sit at the same table again, because at least 2 of them might never forgive me.

And how I wanted to have a "facetime meal" with the one I *am* speaking to ...but I'm gonna let her down too because I am wrecked today.

I know this is all part of the process, but it still hurts so badly. And while I love and miss my parents NOW, my inner kid is really still pretty sore about everything.

so I'm allowing my tears. Took a hot shower and am having a warm cup of coffee before trying to actually sleep again.
I feel like I let myself down, even thou9gh it's a stupid thing to blame myself for having FEELINGS

I dont think I wanna do this for Christmas or my Bday...I gotta figure that one out somehow later when I am more sane and not crying and shaking...

[onecaliberal]

1. Hugs.

[XanaDUer2]

2. I'm sorry

[Karadeniz]

3. Get out of their line of fire!! My mother was physically abusive, erupting for no

legitimate reason. I NEVER blamed myself for her irrational and punishing behavior, never. Some family members don't deserve your tolerance or respect.

[FirstLight]

5. My parents died in 2022 and 23, my sister is no contact

Im just now digging into the huge line of family stuff that they grew up with and passed on.
Its old stuff that caused me to be In abusive relationships

I've only been therapizing this since my ex tried to kill me at the end of October.. its a lifetime of work...

I've reconciled much with my parents as they grew older I'm just now remembering things that I buried since I was young

[The Blue Flower]

4. You didn't deserve any of it then

And you don't deserve the suffering you're going through now. Parents can be assholes. I know from experience. I had to finally come to a place of forgiveness. To tell myself they did the best they could at the time, and they must have gone through worse as kids to act that way as adults. I hope you come to a time that you can lay down the burden they placed on you. Until then, be gentle with yourself.

[FirstLight]

6. Yea, so much abuse was normalized in past generations

Both my parents were products of history and they didn't understand what they needed to do, nobody really did that work in the 70/ 80s...

I carried it through marriages and am Only digging into it at 54. Like digging into the grand canyon with a beach shovel!

Hope to try and break the cycle for my kids who are 22,23 and 30 now...

[FirstLight]

7. got another broken 4 hours of rest,

headache from crying probably. Made some coffee, maybe the caffeine will help.

Texted my kid and told them I loved them, and we'll try for tomorrow or Saturday...

[synni]

8. I feel for you

In the past few weeks, my therapist has helped me realize that my family wasn't just mildly dysfunctional, but outright abusive.

I see now that my love for my family was actually trauma bonding (Google it, you'll be glad you did).

I'm determined to heal as best I can, but at this point, I'm done with crying. Now I'm angry. 51 years of my life, wasted, because they isolated me, controlled me, and screwed me over financially.

Thank God I have a supportive therapist and social worker helping me get through this. It's the beginning of my new life, which I want to live to the fullest. But I have to process the garbage, first.

In a rather symbolic act, I've spent the past few weeks going through things in every room, tossing out the useless items and donating the useful ones that I don't need. It's been liberating.

As a bonus, it's been a little like Christmas in advance. Today, I found lots of clothing items that I didn't know I had. Some fit me now, others will fit as I continue losing weight.

This, trying to eat better, trying to get out m ore, and doing relaxation techniques...all part of my self-care mission.

I wish the best for anyone else going through hsomething similar.

[FirstLight]

10. Definitely lots in common there...

My dad was the rager, he'd "only" yell, but it wasn't normal or ok. My mom was my "protector" but also helped try to tell me to "not upset my father", my older sister hated me from the day they brought me home from the hospital. She was the golden child, I was the fuckup...for my whole life as well. I'm turning 55 on new years. (there's a whle story around THAT which isn't as rosy as one might think, though it was my dad's FAVORITE story to tell everyone about...)

Mom had a catastophic stroke in May of '22, and we literally had to make the decision not to do a feeding tube and let her go...she was conscious when "we" (my sister) made that decision. Dad was already too far gone with dementia to understand she couldn't ever come home as "normal" again...as sis and the dr tried to explain how a feeding tube would work, my mom squeezed my hand like a vice and shook her head NO. So I knew it was what she wanted, not to be locked in her body...but it took her 11 days to finally let go and pass. She was so worried about me being ok.
(I was also a functional alcoholic at the time and my new roommate who turned into my wife who tried to kill me a month ago was already working on her grift)
Sis and I went back and forth for a year with dad in a care facility, she was the one who took over and I was so unprepared for everything I let her railroad me into giving up so much. she was only after the money.
Dad passed a year to the DAY in '23. I'd only been sober for about 6months.

I hate my sister now and will never speak to her again. she sold off the home my dad built without a pause, after telling me she'd keep it in the family...

My soon-to-be ex spent almost all the inheritance I did get, and I am just sitting here like "what happened?"

You'll se me post more here as things unfold.
I woke up this morning from a nightmare with my parents...it never happened, but it sure revealed the anxiety that I still live with.

[XanaDUer2]

9. Be well