So, since you folks are the only people I talk to other than my husband...

[OldBaldy1701E]

I guess I should tell you about earlier. My husband and I were eating a late lunch (or an early dinner, depending on your practices) and I was talking about a conversation I had with my younger brother. We were talking about the game Dungeons and Dragons and I was bemoaning the fact that each successive version of the game was just another money grab and a desire to explain every single thing about how to play the game, thus removing a lot of the imagination that used to make the game so much fun. He suddenly turns on me and starts berating me about how else could a D&D movie get made without the various versions. I am still not exactly sure what he was talking about, but what I took away from it was that he decided to jump in my shit for what amounted to no reason. I could tell he was in a mood today, but he has been in a mood for several months now.

I have no one else. What can I do when he gets like this? He is like talking to a tree trunk most of the time. I often feel that we dangle on the precipice of the canyon of silence where spouses look at each other but won't communicate and finally fall apart because neither will open up. I love him. I don't want him to be mad at me. I do want him to be more attentive and aware of reality. He seems to want to hide. I have already spent eight years living with someone who wants desperately to hide from reality. It has led to many issues. Too many. I don't want to deal with the idea that the man I love is turning into that man-child, but the evidence is building. I am scared enough without this happening as well.

I am still very confused as to why they can and will put down an animal for what is sometimes a simple thing, but they just won't extend to humans the same courtesy. Very confused.

It is always funny to me that I cry all the time, but when I really need to, I can't

[NoRethugFriends]

1. so how can you love someone who treats you like crap?

[OldBaldy1701E]

4. He is also going through some really bad things.

(Fuck it, I am going to tell the truth here. I hope they do sue me.)

My husband is employed by a certain bakery/cafe chain. He went from counter help to baker, to baker trainer, to baker supervisor, to baker manager for an entire market. When we moved up here, we moved into a hornets nest of people who did not like him because he was not 'GQ' or 'metrosexual' enough for them. (One upper manager complained that he never wore 'loafers', he always wore his bakery shoes. Which was because he was always having to take up the slack from the dweebs he was given to manage.) We moved up here because my husband was accepting a promotion to manage one of the two markets that existed. Well, once we moved here, they gave the promotion to a crony, so the person who was moving out of my husband's promotion did not have a position and therefore my husband did not have one. He worked here in his current position until they decided to break the area up into four markets. (This was not what he agreed to when they offered him this position.) This was partially because most of the 'underperforming' markets were in one part of the area and could be turned into its own market. They then gave him that market and told him that he had 90 days to fix it all or they would fire him.

Well, he did it. He got it all working and had a decent loyal group with him. Middle management did not like him, but the regional people did, so things stayed as they were. Until COVID hit. As you all know, we all went into lockdown in January of 2020. In February, he received an email informing him that the company was going to dissolve the entire department. Some 3000 managers were cut loose by email on one day. Just like that. I think it really hit him hard. It hit me hard too. I found it yet another example of how we are just too dependent on mega corporations to survive and that there are almost no other options out there. He got a severance package, which was a joke. He has not been the same since. He finally took a job as a regular baker with this same company because they are so mismanaged that they are desperate for bakers. He gets paid pretty well for it, but it is part time. We are barely hanging on.

I cannot help him. I cannot snap my fingers and fix this. I cannot stop being the burden that I am to someone who is probably falling apart like I am. He is the reason I am alive today. I would have passed 25 years ago were it not for him. (Whether or not that is a good thing is debatable.) He is all I have. When he gets like this... I don't know where to turn.

[Biophilic]

2. I've often wondered the same thing. It's like they are two very different things, but I don't see them that way.

We have more compassion for our animals than our friends and family. Yes, I believe what I did with my pets was compassionate or I wouldn't have done it. It just seemed cruel to let an animal suffer when they outcome was death no matter what. Why don't we have that kind of compassion for our fellow humans? I honestly don't know. Some states and nations have been willing to grapple with the question, but most seem to be terrified to even address the issue. If we don't talk about this then it goes underground. I'm old enough with enough physical challenges that I've thought about it myself, but I'm still conflicted about it both personally and on a larger, societal level.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. It is interesting that you say this.

One of my favorite book series is 'The Incarnations of Immortality' by Piers Anthony. In the first book (about the incarnation of Death), he goes to assist a suicide. The person is not dead yet, so they converse. After the person passes, Death says to himself, "I think he was half right. He may be better off without the game but the game may not be better off without him."

Well, that may be, but if the game wants a person to stay, it really needs to make sure the person knows that he is needed. I don't mean worship or some stupid thing like that. Just for the person to see that they have a use and what they do makes a difference.

Why is that too much to ask?

[Biophilic]

31. No, not too much to ask.

And a really interesting idea.

[niyad]

3. huggggggs. Sometimes it just hurts too much to cry. One is afraid that, once

the tears start, they will not stop. Has your husand been diagnosed with, or do you at least suspect, some form of dementia? I have found that the best response is no response. You cannot win, cannot make them see reason, and you simply exhaust yourself trying.

Are there any kinds of support groups, or day helpers, respite people, to give you a break? However much you do not want to face this, you must, for your own health and well-being as well as his.

I wish I had something more helpful to say. Perhaps others will. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[OldBaldy1701E]

22. I have been grappling with that thought.

He exhibits symptoms that make me feel he may be starting to suffer from dementia or Alzheimers, or something like that. It scares me a lot. He seems so disconnected from reality sometimes. He is a terror to ride with because he goes 50 mph on the interstate and 50 mph through parking lots. I am constantly giving apologetic waves and smiles as I watch people run out of the way.

[wryter2000]

5. I'm sorry

Two things stand out….

You two need to work on how you communicate. Therapy may be too much to ask. But some kind of structured feedback. He seems to have been reacting to something unsaid.

You both should have more friends. It could be something as simple as getting together with others to play games. Any kind of hobby to develop? For example, a lot of couples are members of plant societies, like growing orchids. Or dining out.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. Yep.

Communication is always a challenge with him. He is very taciturn. It is worse than pulling teeth to get him to talk. And, he is never wrong. If he is, see the previous sentence.

I have been trying to find a friend up here for going over eight years now. These people... they just don't operate the way I do. It is not just me. I have run into other people who are from my part of the country that say the same thing. One, who was a nurse where I got my quad bypass, told me that she had lived up here for ten years and they 'still don't know what to make of me!'. I don't know what else to do. I was a performer. Now I cannot do it. It is either too difficult for me or just reminds me that I failed and will never see any of my dreams. I stare at my guitars but do not want to play them. I sit here and cannot find the desire to do anything but stop trying. I can't sing much anymore, and that was my main offering at one time. I have a production company, but I cannot do anything without others to help me produce. Unless I have money to offer them, they are not interested. (Full disclosure, I do not have any money.)

We are basically too broke to do the 'group' thing. They always want to meet in coffeehouses and restaurants. They want 'dues' or they have this thing that only costs X to do. Plus, my interests are not exactly mainstream for people my age. And, as stubborn as it sounds, I am very tired of being the one to do all the adapting. That has been a practice for most of my life and I am sick of watching others not bend one inch and get away with it. Call me a curmudgeon, but there comes a time when one is out of fucks to give.

I am about there. Between the threat of arrest and worse due to my being undesirable (LBGTQA+) and not being able to be a productive worker drone (disabled, but the feds don't care), I face a slow death. Why prolong it more than it needs to be?

[Wicked Blue]

18. I felt that way living in Maryland

Not being very outgoing, I found it almost impossible to make friends there. Now that we're back home in NJ, I feel like I'm among my real people again. Is there any place you could go that you would feel more comfortable in?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is a difficult time of year. The days are short, and not getting enough sunlight affects many folks badly.

I hope you can find some light, real or metaphorical, to ease your pain.

[OldBaldy1701E]

23. Hehe, we are opposites.

The main issue I have up here is that these people redefine 'introverted'. I am not gregarious (there are those who would disagree), but I try to be up front with people. I guess that is not an admirable trait up here. When I walk into the supermarket, I make eye contact and acknowledge people who are approaching me. These people either look away or, in some cases, change direction just to not have to return my greeting or even pass close to me.

The places where I feel like I would be better able to connect with people are all red states (including my home state) and I have no possible way to survive in them without being rich or someone's toy. And, I am certainly not either. I would return to my beloved Outer Banks in a second if I thought we could survive there for longer than a week. And not be attacked by drunk MAGAts.

[mahina]

6. Just re-watched Stutz on Netflix. He has a tool for this.

In case you don’t have Netflix, I summarize, but not as well at all as if you could watch it. He shares a bunch of tools. This one I think is called unconditional love. You imagine the universe around you made of love every part of it is love and all of it is love, and then you imagine pulling all of that love into your heart, and then you directed at that person in your mind. Maybe it’s called unconditional acceptance.

I guess the idea is for me anyway you can’t do anything about him or his reactions but all he can do is manager on experience and what you feed into things and what it does to you or better, doesn’t do.

This is a Jonah Hill and Joaquin Phoenix project. I thought it was extra extraordinary. Good luck.

[mahina]

7. And maybe if it's right telling him you're extracting yourself from the conversation because you won't be spoken to that

Way, but you love him

[XanaDUer2]

8. I don't have the answer

I'm sorry tho. My partner is a pain. I attempt to not interact much. Today was wine day.

Just a hug. Pls vent here anytime.

[OldBaldy1701E]

14. A hug right back to you! (n/t)

[multigraincracker]

9. Does he have a doctor?

Sounds like he is depressed and might respond to meds or counseling. Not easy to suggest most likely. In the meantime it’s something you might consider for yourself.

[OldBaldy1701E]

15. We both need to see one.

But, they want to be paid. I don't blame them, but that means I cannot see them. I have nothing to pay them.

Yes, I have insurance. It is a joke. It exists solely so that they can say, "There are options!". NO, there are not. You either can afford real healthcare in this country or you cannot. Cheap insurance is just a very crappy band-aid over the real issue. Of course, when you get into the realm of 'mental health', you can just start adding zeros to the number.

I once was given meds for depression and anxiety. They screwed me up even more. I will never take them again. I need therapy. That is akin to wanting a gold house. Good freaking luck getting it if your last name is not Soros or Gates.

[XanaDUer2]

16. Call the social worker at senior cntr

And ask about mental health resources for the poor

[multigraincracker]

25. I understand. Try this, look up CBT for anxiety to start with.

You can find ways to deal with anxiety. Very easy and simple ways to work on without a professional. Then you can use it for some your other problems. Cost nothing, but a great way to get started
Might also look into some social activities to help you with stress. I tend to move a lot. I always look for a local Democratic Party to join, book club or group to get out of the house.
Best of luck and don’t give up, take some action.

[MLAA]

10. I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation.

Sounds like husband has been through a lot since the layoff and even before having to deal with the upstream management. However, that can’t be an excuse to lay so much grief at your door. I don’t know how to advise you to try to help him see that you aren’t the problem and in fact could help him lessen his anger/disappointment. Does he have any family or friends that could engage with him? I’m sending you lots of hugs and kind thoughts for you both. 🩵❤️🩷

[OldBaldy1701E]

17. He recently 'lost' his sister to a church.

She now wants to act embarrassed if he calls and she is with one or more of her brood. They also loaned us some money recently when the car broke down. They (she and her husband) told us that it was fine and that there was no hurry to pay them back. (She married into money anyway. They could afford it.) Suddenly they were both giving him grief about repaying it. We managed to repay them and now they seem to not want to talk to him. She called on Thanksgiving, but he did not take the call. She is the only immediate family he has left. They had lost touch when he was a teen and he had been so pleased that they had reconnected and were building a new relationship. Now they are acting like assholes.

I can't fix this either. I can't do anything for myself or anyone else. He needs me (not as much as I need him, but he does) and I am failing him again.

[MLAA]

20. Oh, sweetheart! In my experience you cannot fix another person or persons!

Last edited Sun Dec 8, 2024, 09:11 PM - Edit history (1)

You can’t fix his sister or anyone else’s behavior. Please don’t blame yourself! You can be supportive and loving but you can’t take the blame for what others do or say. 🩵🩵🩵🩵. Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

Corrected a typo…can’t rather than can.

[SheltieLover]

12. Is there a senior center near you?

I'm so saddened to hear all you are going through.

Likely if you got out & made some friends it would help you and/ or both of you. Playing cards or other games, exercise classes, book discussion group, etc. would definitely help you to feel more connected.

If there isn't a senior center nearby, Senior Planet offers free exercise classes:

https://seniorplanet.org/classes/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiApNW6BhD5ARIsACmEbkWt06kVNVsUUbLFbffXxfQgGhRSUgbK2_P6wwU2YdVIkVjvsHXs4NAaAvmrEALw_wcB

I agree with previous posts suggesting you talk to hubby's doctor.

[OldBaldy1701E]

19. Guess what?

The doctor that we were both seeing is now gone. (A world bicycling trip. Whatever.) He has not been to one since his last visit, which was over two years ago. I have started with a new one where we go, but I cannot convince him to go, since he has no insurance. We cannot afford to cover us both and he demands that I be the one to have it.

I am having real issues with finding others to hang with because I am so different than most people my age. At least, the ones that live around here, anyway.

[SheltieLover]

21. Well, you could talk to your doc about him.

I hear you on being different than those in our immediate vicinity.

Try Planet Fitness. It won't fix your problems, but would be an outlet for you.

[Skittles]

26. may I ask your age bracket, are you anywhere near Medicare eligibility?

so very sorry you are going through such hard times, but let it be known he cannot take his stress out on you, that just plain wrong and disrespectful

[OldBaldy1701E]

28. Not yet.

I am 60. The age for that stuff to kick in is 62. I doubt I will make it. Plus, we all know that they are going to raise that as soon as that orange gibbon takes power.

I aim to talk to him this morning. That can be a tricky thing as he is stubborn and seldom wants to talk about such things. He has no answers and I hate that I do not.

[Skittles]

30. actually the initial age for Medicare is still 65

62 is the earliest you can take Social Security

you are old enough where you may escape changes moving forward but I hear you, no telling what these fascist fucks will do

stick with us, we care.....don't make excuses your guy to treat you badly, don't stand for that.....tell him we all have issues but it's never OK to take it out on someone else

[OldBaldy1701E]

24. Quick clarification.

The person I mentioned as having 'lived with for over eight years and I don't want my husband to turn into him' is not my husband. It is the person who owns the place where we live. That is a whole other story. One of deceit and misdirection brought on by someone who was and is deluded. And, we fell for it. But, to be honest, there was little way to know the reality of the situation before we decided to join this person at his place. Just as it can be difficult to recognize a high functioning alcoholic, it can be difficult to recognize a spoiled brat when they are also high functioning.

[No Vested Interest]

27. Take a deep breath, smile, and say " You may be right". And move on...

[OldBaldy1701E]

29. That is basically what I did.

Except I did not smile.

To be honest, I am sick of 'moving on'. I am sick of being the 'better man'. I am sick of being the one who has to change and adapt while others get to stay the same. This is something that needs to be addressed.

[XanaDUer2]

32. How are you today? Nt

[OldBaldy1701E]

33. Trying to act like I am in the holiday spirit while falling behind on getting stuff done.

I have to send off my pathetic gifts by Friday or they probably won't get to the different places in time. I am finding it harder and harder to stay active and productive. It is a fight sometimes.

My hubby seems more normal now. I think he knows he pushed things a bit too far this last time. He has been much better at being more like a human being and less like a brick wall. We are both scared about the next few months. We have to find a place to move to. We have little in the way of funds and with only one part time job as income, even if we do find something chances are we cannot afford it over the long haul. We need to look into getting out of the city, but there is no way we can survive anywhere else, We can't really do it here, but getting further away from county and state services is certainly not going to help. Plus, being a gay couple, cities are about the only place we would have a chance f surviving anyway.

The biggest thing I am dealing with is the the internal conflict going on inside. The faction that is trying to keep on fighting is losing ground to the faction that knows all of this means nothing and why should I keep on breathing without being able to experience any meaning to it all? Why should I suffer one second longer? For what reason? What reason could possibly justify suffering when I have no chance of being anything like I wanted? I can't even justify surviving because I have helped someone. I am around one person. I speak to one person. I can only spend time with one person. He should not have to bear this onus alone, but there is no one else.

So, not doing all that great I guess.

[XanaDUer2]

34. I'm so sorry

Believe me, I'm feeling the same. Keep us updated.

[OldBaldy1701E]

35. Thanks.