Why bother? ...it's all gonna fucking burn anyway...

[FirstLight]

I dont know if I've been sick this week because of my autoimmune disease or depression, but it feels like both.

I keep seeing posts here and elsewhere "keep fighting" and "fight back" and I am tired and i think I'm out of fight.

What's the point of re-launching my stupid website? What's the POINT of doing my homework for a BA that won't ever happen? what's the point of struggling to make this body work better when it's broken and I'm gonna lose my healthcare and then I'll really just want to die...

It's just like, how am I gonna make anything actually work in this life of mine...I'm 55, disabled, and pretty much broke.

It's just feeling very dark right now and if the ones we thought would be our 'helpers' are not able to help, wtf am *I* gonna do?


ETA: thanks for the hearts

[Silent Type]

1. I get it. I just don't think you will lose health coverage, if for no other reason than plenty of GOPers are in same

situation. Again, I understand the concern. Take care.

[LiberalLoner]

3. I agree, I don't think they will take healthcare away.

[WheelWalker]

2. A monk running from a tiger comes to a precipice....

A monk running from a tiger comes to a precipice. Catching hold of the root of a wild vine, the monk swings himself down over the edge and climbs part way down the cliff. Below him, at the base of the cliff, is another tiger, looking up at him with hunger. Two mice start chewing the vine. The monk sees a wild strawberry growing nearby; he plucks it and eats it, savoring its sweetness.

Memento Mori, Ergo Memento Vivere

[LiberalLoner]

4. Beautiful answer!

[sheshe2]

5. 💙💙💙

[LiberalLoner]

6. I'm 62 and disabled by MS. And wondering if the cancer I was treated for last year will come back soon or not. I just

Wanted to let you know, you aren’t alone.

Sometimes I have those feelings too.

Playing with my art supplies and knowing I won’t ever be a real artist, so sometimes I do wonder, what’s the use?

All the stuff happening lately….feeling like a speck of dust in a tornado. Just blown all over.

Some days I wake up and think, well, I’m not dead yet, gotta do something today since I’m not dead.

So I make some tea and feed the crows peanuts, which is their favorite snack in the whole world, and usually my geriatric beloved kitty climbs up on my lap, and chatters at the crows he can’t catch.

To anyone watching, I’m just an old broken down woman, anyone could make fun of. Not very interesting or smart. Not special in any way.

But for that moment when I am drinking my tea and Mr. Bobo is purring on my lap, and the crows are cawing in excitement for the peanuts, life seems pretty good.

I think about all the things I’ve lived through. The mental pain and the physical pain. And it feels pretty good to feel safe for awhile, and free of pain. While I am sipping my tea, that seems like enough. And life seems pretty good.

If we can find moments like that each day, life is worth living, I think.

Your special magic times won’t look like mine, everyone has different magic in their lives, but I know if you look for those bits of magic in each day, you might think, life really is worth living, after all.

P.S. and when I’m feeling really silly, I play this song and sing along with it. It gives me a chuckle.

?si=A-b0yMJmas_doaQn


P.P.S. And if Daniel Johnston could live his broken dreams, so can we.

?si=UEBNE1aQvPzlImiC

[LiberalLoner]

8. And during these darkest of days, we should always remember....we are not alone! Missoula Coyote Choir...

?si=MbxMPdTxisydkGTP

[FirstLight]

9. Thank you

More tears... I had a good cuddle with my kitty earlier and I have those magic times too...its just so hard to find my motivation sometimes

So thank you for the reminder

[OldBaldy1701E]

19. If there are only 'bits' to be had...

Why bother looking? The fact that there are 'bits' as opposed to 'years', 'months', or even 'days' is enough to make a person run off of the nearest cliff.

I think we have been programmed to be too easily convinced that the tiny slivers of positive normalcy that we get are just the way life works for us and we should not expect anything more. In fact, we should be grateful for those few that manage to appear in our lives.

I disagree with that thought. I don't like the idea that we are all destined to suffer through most of our lives with only a few moments of contentment or happiness to offset the drudgery. That has been the case in my life, but I still don't like it.

You are amazing in that you still hold some spark of soul in your body. Especially after the things you mention in your post. Good for you.

Mine left me a long time ago. Zombies have more soul than I.

[LiberalLoner]

21. I'm so sorry. To explain, I grew up being abused in pretty much every way. I never felt safe.

I clung to the happy moments I had at school. The moments I had in bed before I fell asleep, when I felt safe.

I’ve had a whole lifetime of trying to hold on and look forward to the little bits and pieces of happiness, wherever I could find them. It’s the only life I know.

[OldBaldy1701E]

23. And, I apologize for how harsh that now sounds.

I was also in that boat, and it was by two people who society would see as 'loving parents'. However, 'society' was not always around, as you well know.

I did not mean my reply to come off as it did. It was rude and insensitive.

Depression is a monster and monsters don't care about feelings (except their own) and hurting others (they don't want to be hurt themselves). Like many others, I have fought this monster my entire life. And it is not the only monster I have to fight each and every day.

I hope you are in a better place these days. My idiocy notwithstanding, I hope your day is a good one.

[LiberalLoner]

24. No worries! 💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗. I hope your day is a good one too! Although I am freaking out today,

About everything. Anxiety through the roof. Today is a struggle.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. The last few days have been.

[LiberalLoner]

26. They've been rough, that's the truth.

[multigraincracker]

7. Get a pencil and paper and write down 5 times in your life that were your proudest moments.

I tried that a month ago when I was feeling pretty blue. Took me a long time to get to 5. Then more just started popping up until I lost count.

[BigmanPigman]

10. I know what you mean!

I'm in a similar situation. In 2016 my doctor told me I'd probably live 7 more years. I had been counting on it in a way. I am so tired.

[LiberalLoner]

11. Love all of you here, so much. I just love you guys and I am glad you are here. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Mike 03]

14. I feel the same way. The support forums have become so much

more important to me recently.

[kozar]

12. FirstLight

You have a disease, LilBit, has a disease.
I have a disease.
In the last 18 months, I've been dead 3 times. Coded, been , on the other side, there's no light, there are dreams.
You, are studying and doing, through your pain. There is a point, mine, was my challenged daughter.and I'm still posting and seeing a counselor every week, who, I expressed, the same thought, in different words.
The fact, that you are running a website to fight back,
Than do that! The Addy of your website, explains, your mind.

Im just Koz

[Mike 03]

13. Man do I empathize. Try to hang on until spring.

Just speaking for myself, January and February are my worst months and all my physical issues flare up simultaneously, and of course it's cold and dark and the days are short, and we're going through a national trauma.

But damn I know what you are saying. I had to make a conscious decision to make a number of changes and focus on things other than politics--for my basic sanity. But change is not so easy for a lot of people, and even though making changes makes things better, it doesn't necessarily make them great or even good.

Try to find something positive about every day, and better yet to create it for yourself if you can. You have a lot of people pulling for you.

[LiberalLoner]

15. Hey you, just checking in on you, how are you feeling today? 🤗💙

[FirstLight]

16. workin' on it... trying to motivate to shoft my surroundings...

Even if I can't do the BIG stuff like mopping etc, maybe lighting sime candles and getting laundry done will help...


I was thinking of blasting some Rage Against the Machine for inspiration

I'm still in the dumps about school and what to do with my fucking life... but I can only do one thing at a time for now.

I truly appreciate the check-in...yesterday was really rough, I went to bed at 5pm and had nightmares ...

[LiberalLoner]

17. Even just one little thing can start a cycle of positivity!

I like your idea of doing some laundry and lighting some candles!

The lit candles sound very hygge! I love that concept.


It’s okay to not know right now what to do with the rest of your life.

Tomorrow might bring a meteor that sends us all to the next adventure after this life.

We never know!


Plans can be a nice thing, but they aren’t 100% necessary.

Sometimes it’s okay to just have a little happiness today.

We don’t really have to prove anything to anyone in life. We are told we have to meet goals and keep up with the Joneses, but that is a lie.


At the end of life, what most people interviewed said they regretted most, was not being true to themselves. Trying to do what other people wanted, instead of what they really wanted. They felt they wasted their lives.


What would make you feel happy to do today?

Be Pippi Longstockings. Remember those books from childhood? She didn’t care if she fit in or accomplished things! For her, every morning presented fun things to do, and adventures.

During these hard times, and while you are hurting, try most of all to just be yourself. And be a good friend to yourself.

You can always plan the rest of your life, tomorrow.

💙💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[LiberalLoner]

18. Hey I wanted to ask you, have you ever noticed that in movies, when they have candles,

There is always like two hundred or more of them lit at the same time????

Who on earth has that many candles????

Or lights them all at the same time? That’s a house fire waiting to happen.


I just always thought it was kind of weird.

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. "I'm 55, disabled, and pretty much broke."

Yep. I am right there with you. Sixty, disabled (the Social Security Administration says I am disabled, but they won't do anything to help me), and completely broke. Not in the modern 'down to my last $1000' broke, but the traditional 'I don't have two pennies to rub together' broke. Hell, I am now in the position where I occasionally have to decide between medications and food. I doubt I will go to the doctor again because I cannot afford it, even with this joke of an insurance policy I have.

But, one thing to hold onto is that everything will not burn. Some of it will, because we are too far gone to not have that happen (and because some of it needs to, to be honest about it, although it is not the things that the rethugs want to burn), but I want to believe that Americans won't literally stand there and watch the entire thing burn because of an outdated and unrealistic desire for 'decorum'.

'I have nothing to offer anyone.' I have said this many times in the past six or so years. However, this is an incorrect statement. We have plenty to offer others. It is just that no one wants to hear any of it.

Their loss. Not yours. Remember that.

I wish I had something more uplifting to say, but I am where you are. However, always know you have a sympathetic ear here. At least we can rot together.

[LiberalLoner]

22. Hey, FirstLight and everyone else, how are you doing today? Please check in! 💙💙💙

Sending hugs to everyone, and hoping you find some magic today in spite of all that is going on.

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

[FirstLight]

27. Still here, still breathing, still trying to heal

You know I realized, it's only been a couple of months since my ex tried to actually kill me. Maybe I need to cut myself some slack. I feel like this administration is continuing that feeling of being an abusive relationship.. and the helplessness the fear ...the desire to just roll over and give up.

I'm trying to get a grip. I managed to do a little bit of cleaning today. I'm so judgmental of myself and what I can and cannot do. And when I'm in a funk like this, it just snowballs into self-abuse.
Yeah I've got a good therapist, but even she can't fix what else is going on inside my head when she's not around.

I have to figure out how to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and maybe today is not the day for that. Maybe it's okay that I did just a couple of things on my list. Maybe it's okay for me to just be not okay for a little while...