Somebody asked me: What do you despair over?
Well, the main thing is the complete mindset that the country has about economics vs humanity. I am done with the concern over a green piece of paper as opposed to people starving in the street. Yes, this is personal, as I have been homeless and destitute before, and am looking at it again... this time with a mate. It was one thing to be hiding in overgrown turnabouts to sleep when I was alone, but now I have someone who I love and who looks to me. I have nothing and I am nothing. I have failed him time and time again. And, it is all because I do not care about the little green piece of paper. I do not care that people are d**k waving their wealth around. I do not care that someone drives a gold Bentley. I care that people are starving in the streets. I care that people are dying from things that could be prevented, but we are far too stuck on worrying about the costs of doing it. I care that cities and counties are holding vast tracts of lands inside urban areas that they will not use for sheltering the homeless or even offering a spot for a rest and a meal. I worry when I see some rich asshat making a show about walking into some charity (that allows him to write the entire thing off, so technically they gave nothing, and will use 80 cents of the dollar for their own swanky offices and salaries) to show off his 'altruism' while stepping over the person laying in the sidewalk because they have no where to go.
As far as I am concerned, after living in this country for 60 years, the one thing I did learn is that propaganda works. Mostly because people are far more willing to believe in a flimsy, scattershot lie that keeps their lives easy than to accept the reality of the situation. That would require effort and sacrifice, the two things I feel 99% of the country are just not willing to do, even to stop the approach of tyranny and oligarchy. We would rather have that latte than save a life.
I never did belong in this world and I am convinced that it was a mistake to remain after I realized it. Now, I have someone who made the biggest mistake of his life stuck with me and I cannot fix anything. I can barely move some days. No one cares. No one is going to help me. No one would ever throw money at a lost cause.. And, that is what I am. These days, there are restrictions on those who get aid. Those restrictions are insane and only serve as an excuse to deny people aid. The fact that no one has done anything about this tells me plenty. I am not worth anyone's time because I cannot be a good little wage slave. And, since I am not making someone else rich, and I am not rich myself, I am less than worthless to this nation. Forget the last 43 fucking years. They don't count. I now understand that they never did.
(Of course, I am not that at all. But, based on where I am, what is going on, and the state of the nation at this time, I am useless and worthless. If I had a pistol, I probably would not have been posting here for the few years that I have been. It is only my cowardice that has kept me here, since I won't end my life if it is going to be painful, and I doubt there is such a thing as a non-painful way. So, here I sit...)
My husband saved me from ending it all in 2001. I wonder if he is now aware of what a mistake that was. To say I am his albatross is an understatement. To say I am a mistake is barely scratching the surface.
To say I don't belong here is just common sense.
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We just don't want to do it. 