I had a meltdown on the artist's forum last night. I am so sorry to DU.
I am very grateful for the kind DUers who gave me support and hope.
I think everything has been getting to me a bit.
I don’t want to do art work anymore and I thought, I don’t think that will ever come back, I think my happiness is over, what is the point of anything? You know how you can spiral into those thoughts. And feeling like a failure because none of my work the last couple of months has been anything but garbage, and I thought, well there goes my hope that I still had something to give to the world, now I am useless and worthless. The dark thoughts.
Trying to do better today and stop myself from spiraling.
I feel shell shocked too from all that is going on, from what my husband tells me as a federal worker in DC. I feel hopeless on that front, too. We are all grappling with those feelings now.
It is so hard.
I’m grateful for the DUers who showed me kindness and patience last night and I apologize for my meltdown, and I should have posted it here and not there. I went there because I wanted to tell my fellow artists why I haven’t posted in awhile and why I maybe won’t post there ever again.
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That most of us in this forum have felt the same way at one time or another.
The current regime sucks all the beauty, happiness, and enjoyment out of life. I myself have felt like saying, what’s the point? as well. Sometimes I go for months without creating anything because I just don’t feel it.
I do think we draw inspiration from each other. So getting on DU here and seeing what others are doing is a big mental boost, at least for me. And knowing that we sane people are many.
We can’t let “them” get the best of us!
P.S. I love your work and when you’re ready I’d love to see more of it.
But, I am in the same boat. I have lost any desire to perform or to create such things. I stare at my instruments and never touch them. I look at what I have done so far and feel that it is over. I failed anyway. I was unable to make a living for myself, as I was too much of a performer and not enough of a business mogul. Hell, I never saw the need for business in art anyway. As far as I am concerned the desire to make art into a business destroyed the concept altogether. All I know is that spark that used to burn so brightly inside of me is gone.
Maybe you can find something else that might fill some of that void left by that loss. Again, I am not the one to suggest anything, as I failed in three different careers. But, maybe there is something out there that can help you find some of that spark again.
Good luck.
Sometimes just letting go and giving ourselves permission to stop creating (including, taking a break from doing it) can reanimate the desire to do it.
Also, it's my observation that sometimes when creative people are depressed or upset they are not good judges of the quality of their own work. Some remarkable art has been created by people who thought they were worthless or had given up, or were creating only for money to survive and therefore thought their work was terrible (but it wasn't).
I, too, feel like I've been run over by a wrecking ball as a result of all that is going on in our country and the world. I can't believe I'm even typing this, because I have a very good imagination--but what has happened over the past two weeks is actually worse than my worst-case scenario. So it's not a surprise you are feeling this, especially with your husband being a federal worker.
I hope things improve for you.
