How do I get friends to check in on me more?

[FirstLight]

I've got my standard bestie that lives 200+ miles away, and my oldest is in NC and yet we chat or talk every day... But I have at least a handful of "friends" that I've known for years, they live here in town, and yet we only bump nto eachother occasionally...and we post on FB but that's it...

I need more friends who are invested in me...but how do you go about finding those people who give a crap?
I'm sure I also pushed a LOT of people away because of the abusive Ex and lost my chances at cultivating deeper connections for when my kids left the house.

In all my life, I have never actually lived "alone" until now.
I kinda like it, but being super sick the past few weeks has made me think twice about not having regular check-ins. If I had passed out in the kitchen when my ear went numb with that sinus infection, I could have hit my head and never got up...cats eat the face... not good.

Anyway, I know once I get well (god, I swear I've been sick for the entire month!) and Spring begins, more of us will be active and agan, that's where I feel left out. But I am going to forge ahead with my own stuff when I get my energy back....hopefully create a new tribe of sorts....

[everyonematters]

1. Where do you live in North Carolina?

[FirstLight]

3. I'm in Tahoe...my kid is in NC

sorry if that wasnt clear...lol

[MLAA]

2. I wouldn't be afraid to invite them over for a cup of coffee and a catch up chat. Then I'd give them an update on recen

health concerns and directly ask them to call and check in on you more often. If they are open to it they are your friends in not they are acquaintances. Sending hugs!

[FirstLight]

4. yeah, that's the kicker... acquaintences aren't the same...

After the big DV/attempted murder in October, I literally scoured my friends down to bare bones, now I wanna reach out again, but it's also scary. Even though my ex has NOBODY in this town, and any of our mutual friends online have divided themselves up...

I'm looking to re-start doing drumming circles and teaching my nature classes in Spring, maybe find a "new tribe" of people who are like minded

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. I do miss going to drum circles.

I just can't do it these days. They re all too far away and my hubby works during the days when most people hold one.

[MLAA]

11. Wishing you all the best! I wouldn't have thought it would be easy to make new, good friends late in life (I'm 64)

I was wrong. In the last year I’ve made 2 new friends. In the last 2 years and they have both brought me joy. I hope I’ve returned the favor. You can do it!

[MotownPgh]

5. The only way to have a friend is to be

one. Make an effort to check in call or text with some locals. It takes effort but maybe you can build local connections. Try not to trauma dump and be a good listener. This has helped me.

[FirstLight]

6. I do as much non-trauma dumping as I can thanks

And I invite friends out for coffee or ask them if I can meet them for lunch or what not so believe me I have also gone out of my way to try and connect

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. I agree with you completely.

BUT, this demands that I tell a story.

I once had my life disintegrate and I had to move back in with my alcoholic father because my mother would not let me stay with her, which was the general area where I had been living for ten years. So, I had to go back two hours away to live with my old man. He was also not okay with it, but he grew to not be so sour about it. However, this also meant that I had left all my 'friends' two hours away from me. (I was without transportation at this time.) This was still during the time when landlines were the main form of communications. There were cell phones, but they were problematic around my home town. (Bumfuck Egypt had a bigger population and was more modern than my home town.)

So, I started call them. I was lonely and missed them. After the first six months, I noticed something. I was the one doing all the calling. They did not ever call me. I decided one day that it was time to conduct an experiment to see whether or not I really had friends of the type that meant they had a connection to me and vice versa. I called each person one last time and, during the course of the conversation, made sure to indicate that I would not be calling them again until I heard from them. Then, I sat back and waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Do you know how many actually tried to call me during the four years I lived there?

None.

These are people that I had spent the last ten years laughing, crying, partying, and feeling a kinship with. I learned it meant nothing to them. I learned much during that experience. Mainly that my definition of 'friend' and the rest of the planet's definition of 'friend' is... widely convergent, shall we say?

Moral of the story?

You never know who your friends are until they remind you. Yes, you have to make overtures, and you have to make an effort in such a relationship. But when the other side does not, then what?

Simply put, you were wrong about their commitment to the friendship. You were wrong about their position in your life. You learn that you were wasting your time and money to be with people who were obviously being put upon to be with you. It can be an eye-opening experience.

And, it can be devastating.

[MotownPgh]

14. Yes i learned this during covid

and being housebound caring for someone in their 90s. Out of sight out of mind is a real thing. Someone explained it to me as "proximity" friends. I am still closed off from the world and people but learned alot during covid and since. I really don't miss them. The world has always and will continue to leave some of us behind

[SheltieLover]

7. Call them and in the course of conversation, tell them you'd like to stay in closer touch

Invite them to call you, too!

[FirstLight]

9. I did a lot of reaching out today,

Telling friends that we shouldn't live in the same small town and not see each other and that it's been too long and that I'd love to take them to lunch or whatever their schedule is go out for coffee and meet them or whatever so we'll see if anybody actually texts me back

[SheltieLover]

10. Great job!

[LiberalLoner]

12. I think loneliness is at all time highs and we are all afraid of one another. I don't

Know what the answer is but I hope you will be able to create a network of good friends.

You have us here on DU! But we can’t physically check in on you, unless we live in the same town.

💙💙💙💙