For some subconscious reason, I seem to have lost ground
The last two nights have been filled with nightmares. Thursday night I fell asleep, just fine, but had another version of the same nightmare. Last night, despite taking my night time sleep/anxiety medication, it took me 2 1/2 hours to finally fall asleep. Then nightmare #1 hit. I woke up in time for the kid cat's breakfast and then fell back to sleep. Nightmare #2 hit, and it was a doozy.
These nightmares are always about me being in severe distress and nobody seems to notice or care. They involve me becoming VERY weak, barely being able to walk, muscles freezing and vision fading. 9 times out of 10, the people in these dreams are either past acquaintances or family/friends. The worst part of these nightmares is that sometimes I wake up from one and when I fall back to sleep, I fall right back in to the nightmare. I truly believe this is the result of me holding secret things that happened to me and disguising how I was feeling because being depressed or anxious was unacceptable in my family. Then it became a habit. Things really started to explode when my sister and mom died. My sister would have been fully supportive, once I opened up. Not so with my mother. I was enough of a disappointment to her, as it was. (Independent, self-supporting, zero desire to marry and have kids, preferring to travel. I learned to not share feelings with her. Sometimes she'd laugh. Sometimes she'd say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself. One time she bought me a tennis racket, saying that's all I needed - to play more tennis. She was a much better Mother than she was a Mom. I learned to never confide in her.
Up until now I've been having a few good days so I've just taken 1/2 the daytime anxiety medication, or taking none at all. I'm going back to at least a 1/2 dose, every day. Or 1/2 in the morning and the other in the evening.
I just know that today is St .David's Day (Dydd Gwyl Dewi Hapus!) so I'm meant to be singing and celebrating. I even plan to make Welsh Cakes and have a bit of Penderyn Welsh Whisky to honor the blood line. All I really want to do is sleep, but that might bring more nightmares.
This is leaving me VERY frustrated!! Hopefully it is just a phase.
OK, time to stop whinging so I can get started on the Welsh Cakes.
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My dreams sound a lot like yours. Some impending disaster about to happen and I am surrounded by people who don’t seem to care about it, then I cannot walk or move my feet for some reason. I can’t find the door, I can’t find the car keys, etc.
You always seem to be able to understand why and do something about your anxiety. Like today you’re making Welsh Cakes. That’s such a positive thing! Keeping your mind off things with a distraction.
I always envied other female friends who had an open and friendly relationship with their moms. Sadly, I learned not to confide in my mother, either.
I hope you can get past these nightmares and this repressed thing that is trying to make you miserable.
We are here and glad that you are!
