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[Locut0s]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Locut0s) on Fri Jan 3, 2014, 12:22 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[applegrove]

1. Take the long view. Everybody has some

very tough times in their lives. Think of your grandparents. Those tough times pass and you live the rest of your life so gratefull. People are happier as they age. You realize the thing you hated about yourself when you were young has a flip side. And this flip side is what gives you character when you are older. You have so many options. You could take a year off school. Or you could work as a janitor for a few years and save up for a trip around the world. Going back to school at any age is cool these days, in fact it is expected that people will have many careers. You have so many lives to live. And so much happiness to enjoy simply because you have been through tough times. Like they say "if you are going through hell - keep going!"

[Locut0s]

12. Thank you. I have given up so many times in the past...

Dropped out of university 4 or 5 times before. Walked away from one job. I was a shut in for quite a while. I know I can't keep running but I feel like going forward is going to kill me too. I'm totally exhausted at the end of every day and I don't want to face the world. The very thought of getting a job and having to face responsibilities, deadlines etc makes me think of suicide. I'm having enough trouble getting simple assignments and tests done and my stress level is already at a 10 most of the time. I come home and cry many days.

I've been on a series of meds and seen a therapist and psychiatrist with little benefit. I suppose I should keep trying.

Again thank you very much for the kind reply.

[fizzgig]

2. I often feel like i've let myself down

four year degree and i'm working in a call center. but it fits my life and my life style, far less stress than I had at my "real" job.

take care of yourself first, take time off if you need to. there is nothing shameful about taking time to get yourself and your life where you need it to be to be healthy and happy.

don't keep beating yourself up over this. we all move at our own pace

[Stuart G]

3. about......beating ourselves up... let us try to get thru today..today only...

Last edited Mon Apr 8, 2013, 07:21 PM - Edit history (1)

well... ..if we can get thru today..in one piece, is that ok??? Maybe just for today..
we do not beat ourselves up..maybe.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just for today...I can live thru this day only...'
Not dealing with my whole life problem at once..
I can do something today, that might be impossible,
If I knew that I had to keep it up for lifetime..

the above is from an EA phamphlet...EA..Emotions Anonymous..
who used it from ALAON...


today is the only day you need to think about..yes, that is hard..
but we can do it...note I said "WE" not me..........
good luck..

[Locut0s]

11. Thank you. I am indeed NOT taking care of myself. Drinking on weekends and...

Eating horribly as a response to the stress. I'm killing myself really. If I can get through this I need to find some way of destressing properly.

[olddots]

4. The time to worry is when you don't give a shit .

You can give yourself a break the pressure must be staggering and over powering.

[Locut0s]

10. Thanks you! That means a lot. If I manage to get through I'll take a break, thanks. nt.

[get the red out]

5. Staying alive and relatively ok

Staying alive and relatively ok is sometimes accomplishment enough for one day. I need to remember that too. I wish I had known when I was young that I could actually take a break from college then come back when I was doing better. I didn't know that was "allowed" and if I skipped a semester I was afraid I was a failure and my chance at an education was over. I ended up making poor decisions for myself career-wise because of this misunderstanding. I wanted to do what everyone expected me to do and though I got both my bachelor and master degrees; my life fell completely apart within two years afterward and I was despised by my family for that. So taking a break from school to try to achieve some mental healing couldn't have made them hate me any worse in the end.

Good luck in whatever happens with school. I have been going through a rough spot myself lately. If you have people who will be supportive, maybe it would help to talk to them; that has helped me not completely lose my mind this weekend. I hate these hell spots. I am starting to finally discover how much some human support can help.

[Locut0s]

9. Thank you for the kind reply. It means a lot. I do realize I can take a break, I have in the past...

I was in and out of university 4 or 5 times in the past, at a different institution. However I suppose those weren't breaks. They were more breakdowns as I would just drop out and try to come back later without having solved anything.

I've been on a series of different meds and seen a therapist and psychiatrist with little benefit, I suppose I should keep trying. Though the fact that these efforts continue to fail to bear fruit makes me feel all the worse.

I'm going to see my Dr. tomorrow to see if there isn't anything else other than my emotional problems behind my constant exhaustion.

[hunter]

6. If they didn't want me in their college, they'd throw me out. And they did. Twice.

My third try I graduated, mid 'eighties, but mostly because they didn't want me around any more. Things are tougher now.

A dean of the college said to me, "I think you should go to graduate school, Hunter. But NOT here."

I'd burned too many bridges.

He wasn't yet a dean when he got me kicked out of school the first time for fighting with one of his teaching assistants. A very uncomfortable situation. The T.A. threw chalk at me, then erasers, and then books. Big fat books. I'd called his one of his curves "bullshit." In my defense I didn't throw anything back at him, just words, but campus police were called, and they knew me. I got an "F" and a don't come back. I was punished with a "take a mental health leave of absence or we'll expel you forever" timeout.

When I repeated the course a couple of years later, different professor, different TA, I got the highest score in the class.

I already had a reputation with the campus police as a mild mannered and affable diversion from their usual two o'clock in the morning calls. Much more cheerful than the crappy drunk-and-disorderly, vandalism, drug abuse, date rape, and domestic violence calls. Their graveyard shift routine of taking Hunter home was almost as fun as free donuts and a coffee break. Or free pizza. Free pizza I could wrangle. I had connections. Taco Bell too. Extra goodwill if they interrupted my roomies and a young woman answered the door in a state of irritated long-legged undress and glimpse of areola.

Okay, ha, ha, Hunter lost his clothes on the beach and a concerned citizen called 'cause they thought he was suicidal an trying to drown himself. No, I was swimming.

Or we picked him up trespassing in an industrial park and his feet were bleeding. No, I was simply running and I forgot to put on my shoes.

I've always had a vision of this world as it ought to be, and I've lived by that. It's almost certainly not accurate, maybe not even sane, and I've suffered the consequences, but I am what I am.

I'd still be moving furniture, working warehouses, or setting tiles, all good honorable work, but sometimes even sitting on my butt most of the day writing code I wake up in the morning and wish I could still take NSAIDS without my stomach complaining and blood in my stools.

Coffee and Motrin is NOT the breakfast of champions. But coffee and other serious meds almost keep me functional.

Hang in there.

[Downwinder]

7. My brother decked a Prof. and I got kicked out.

[Locut0s]

8. Thank you very much for your reply. That's quite an experience you went through, have you...

have you ever been diagnosed with a specific condition, Bipolar, Major Depression, etc? It sounds like it from your last sentance on "serious meds". Your description sounds a little like some form of Bipolar.

My main issue is suppose, among a grab bag of other competing self esteem and emotional problems, is that I can't come to terms with the world. It's the old inability to accept the roll of Sisyphus we have all been given. I'm HORRIBLE at dealing with stress and every little stressor cause me to go into anxiety and depression overdrive. On top of this I have social phobia. I can't face having to go out and face the world every day, I just want to wall myself off in a comfortable hole somewhere the rest of my life. I dream of being a hermit somewhere. Yet paradoxically I crave attention and friendship.

I've been on several different medications and seen a therapist and psychiatrist without too much effect. I should probably continue to try.