I am having a real hard time forgiving and deciding what to do with my "boyfriend"

[Maraya1969]

I was obsessed with this guy for months and he treated me horribly. I realize I had a problem. But all of a sudden last week he called me and was all, "please forgive me and told me how he was afraid of being close so he acted like a big shot and pushed people away.

But the the thing is this guy is a horrible alcoholic and I am almost positive he has bipolar disorder. He has spent the last several months in and out of rehabs and psych wards, sober living homes and homeless places.


So I said he could come here. I was very leary. I certainly do not have the kind of feelings I used to have with this man. Come to find out that while he was telling me how little money he had he was going to the ATM, taking money out and getting drunk with it. Thant was right after he got really manic one night
ht.

So last night he was drunk, (and I thought he only had one or two until the police told me he was "inebriated). He was horrible so when he went outside I locked him out of the house. So a couple minutes later a large brick is thrown through my double glass window and glass and all over the living room. I'm still finding it today.

So I called 911 and they caught him and if I filed charged he wold have been charged with a felony. I just didn't feel comfortable with that because I have gotten in trouble in the past and I have always said since then that you don't call the police for someone who is mentally ill. So I just had him taken to a psychiatric ward.

I don't know what to do now. I feel disgust toward him. I feel like I am the one with a hangover. But all his stuff is here and I know he has no where to go except a homeless shelter. So I was thinking that if he wanted to come back I would present these conditions.

1. He had to turn his debit card over to me so he can't pull that crap about not having money and the going to the bank and getting everything he needed to drink.
2. I talk to his doctor, find out his diagnosis, what is his treatment plan and give him his medications, (oh he would
lie to me and tell me he was only an alcoholic and he would not take him medication as prescribed.
3. Take his money out to pay the window.

And that is it. If he doesn't agree to these stipulations he can go to a home.

What do you think?

[elleng]

1. This may be his 'bottom,'

so take advantage by confronting him, he MUST STOP drinking, attend AA (or similar program,) and get out of your life until repairs are well along,

May sound severe, but I spent a good part of my life similarly connected. Get yourself out, and get him on the road to health.

[Maraya1969]

3. I guess I kind of feel the because this has been his life for so long that he will not be able to

get well in that situation. Maybe that is me just lying to m myself or playing God or something. I don't know. But I feel real nervous putting him back on the streets.

[elleng]

4. Listen to what Tobin said,

please.

[Tobin S.]

2. You are too kind Maraya. Literally.

I would not talk to this guy until he could prove he was sober, and he would never be my significant other again, no matter what.

He sounds like he has a lot of work to do before he has his act together. I would cut him out of my life totally if I were you. Get a restraining order if you have to and enforce it if he violates it.

I'm saying this as someone who really does have bipolar disorder.

[LiberalEsto]

6. +1

You've raised excellent points, Tobin.

[enough]

5. No more conditions, no more negotiations, no more agreements.

None of those will have any true meaning as long as he is untreated bipolar or an active alcoholic. He has to be 100 percent OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

He has to deal with himself, heal himself, sober himself, with no help from you. Doing that will be extremely difficult for him, and it may not happen. But as long as he's counting on you to participate in any way, it will definitely not happen, and he will bring you down with him.

You have to let go of him completely.

[HereSince1628]

7. Job one would seem to be protecting yourself...physically, economically, and emotionally

If you were taking on a remodelling rehab project on a house, you'd want expert, experienced advice.

You are talking about taking on a human rehabilitation project...you should get expert experienced advice, that includes understanding whether the outcome you seek is reasonable based on what the cost of the project could be.

[AnotherMcIntosh]

8. "If he doesn't agree to ..." Tell him to leave you alone. Now. Not later.

Do it without hesitation and without regret.

[Maraya1969]

9. Thank yo all for the great information and help. I've decided to pack his things in the car and

bring them to him at the place he is staying and maybe writ sta letter. I also might get a restraining order but I don't think it will be necessary as he has a lot of pride when it comes to women and I don't think he would show his face after being dumped.

Thanks again. You all really helped me.

[otherone]

10. what a horrible situation

I hope things have gotten better for you..

[moriah]

11. I don't know, the advice I gave to a guy who talked to me after group while IP...

.... had his version of a story that could have fit yours (he said he "got into it with her" and that he "didn't put his hands on her or anything&quot . He said he'd been clean a long time until his doctors prescribed him Ativan, and it triggered his addiction. He also claimed she took $400 out of his debit card, but with addicts money going missing means they blame anyone but themselves.... They have a child, too.

Wondered how I could tell him how to fix things.

I said "You really can't. It's up to her. The only thing you can do is work the steps, and when you're at the step where you are trying to make amends, tell her that you are sorry for hurting her emotionally, for letting your anger show, and for hurting their child by not being able to be a good Dad while he was high. Say that you can't expect her to take you at your word, all you ask is that if she might consider watching and waiting and seeing if you actually do change this time."

[Feral Child]

12. Co-Dependency

From WIKI:

"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another."



You absolutely need to break away. You can not fix this person and need to take care of yourself. This isn't a moral judgment; the man is sick and he's making you sick. Seriously, he repaid your kindness by heaving a brick at your house: would you have imagined yourself tolerating that behavior before you met this guy?

I don't mean to sound mean, but you're enabling his behavior by helping him survive; he will never actually commit to any treatment for his disease whilst you continue to support him. The best thing you can do for him (and the essential thing you must do for yourself) is to cut ties and let him fall hard enough he seeks help. In the jargon, he has to "hit bottom".

PLEASE: You need to go to an "open" AA meeting (one that allows non-alcoholics to participate) and soak up some knowledge. You'll meet caring, knowledgeable people that will be most willing to educate you and help.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss this privately.