opened my mouth when i shouldn't have (and maybe i'm off base in my perceptions)

[fizzgig]

i'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut, but sometimes it's just too much to ask of myself.

over the last few months or so, he's slipped back into the darkness. no interest in food, won't leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary, combativeness, sleep disruption, withdrawing from friends and family, sadness, anger, wishing for death.

i know what it looks like to me, i know what it looks like to other people who know him, but i'm not ever allowed to even suggest it. i get yelled at for even bringing it up.

right as we met, he blacked out while riding his bike and went face-first into the back of a parked car (yeah, he was drunk). smashed the shit out of himself and never went to the hospital. now he thinks (and not necessarily wrongly so) that his behavior and mood stem from a brain injury rather than a mental illness. but he won't even acknowledge that that dirty 'd' word might be a symptom of that injury, even implying that it might even exist in him results in more anger.

and i've been supportive of him. i've told him that i agree it's a possibility. i found the doc and made the appointment. i have never once poo-pooed the idea.

he says he gets angry at the mention of the 'd' word because it's because he has a brain injury, he has something physiologically wrong with him (you can guess what i say in response to that and how he reacts). but that anger existence before the tbi came into play and i pointed that out to him tonight. i asked him why he'd rather have a brain injury than be depressed. i asked him what was so awful about being depressed that it was worth meeting it with anger.

and, of course, i was met with more anger. and, of course, it was my own damn fault. but i'm at such a loss right now, it makes no sense to me. but it's not up to me to understand, it's up to me to deal with it, to do what i can for him and us (gotta start shopping for someone for us to see).

and i'm trying, i'm trying my damnedest. i know that it's not been a picnic for him lately, but i've cried more in the last two weeks than i have in the last six months. i have put up with a lot of bullshit and there's that part of me that feels i'm owed an explanation.

and i feel like i'm running out of people to talk to, my friends and family have all heard this story from me many times. that's why i'm here to word vomit. i know, it's totally a tldr, but i had to get it out. that's why i love you guys.

[mzteris]

1. You sound like

You know what you're talking about.

You. Know.

You also probably know, but don't want to admit or explore, how this affects you. Why you're - still- there.

I suspect you know all about how and why you got involved in this in the first place. You say straight up how/when you met.

WHY? WHY? WHY...

Not him. You. Why did you get involved. Why do you stay involved. You know where it's going.

I know. I sound heartless, but I'm not really. I care about you. He obviously is not going to or willing to consider change... At this time. Maybe some other time. Some other major event. Not anything you say or do or hope or cry or pray for. You know this. You do. As hard as it may be to walk away, you owe it to yourself. You. You matter. You can't make people change. They have to want to change.

You want to give him one more chance, but you have to tell him, doc or door. His response tells you if you're important enough for him to take any responsibility for his own actions. You can't make him well. You can't make it better. You can make yourself crazy and take yourself back into depression, or sublimate or any other coping mechanism your mind has designed over the years.

In the end, it's his mental health. Or yours. If he's not willing to do anything about his, you must attend to yourself. And seriously, am I saying anything you don't already know?

[fizzgig]

3. there's a good man under there

and i've met him and i want him back. but the years of whatever is starting to wear on me and i'm wondering whether i'm working for anything that's attainable.

there is the pride side of me that won't let me walk away from things. there's that human side of me that doesn't want to give up on someone i love. i have asked myself over and over why i keep trying and there are times that none of the answers sit right, but i still have a vested interest in this.

i really did get freudian and marry my whole damn family when i married him, there is a boatload of shit that i decided needed to be worked out all in one go. but i have found strength i never knew i had, i have learned a lot about myself and i have learned a lot about how to deal with other people. as bad as things have gotten, the times have been equally as good.

but we are getting toward the end of the game. i will see this particular part through to the end, and, if things play out the way i think they will, he either addresses the issue or i really have to be done.

whatever happens, though, i have learned lessons that needed learned.

[mopinko]

4. i could give you the same advice

but i know that i would be speaking more about myself than about you.

but i will tell you this- i am a whole lot lighter just dealing with my own issues.
he accused me the other day of not being able to take the good with the bad. i am ready to take the good with the good for a change. i have had enough of his bad. he is not going to change.

(((((:hug )))) honey. not too long. always here.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. You can ALWAYS talk to us, my dear fizzgig...

You must not ever worry about that. We are here for you.

And I think mzteris is right on......

[elleng]

5. Find a doc/counselor and let him/her deal with it all,

that's the best/only solution I have for you. Whether it 'works' or not, you will at least have done something. That was always my best 'first' response, do SOMETHING.

and what caused what is, at the moment, not important. Get a pro to figure out how to address it all.

[mopinko]

6. i agree with this advice.

mine just tried to drag me into therapy, i will go if you will go. i told him to drop dead. he has to do it for himself. and if he is reinforced in the idea that it is both of you, he has a cozy place to hide.

[elleng]

7. Right, and I went into 'therapy'

at mine's prodding 35+ years ago.

I was subject continually to his emotional abuse, and only while suing him (for proceeds of sale of OUR house, which he essentially stole from me) and my attorney said to me, in an AhA moment, 'He's a sociopath,' was I able to release myself from the emotional torture.

[angstlessk]

8. DAMN you sent me here...and it seems you are dealing with a simlar

situation..love/hate ..... you love and he hates

[fizzgig]

9. it's hard to deal with the anger

it's a lot better in both of us now that we don't drink much anymore, but it still rears its head. anger is easy, managing it in an appropriate and healthy way isn't always so.