Messy stuff.

[hunter]

I'm in a place where I don't entirely trust my decisions. A little bit has leaked here onto DU. I say what I think and then later feel the need to claw it back, or at least apologize, but it's a bit worse in my "real" life.

The wretched thing is my body armor seems fully intact so I feel a disconnected.

Onwards, damn the bullets! Then later I trip over the self-doubt or the recognition that I've hurt someone. My dream life is haunted. I don't sleep well.

Yes, I know this is normal human stuff, but the "invisible life" is always calling me. Quit my meds, wander away and vanish into the invisible dumpster-diving darkness.

Our U.S.A. culture seems much harsher now in some ways. I'm pretty sure I'd never have been readmitted to university (twice!) in today's world, I wouldn't have taught science in public schools, I wouldn't have met my wife, wouldn't have children.

I also might have missed out on my experiences as a furniture mover, loading and unloading trucks in warehouses, or living in a car in a church parking lot, and a few edge-of-life extremes.

Sigh. Feelings like this, I muddle through.

On the other hand, if I hadn't experienced dark times, then I'd be someone else, and I'm not sure I'd have liked that person.

[fizzgig]

1. my "inside" shit has been leaking out a bit lately

and i sometimes feel that call of throwing it all out and "vanishing." things do seem harsher now, less forgiving, less supportive.

but, as you said, we'd be someone else had we not experienced our own darknesses and that person may not be any better than who we are.

peace and low stress, friend

[mopinko]

2. yeah

i'm in a real good place at the moment, but that call can be so loud.
my marriage is breaking up, the saddest thing is that now that the weight has lifted, things seems so much clearer. i really think hubby is borderline. things that felt hurtful and mean now i kinda can see hurting him. i think he loves me the best he can. the sweet times were so delicious. his urge does not make him happy. it makes him miserable. prolly gonna ruin his old age, too.

i saw this side of him very early, and fought it, and saw it differently through the years. but i never really put it up there with the place that my depressions put me. for that matter, i didn't put my depression in it's place.
it all seems so real. except when it isnt .

but in the end, yeah, i ended up in a good place. so, what would i change? hard to say.

[siligut]

3. There is an oppressive atmosphere being created here in the U.S. now

'Individuality is bad, creativity is bad, thinking for yourself is bad. You must conform if you want to get a degree or a job.'

Of course it isn't true, but the media is subtly pushing the message that it is, you might be picking-up on that. Is this Spring weather making you hypo-manic?

I sure hope you are making an effort to get plenty of B vitamins. I find listening to relaxation CDs at bedtime, help me get great sleep.