how is everybody?

[mopinko]

i'm mostly doing ok. trying not to sink into the sadness of the waste of it all.
but mostly just really glad that the winter is over. even tho i am stuck inside for the most part right now, sunshine and open windows lighten the load.
getting ready to plant, and to have a big seedling sale. i could be moving faster, but i am moving in the right direction.

what a waste, tho. people trying to live their lives with a broken brain. the frustration boils over and love turns to hate.
and you just dont figure it out until you see the carnage.

at least he has finally moved out. these last 2 month were longer than any i can remember. he was so irrational. i stopped trying to be kind to him, as it just confused the hell out of him. just kept my head down and kept my mouth closed as best as i could.
i do miss him. we had such amazing times. went so many places. saw so many things. tasted so many foods.
and made such incredible children.

at least i am firmly on my path forward. and it is full of joy. dogs, chickens, birds. fresh eggs and sprouting plants. wild crows and kid fans, stopping to feed the ladies. and peace with many people who got caught in the web of it all.

no choice but forward. on a lonely road.

how are all of you doing these days?

[elleng]

1. OK, mop,

watching neighborhood Osprey waiting for their babies,



awaiting my 2d grandbaby, but saddened and frustrated too often due to older daughter's broken brain (as you say,) resulting in love turning to hate.

[LiberalLoner]

2. You both sound like such strong ladies.

I hope for happiness for you both.

[elleng]

3. Thanks, Loner.

[mopinko]

4. thanks loner, tho you cant see my knees knocking.

i really credit good meds and good medical treatment of pain and fatigue that really kept me mired in bs.
i think these things break apart when one partner gets better. it really was demanding that he either get help or get a grip that cracked it. he admitted that he knew something was wrong, but he couldnt use that information. the more i pushed it, the more he fell apart.

we had such a nice retirement planned. sigh.
really hope he find some peace.

and yeah, eg is an inspiration.

[LiberalLoner]

5. Pain and fatigue cause so much misery. I have the opinion that it's not

Really possible to be happy, when you are in pain or dead tired. You can fake it and look good to observers, but inside, it feels like a death march, just trying to endure one more day.

I'm glad you are feeling better now, with help from doctors.

I've had some problems with pain and devastating fatigue, over the past 14 years. It was such a relief to be diagnosed with MS a year ago. Before that, I was trying so hard to be normal in spite of what I was feeling, and often didn't feel well because I was pushing myself too hard. Having a diagnosis in hand allows me to be a little more gentle towards myself.

If we had a truly civilized society, we would allow naps mid-day as a matter of course.

I'm sorry for your loss of the relationship and retirement plans. I hope so much what comes next in your life will ease the loss and bring you sustained peace and joy.

[mopinko]

6. peace and joy is the plan

do have a such a great life.

(and just fyi- i am sleeping better because, for several reasons, including stress, i started smoking a lot more mj. hit therapeutic dose. i think i am having small seizures that are ruining my rem sleep. fatigue and pain do, indeed, feel like a death march.)

thanks again, and the best to you. ms is a tough one.

[hunter]

7. "ok and moving forward" is good. I'm in one of those zones where no good deed goes unpunished.

I guess I'm moving forward too, but the urge to isolate myself is strong. I'm not living in my car or on a relative's sofa yet, which I've done.)

It doesn't help that arthritis, asthma, and the usual shit are making me useless in the morning. I feel like the tin man in need of oil, lying in bed as the sun rises thinking, "damn this is going to hurt to get up," and knowing I should quickly dispose of the nightmares so they won't haunt me.

A handful of strong meds (of all sorts) and big mugs of coffee. My Breakfast of Champions.

Sometime in the afternoon I may feel like eating actual food but that feeling goes away around five o'clock.

I made myself a nice "sustainable environment" fish stew today. One of my "comfort" foods. It seems to be working.

[mopinko]

8. mornings suck for me too

kick start those lungs, hack hack hack
rotting intestines
bulging discs
yeah, noon at least.

i'm not doing that well at feeding myself. he used to do the cooking. he tried to keep that up for a while, but i was never adequately thankful.

the flip flops in the magnetic poles had me dizzy.
grateful for the peace. i have a really wonderful place.

so hard to know that that is what he is doing- closing in, isolating. tried so hard to reach through that, but damn if i know how. damn if it can be done.

hunter, i know there is someone there wishing they could reach through to you.
reach back if you can.

take care of yourself no matter what.
i care.