It's a day I have to crush somebody. Talk me down, please.

[hunter]

Okay, I lied for the catchy thread title, I won't crush anyone.

I'll be "nice." Positive. Optimistic. It's all good. A better world with less misfit. That's all it is. Misfit. Misadventure. Accident. Ordinary random shit.

But the suicide-bomber-berserker gene is strong in me, even as I claim to be a gentle soul.

How can this be?

Is it correct if I attribute these horrors to our broken society rather than myself? Am I shedding some personal responsibility?

My oldest kid got a job as a hiring-and-firing-supervisor young. My wife has one of earth's ultimate extreme terror supervisor/educator/blood-and-guts-people-die hardcore medical supervisor jobs.

So what's my problem? I used to work in a blood bank. I never screwed up, I never let anything get past me if I had any doubts.

I'm not so certain today, probably because the stakes are smaller.

I'm in my Dr. Who, "I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing" place and I'm thinking "homeless guy living in his car in a church parking lot" would be a much more comfortable gig.

Some kind of crisis of faith, I'm sure.

Maybe all I need is a hug, but I'm an autistic spectrum fellow who doesn't like to be touched, near Star Trek Vulcan in that respect.

[polly7]

1. Take some deep, calming breaths, Hunter.

I don't think you're wrong at all to attribute those horrors to society .... it's overwhelming at times how cruel we can be to one another. Trying to make sense of it all in your head means you care ... maybe too much (I never thought that was possible before the last few years, but I'm trying to justify it to myself now.) I went to see my doctor yesterday because my anxiety was getting bad .... it does that when I see all the shit in the world I have no control over, especially wars and conflict that affect so many innocents. It makes my blood boil ... but I'm helpless.

My doctor actually sang to me. About God, and then went on about what a good, strong person I am. Which is ironic as I don't believe much of that at all anymore. He talked of being lucky that I wake up every morning, etc. etc. etc. Which was not exactly what I wanted to hear, however true it might be for most people. It's so easy to lose faith in the goodness of life and people, very hard to get it back. How about a virtual hug? I know how hard it is some days ... I hope things improve for you soon.

[mopinko]

2. music.

steve earle is personally responsible for my and my loved one's continued existence in this plane. i have 10 albums, so it is a real long shuffle. and he has a song for everything. including just singing out loud, and not giving a shit who hears you. (i actually put the cans on and sing, and dance walk around my farm to keep people away.)
and dancing. so many songs you just have to feel.

i just know when i am lost in that shuffle that the perfect song is coming up. sometimes there is a particular song that i want to hear, then while i am waiting for it, the perfect song comes up.

and here is a nice safe cyberhug-

live long and prosper.
you are among friends. pm if you need me.

[De Leonist]

3. The music, your friend it is.

First listen to this

Yes it will make you angrier. But here's what you do to fix that. Get up and jump around. Shout, shadow box or something else that brings your emotions forward but without hurting anybody. Try to give it every thing you've got. What you need is catharsis right now. It probably won't be a full catharsis. But as one fellow Autie to another trust me it's better than trying to deal with all those of emotions the rest of day.

Next

listen to this

It will be a good come down song. The music is flowing and emotionally renewing.

If you already engage in such coping mechanisms and they haven't worked than I'm afraid I can offer no other help aside from an open ear and heart.

[mopinko]

4. it occurred to me the other day-

revenge fantasies come so easily to me, and they can get so rich when i am faced with an idiot in a different reality, that i should just write some crime novels.

i stopped doing visual art a couple years ago, and am cranking up to do more writing.
i think it would just be so easy to dash them off. the nice little old granny gets hassled by jerks. the jerks commit far higher crimes than the granny, who, after all, committed none.
so she has to get even using her guile, and the invisibility of an old woman.

she could avenge the death of kitties, and stick up for abused kids.

see, easy.
writing is where i go when i CANT let go.
too often i send off those writings.
but you should see the draft box on my email.

take care honey.