When suicide is used as a threat

[rox63]

I suspect this might cause some controversy here, but I need to discuss it with others who might possibly understand. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I have had suicidal thoughts at times, although not recently. Years of therapy and medication have helped me. I grew up with a family member who would threaten to kill herself in order to manipulate others into giving her what she wanted. So when I have heard others say they were thinking of killing themselves, sometimes my first reaction is that of feeling threatened. I know that this is my own baggage, and does not reflect on the other person who is suffering enough to consider taking their own lives.

A bit of background: I grew up in an extended family - Mother, father, brother, grandmother, great aunt and great uncle. I am certain there was a lot of undiagnosed mental illness in the family. At least 3 of those family members (Dad, grandmother and great uncle) had substance abuse problems. Because of my Dad's alcoholism and inability to keep a job, my nuclear family (mother, father, brother and myself) could not survive financially without living with the older relatives. The older relatives probably could not have survived financially on their own either, with only one of them able to work, and the rest on social security.

My grandmother always disapproved of my parents' marriage, and kept trying to split them up. She always thought my Mom was not good enough for her son. She (grandmother) was the one who would threaten suicide if she did not get her way. Sometimes she would threaten to kill the rest of us by turning on the gas as we all slept. She would go on weeks-long hunger strikes in protest to some minor domestic decision my parents made that she didn't like. These decisions included things like buying a new kitchen appliance, or agreeing with doctors that one of the kids needed to have minor surgery. I was just a child, but I was led to believe that if I did not find a way to prevent her from doing as she threatened, it would be my fault if she or anyone else died as a result. This went on for years, until I reached age 11 or 12, when it dawned on me that she never actually did go through with any of these threats. I think this situation may have been the origin of my PTSD. She lived with my family from the day I was born until she died, shortly before I moved out at age 21. I grew up desperately wanting to fix these things, unaware until much later that it was never possible for me to do so.

All of this stress at such a young age affects how the brain develops. I am somewhat certain that this, along with the genetics of such a screwed up family, led to my own mental illness. Hearing of Robin Williams' suicide triggered me pretty badly this week. I had a good friend who was suicidal a few years back. The thing that kept me from reacting in a way that would be hurtful rather than helpful was my sadness at the thought of losing my best friend. I was able to give her a safe place to stay, and help her come back from the edge.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. But I felt the need to bring it up in a forum where there might be some understanding, rather than the shame I have felt about this over the years.

~Rox

[libodem]

1. Looks like you got up early

And poured your heart out to us. I can't let your effort go unacknowledged. That was a feat of emotional strength to share your life experiences so fearlessly.

My mom used to threaten quite regularly. My dad made a very serious attempt when I was around 10. My mom was finally going to divorce him and he drank poison. He was in the hospital a while and he lost the use of one kidney over it. It left an impression.

I tried when the kids were pretty little. Now, I can't imagine what I was thinking and what if I had succeeded? It seems so shortsighted and selfish.

OTOH, more to what you are discussing, using the threat as a manipulation, it's a dangerous racket. I've had to leave relationships with that hanging over my head as a threat. It is heart rendering. You sort of have to decide me or them? I had to decide to save myself.

[rox63]

2. Thank you for your acknowledgement

It truly did scar me for life. I do my best to be helpful and supportive of people who are suffering. But my gut reaction (which I usually manage to keep to myself) is that of imminent threat, and the 'fight or flight' urge. My grandmother kept on threatening after I reached an age where I no longer felt she would actually do it. The thing that broke her spell on me was when I was 12, and she threatened to do herself in over my parents and my decision that I would have outpatient surgery that could cure my bedwetting problem. She would rant that the surgery would steal my virginity, and would threaten to walk into the canal and kill herself if we went through with it.

As I said, I know this feeling is based on my own baggage. Intellectually, I get it. But the gut emotional reaction can be tough to deal with.

~Rox

[mopinko]

3. that's a big ole bag of yuck.

growing up in contention does, indeed, affect the brain.
my stbx grew up in similar, tho not as bad, circumstances. after 32 years of the most unconditional love i could muster, and he could never access it. could never trust me.

i would say when it comes up, be honest. there may very well be some deep common ground under that fear and pain.

keep on keepin on.

[rox63]

5. Yep, lots of yuck back then

I am usually afraid to hurt the other person in pain with my own pain. My instinct to help and try to fix things runs smack into the fight-or-flight urge.

[hunter]

4. It's sad how we often don't figure out these sorts of childhood traumas until we are adults.

My childhood family tended more to violence. My great-grandma was more skilled with a knife than anyone else I've ever met and sometimes she'd be holding a knife in a threatening manner when she was angry.

I can picture her responding to threats of suicide by saying, "The hell you will, I'll kill you first!"

My great grandmothers were fiery tempered women of the wild west. I don't pretend that was a good thing, it just added another dimension to the dysfunction of their families. Her daughter, my grandma, was a mess.

[rox63]

6. The physical violence in my household was minimal

My father sometimes used to strike out at my brother, who would goad him when he was drunk. My mother used to hit us a bit. But I think it mostly stemmed from her own problems managing anger at her situation. No one was ever seriously injured from this. But the emotional/psychological abuse was rampant. I try to remember that each of these people was damaged in their own way. But it sucked being on the other end of their abuse.

[angstlessk]

7. When I was 13 I cut my wrists...and thought I would die

my sister broke down the door while my mother said..all she wants is attention...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ATTENTION?

[rox63]

8. This is not what my grandmother was doing

My brother also tried to commit suicide, by taking an overdose of pills. That was his cry for help, and thank goodness, he was not successful. He was hospitalized, which was what needed to happen. My grandmother used her threats to manipulate people into getting what she wanted. She never intended to go through with her threats. She just wanted us to think she was serious about it.