feedback sought

[steve2470]

Yes, I'm already undergoing therapy and take meds, so those bases are covered.

How does one overcome a "thin skin" ? Or, more to the point, how did YOU overcome one ?

Thin skin = excessive negative emotional reaction to perceived criticism and harshness

Trust me, I've heard ALL the standard advice. I could recite it all by rote. It's not simply faulty conscious thinking, although that can be part of it.

At any rate, hopefully this will help a few lurkers and a few regulars here, besides myself.

Best wishes to all MHS and DU.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. How did I get over having a thin skin?

I didn't.

I still am very thin-skinned. I try to avoid situations where it might be an issue, and I surround myself with people who love and care about me.

It doesn't always work.

Mostly I'm OK, but now and then I get really really DOWN and then I hide, till I feel better. I am basically an optimist and this helps.

Good Luck.

[steve2470]

3. thanks and hugs

It's kinda funny, Peggy, DU at times is absolutely the WORST place for one lacking a rhinoceros skin. So, I just avoid those forums and places. No good will come out of my typing anything, none at all for anyone.

Best wishes to you.

[auntAgonist]

17. This surprises me Peggy. You are one person I would describe as self confident, self assured and

definitely not thin skinned at all.

I am thin skinned. I tend to take things personally and assume they 'must' be talking about me ...

By times I just don't know how to deal with it. In being thin skinned it also happens that I'm an over-thinker.
When someone comments to me positive or negative I think it over and over and over sometimes for days and come to the conclusion that the comment was critical and the person who made the comment really doesn't like me.

It's hard to turn that around sometimes. I try.

Anyway, yup. Thin skinned describes me. I wouldn't us it to describe you though.

kesha

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. It's funny, but all the traits you use to describe yourself...

also fit me to a "T".

I am pretty good at projecting an air of self-confidence. And normally I feel the way I'm writing. But sometimes I feel very vulnerable, especially when someone is attacking me.

Then I usually retreat into silence. I hate feeling that way but it's hard to avoid. I do take things personally.

I appreciate your taking the time to talk to me, kesha.

Thank you!

[In_The_Wind]

2. At first I cried a lot then I started to think: it's not about me.

It's about the bullies being unhappy with their lives and trying to take me down to where they are.

[steve2470]

4. thanks and hugs nt

[retrowire]

5. I was born with no shame.

Later on I developed an emotional apathy that can sometimes be debilitating.

Sorry I'm of no help.

[steve2470]

10. thanks :) nt

[mopinko]

6. it's hard.

my skin kinda toughened up when i got on the right meds, and got divorced from the person who constantly wore away my skin.

in some shit now over my farm. again. i have mostly been able to not take it too personally because i know that neighbor troubles are SUCH a common problem. got a semi-public meeting coming up this week, tho, and hoping i dont get flailed too badly. several long relationships on the rocks over it, and i think being in the same room with all of them is gonna suck.

[steve2470]

9. thanks

[HereSince1628]

7. Are you concerned about being reactive because it causes behavioral problems

or are you concerned simply because you are emotionally reactive?

The behavioral thing can be addressed through skills training

My BPD makes me very aware of negative communication sent my way, and it usually causes a negative emotional reaction. It's rather like having a very sensitive sensory organ just to detect threats.

Your feelings may really bother you, but honestly, the people in the world outside your skin don't much care about your feelings, they care about your behavior. Mess in that arena because you were reactive and then you can have social problems.

I'm better at regulating behavior than I once was, although when these things happen with people I try to be close to I have much more trouble with that. It's exactly the -wrong- group to engage in a strong reaction, which is, in the end, why I can count my friends on the thumb of one hand.

So, I do best being superficial in interactions while regularly reassuring myself that things like random acts of wise-ass are in fact random acts of wise-ass aimed not at me but at making the other person feel clever, and that I don't need to care about such people and their comments.

And not all bad behavior is about strong locomotor reactions. One day years ago, a neighbor made what was mostly a smart-ass but imo an insulting comment on my getting a hair cut and I put him on my cognitive "ignore" list. He stayed that way for years, and would have been there for even longer but he died.

[steve2470]

8. only hurt feelings, and thanks nt

[nadine_mn]

11. I try to tell myself what I "hear" vs what a person actually says

Aren't always the same thing. My mom was/is extremely emotionally abusive and criticized everything I did. As a result, I over react to every criticism real or imagined and this has become a huge issue in my life.

A recent example, I submitted my resume for review to look see how to improve it (Monster.com). I got back normal, healthy constructve criticism: change format, shorten it, use more action words..stuff I know are legitimate things to work on. At least my brain gets that. But my emotional side went into a deep spiral of negativity. All I "heard" from the criticism was that I am a horrible person who can't do anything right.

I try to talk to myself and explain that this person has no idea who I am, therefore cannot possibly be judging me personally. I tell myself that I am reacting to past hurt that has nothing to do with current reality.

It's very frustrating...cognitively I know there is no reason to be hurt, but emotionally I am struggling. The whole therapeutic process of knowing you can't change how you feel, but you can change how your behavior in reaction to it... I get it. But I still feel hurt

[steve2470]

12. thank you

[FigTree]

13. Humor.

Make fun of yourself publicly. Once you hit your core yourself, no one else can.

[steve2470]

14. thank you kind sir! nt

[retrowire]

15. You don't want my advice!

Hate everyone!

My boss being a dick? Fuck him!

Drivers on the road being assholes? Eh they'll all die someday so HA!

Wife being upset? Internalize it and hate myself because I love her too much! But also be angry and make things worse!

Hopefully this has helped you know what not to do.

[steve2470]

16. ........