What to do about a drunk husband who continues to threaten your life?

[angstlessk]

This discussion thread was locked by mopinko (a host of the Mental Health Support group).

When he is sober he is fine...but when he drinks, which has become too often, he hates me and often threatens to kill me?

I don't believe he will, but what can I do?

[angstlessk]

1. I have recorded his threats, but I really am dependent on him

[PearliePoo2]

50. How did you record his threats exactly? With what device?

If he watches over you, how are you on-line and not being watched?

[angstlessk]

58. My laptop has a mic that records outside voices

Is there anyway to bring it here?

[eShirl]

2. Leave.

[angstlessk]

7. And go where? I cannot leave while he's in the house

he only goes out when he is sober and not angry our a threat

[elleng]

17. Call the cops when he's 'misbehaving,' have them take him into custody,

and then leave; that's what I did. (Assuming 'confrontation' doesn't work.)

EDIT: reading further on, develop a strategy, via help from various agencies suggested here, and get out. (and tell the cops he 'made' you order 2 more axes.)

[angstlessk]

3. I am basically home bound...if he leaves, or I have nowhere to go..I cannot take care of myself?

[marylandblue]

9. Why are you homebound?

[angstlessk]

11. I am old, and going down the stairs has become a problem

I used to climb without a problem...but he basically held me and my friend captive ..she escaped cause her daughter was urging her..I am alone

[procon]

15. Contact a woman's shelter, they will help you find an exit plan.

Also contact adult protective services.
Contact the police protection and for access to shelter services.
Contact public assistance. Emergency help is available.
If you are disabled you should already be on SDI and be eligible for medicaid as well.

[angstlessk]

20. I am on Social Security...and I guess Medicare?

[elleng]

23. Medicare depending on age, medicAID depending on ability and circumstances.

[procon]

29. That's really good, see, you have some escape money.

You should also be on state medicaid as well, if not, then contact them tomorrow. If your SS check isn't already going into your separate bank account, you'll need to do that tomorrow, too. You might consider using your debit card to get a motel room for a couple of days. You'll be safe while you find out what you're options are and decide where you'd like to go.

[JNelson6563]

21. Excellent advice.

There is help but it can be a big step.

[angstlessk]

27. I have to be careful because he looks over my shoulder...and I do not have a phone of my own

My friend escaped because she had her own phone..I only have the internet.

[procon]

30. Tracfone. Cheap. No contract. Walmart: less than $20 and you're set.

The internet will allow you to contact any state or federal agency. Slower than a phone, but you can still communicate and get help until you can buy a cheap phone of you own.

[angstlessk]

31. I am home bound, and he collects all things sent to the house.

[procon]

33. If you're being held prisoner, all the more reason to act urgently and get out.

Call 911. Tell them you are disabled, elderly and being abused and held against your will. Tell them you are afraid for your life and that you need help.

I'm serious. Remember, you have been a victim for so long you are not thinking clearly anymore. You can save yourself this minute. Get the phone and call 911. Even if the call is interrupted the police will be on their way. Do it. Don't try to stew about it, just get out.

[bettyellen]

53. Then you need to make contact w the police and shelter groups via email... and figure out how to

Hide the links and files when you're doing this. Make a plan to get them keys somehow and list what you need to get together to escape with- and make sure you get your check somewhere he cannot get it it and also valuables and ID and laptop sort of clustered w a list and a bag or two big enough to fill and get out at a moments notice.
You'll need to have a helper on call waiting for an email and a way for them to get in quickly and help you get out.

[angstlessk]

63. Never thought about that...was going to leave with the clothes on my back

but I DO need my laptop!

[bettyellen]

67. Make a list and a plan and hide them. IDs, whatever banking and credit stuff and whatever can fit in

Two suitcases. Start storing them together in a few locations your drawers so you can pack up one two three.
Reach out to someone at a shelter and make a plan to get them in and help you out of there. Figure out his schedule and plan accordingly for when he leaves the house. Do you own the house together? If you do you may need to consult a lawyer if you can get any out of it.

[angstlessk]

68. There is so much stuff to tell..I have NO light in my room

I bought a lamp. still downstairs...anything I order that he does not want me to have remains downstairs..and I cannot go down and bring them up.

[bettyellen]

73. Well then you have to work w what you have NOW - the computer- start reaching out NOW

[mahina]

71. THIS

[JNelson6563]

4. Do you have any outside support?

Maybe a friend or family member?

[angstlessk]

5. No one, I abandoned my family years ago

[sharedvalues]

41. Siblings?

If you reach out to your siblings and say you need help, and apologize for your past, that can go a long way.

Especially if you're estranged from your family because of him. Send them an email and say "I made a huge mistake and I need help, please help me."

[angstlessk]

64. That IS a possibility...will have to think thids out...I would LOVE

to connect to my grandkids!

[sharedvalues]

74. I really hope it works out for you!

[WhiteTara]

6. Leave.

Make a plan and leave. You will survive and you will thrive in time, but to stay alive, you must leave.

[marylandblue]

8. Go to Al-Anon meetings for support

And get readt to leave. You'll need a place to go and a job. Lessen your dependence and go.

[procon]

10. Leave! Its the way and you know that already, yeah?

Been there... Done that. I tell you this; You'll feel a lot better after you get away and realize how far from a normal life that your abuser had dragged you.

[angstlessk]

13. How to go...where to go?

[procon]

24. See my reply #15 above.

Know that your abuser has made you believe that you are weak and powerless, that is how he controls you. But you are not! You are strong! Look at you, didn't you have the courage to reach out for help? You are going to be successful. Now get on the phone and fire up Google, and start assembling a list of your local contacts. Get ready, pack up your stuff. Every step you take from this moment on weakens his hold on you. You can do this, just like the millions of us who walked in your shoes, you can leave and take your life back.

[CatMor]

12. Leave

there are many organizations and shelters for abused women. Contact one of them and they will help.

[angstlessk]

16. I connected to one organization about him raising an ax over my head

they sent the cops...he went to jail for a day...he had me order two more axes when he got back, cause the police kept his.

[CatMor]

22. That's awful

when my sister was in a similar situation a shelter took her and her children in and protected her identity. I'm sure you can find one that will do the same.

[Warpy]

14. You need to leave ASAP. A belligerent drunk can turn violent at any time.

An old drunk once told me that the first sign he had that he was running into trouble was losing a wife. Addiction is a disease of denal, it's not alcohol, it's everybody else, especially you, who are causing all his problems.

If you need time to leave, make sure you've got the name and address of a local women's shelter close by at all times. Go to AlAnon, it's a group for family and friends of addicts. They're in the phone book. They saved my sanity and they can save yours.

Get your ducks in a row and good luck.

[angstlessk]

18. I cannot leave the house unless he is gone

I need to connect with someone to plan an escape when he goes to the store

[Warpy]

28. Elder services might be able to help you if you're over 60

Nobody should have to live in fear of a belligerent drunk.

[cwydro]

19. Please contact a women's shelter.

ASAP.

And get out.

[TEB]

25. Call police then is a local abuse shelter available the police will help you

They can give you information on abuse shelters you do not need this.

[Laffy Kat]

26. You have realized this is a terrible situation.

Start making a plan and hoard cash when possible even if it's five dollars at a time. What can you sell? Do you have a silver set? Ask yourself if this is the situation you want for the rest of your life. I know it seems hopeless but there is help out there.

[Hoyt]

32. Hoping you can take advice from these good people, some have been there. I know it's tough.

[angstlessk]

36. Tough is an understatement...but I am sure my life depends on it

but what is my future at such an old age?

[Hoyt]

39. Your future can't be worse than it is now. Who knows, Medicare will cover treatment for your husband

Maybe you'll meet another person in your position and can help each other. Maybe a reconciliation with family, somehow. But I doubt you can think clearly about your future where you are now. I know I'm just saying things without knowing/understanding the totality of your situation, so it time for more experienced and trained folks to jump in. I sure hope things work out and please keep posting here.

[Squinch]

76. Your future is to be a person who has enough resources to meet her needs, and who

can live a life in a new place with no one abusing her and with people helping her. Your future is so much brighter than you are seeing right now. When you get out, you will see that.

There is good advice in this thread and I can't add any more. They are right that you must get out, and it sounds like you already know that.

All I can say is I am pulling for you. You can do this.

Keep us posted, dear. We are wishing you well.

[angstlessk]

34. This post refuses to post

Does anyone know of a woman's shelter in Detroit?

[uppityperson]

38. Heres a link with some. Good luck, it's difficult to get out, but worth it

https://www.domesticshelters.org/detroit-mi-domestic-violence-help?page=1

[angstlessk]

46. Thank you! Not sure which one I called that got him arrested..

I called for tea and sympathy after he held the ax to my head, and they sent the police.,,They arrested him, and I was left feeding my friend and the cat and dog..but all the food was downstairs and I had trouble climbing stairs, especially with stuff in my hands.

I think the dogs ate beef stew, cause I didn't know where the dog food was.

[PearliePoo2]

75. You have dogs? What will happen to them when you leave?

Do you trust him to care for the animals or can you find a home or shelter for them so they're not abused also?
Think about the animals and make a plan for their escape also! Contact somebody and get advice please!

[jodymarie aimee]

35. I am a survivor of DA

and I am sorry, but I think this is a put on. It doesn't ring true..If she has time to write on blogs, she has time to do the stuff she must do. She can contact by EMAIL as well as telephone.

[angstlessk]

40. You think I am looking for attention? I have been here since it began and barely post

My sig other is now sleeping it off, and will awaken just as nice as can be, then drink a few more drinks and threaten my life

You survived domestic abuse...good for you, I have not survived it yet...

He was in jail for threatening me with an ax...then had me purchase 2 more axes when he got out...he was not angry...but that purchase told me all was not forgiven.

I am looking for an easy way out...you are correct...only, there is NO easy way out.

My friend cut her wrists to make him send her to the hospital, but she had her daughter to rescue her...she's now in Florida.

If I cut my wrists, it will be for good, not a prank!

[angstlessk]

56. Here is my history with this man

Once he had a chair over my neck and had he pressed it hard it would have killed me. once he had a pillow over my head, and I thought I was a gonner...

After that he would hit me in my chest...he never hit me in my face where it would show...then he just stopped hitting me?

I don't know why..maybe cause I was making money he could spend?

On Edit: Recently he has said he would like to kill me, cut me up and put me in the freezer...I expect so my Social Security continues into our joint account?

[chervilant]

59. You're way off base.

I've done advocacy for survivors of relationship violence for more than 35 years. Each survivor must find their own way to safety. It's unkind of you to project your experiences onto this survivor.

[angstlessk]

60. I will need to plan my escape carefully

I need to transfer my income...but he checks our accounts regularly..so it will have to be simultaneous...new account into which I get my money...at the same time I leave.

I want to leave him 1/2 of what is in savings...but I need to be careful that all transactions are done the day or the day before I leave.

I don't know if I should go to a hospital for agoraphobia or a woman's shelter?

[chervilant]

61. It sounds to me

like you're exploring your options.

One thing I routinely encourage survivors to do: keep a chronological journal. Record all his threats, and document all of your efforts to escape. Obviously, you can only do this if you have a secure place to hide your journal. Chronological journals become evidentiary, and Judges will often enter them into the record and make decisions that are more favorable to survivors.

[angstlessk]

62. I have tapes of his threats

[PearliePoo2]

37. He held an axe over your head and then made you order two more?

If you aren't making this up,( I don't think you are) then realize PLEASE, it's just a matter of time until he kills you in a drunken rage. A friend of mine was just killed by her drunk husband. He bashed her skull with a rifle barrel. Get your Social Security in a new bank account NOW. Secretly sell everything you can. Buy a cellphone with a pay as you go plan. Don't ever let him know your phone number. When you leave, do not EVER meet or see him again. Do not let him know where you are. Post updates here and best of luck to you! Do it...save your life.

[angstlessk]

42. Oh Gosh...I forgot..I can call from my laptop!

It has phone capabilities! I just need to call when he's gone...he leaves about once every two weeks to either buy whisky or groceries!

[PearliePoo2]

45. You don't have a landline phone at your house?

Wait a minute, he goes shopping only every two weeks for groceries and whiskey? What the hell do you eat and who does the cooking?

[angstlessk]

47. no cooking...cans of food only..I used to cook, he used to cook, now only canned food.

I bought a small refrigerator for upstairs, but he won't bring it up..He unplugged the big fridgr, downstairs for reasons unknown?

[procon]

57. Don't wait, call. Even if you get interrupted help will come. nt

[sharedvalues]

43. Make a resolution to do SOMETHING every day

Call a shelter
Send email to estranged family members
Create an anonymous email account that he can't track (using Private Browsing)
Call a domestic violence hotline
Set up Skype or Google Hangouts so you can make calls with your computer.


Take one positive step every day no matter how good he is. He will be good when he doesn't drink, bit you must keep your resolve.

[angstlessk]

69. I like that...maybe not as you say, but as I can

Yes a daily project that will lead to my escape!

[Kali]

44. you should quit stalling and get out of there

from 2014 - https://www.democraticunderground.com/10025745614 (the hidden subject line was "If no one will stop me, I will kill my sig other" )

you were given a list of possible resources then:

Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.bhpi.org/?id=116&sid=1

*If In Immediate Danger, CALL 911*



National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-SAFE (7233)
TTY - [phone]
www.thehotline.org/

First Step
[phone]
[phone]
www.firststep-mi.org/

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network)
(800) 656-HOPE (4673)
www.rainn.org

YWCA Interim House
Domestic Violence 24HR Crisis Hotline: [phone]
http://www.ywcadetroit.org/our_programs/domestic_violence_services/

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center
(866) USWOMEN (879-6636)
http://www.866uswomen.org

24-Hour Crisis/Information & Referral Line for Detroit, MI

A crisis hotline for mental health emergencies.
To speak with someone who can help, dial:
[phone]
or
[phone]

[marylandblue]

49. Wait, you haven't left your home for 11 years?

You may have agoraphobia. You'll need to deal with that first, so you can get your mind in a place to leave. If you can't call 911 and get yourself checked into a mental hospital.

[angstlessk]

54. Don't know if I'm afraid to, or just can't?

Will a mental hospital accept me on my call?

[marylandblue]

65. You need an assessment by a doctor, they'll probably take you

If not, the social worker at the hospital can help you with community resources like a women's shelter. But you do need to get out now.

[elleng]

72. Sounds like some form of 'depression.'

Do you have/do you know any medical personnel? Doctors etc? I know it's hard to do anything, with depression (MINE was result of feeling like being under my husband's thumb,) so try to find someone to discuss this with.

[cwydro]

78. Hmm.

Interesting.

Thanks for posting that Kali.

[shenmue]

48. Please get help

[procon]

51. angstlessk, here are some quick resources for you.

Notify the Michigan Department of Health & Human Services (DHS), Adult Protective Services.
Statewide 24-Hour Hotline: [phone]

Adult Protective Services
http://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-73971_7119_50647---,00.html

---

Detroit, MI Domestic Violence Programs

There are currently 5 domestic violence and abuse shelters and programs in Detroit, MI with 2 offering a hotline and 3 offering emergency shelter. Outside of this city and still nearby, you can also find help at these 19 domestic violence and abuse shelters and programs in places like Windsor, Warren, and Roseville. If you have questions, consider reading these domestic violence facts and statistics, our archive of 481 domestic violence articles, recommended books on domestic violence, or these insightful stories about domestic violence survivors.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/detroit-mi-domestic-violence-help?page=1

---

Michigan Disability Resources
http://www.michigan.gov/disabilityresources/

---


Michigan ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS
http://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-71547---,00.html

---

Aging & Adult Services Agency
We offer a variety of programs to protect, encourage independence and advocate for frail and vulnerable adults in Michigan. Our programs can assist you with independent living (home help), adult foster care and homes for the aged, adult protective services and support for those dealing with HIV/AIDS.

http://www.michigan.gov/osa/1,4635,7-234-64080---,00.html

and

http://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-73971_7122---,00.html

---

Michigan Department of Health and Human Services
Local Office Information Directory

https://mdhhs.michigan.gov/CompositeDirPub/CountyCompositeDirectory.aspx

---

[angstlessk]

52. What brought this all to a head...a kitten!

When sober he rescued a kitten..who lived with us for about a month...a real cute kitten, but after husband got drunk said kitty scratched his knee and drew blood...the kitten is now back outside with him wishing she gets run over.

He cannot love anything I realized...and in fact decided he only hooked up with me and later Linda to torture us. He says extremely cruel things and often threatened to kill both of us..now she's gone to Florida, and I am left.

[procon]

55. You have the internet... use it.

Detroit Police Department is on facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/detroitpolice/



also on twitter:
https://twitter.com/detroitpolice?lang=en



List of Detroit Police Precincts:
http://www.detroitmi.gov/How-Do-I/Find/Police-Precincts

[pandr32]

66. Is Linda family?

I do not know the circumstances of your estrangement with family, but it is common for a controlling partner to force isolation.
Having access to a computer might help you find family and old friends. They may be open to contact.

[mahina]

70. Run, honey.

Just go. Don't talk about it, don't go for counseling, pack up and run as far away as possible, preferably across the continent.

I am not kidding even a little bit. There's no reason to put up with someone threatening your life. I don't know how it is there but here, more women die from domestic violence than almost anything else after heart attacks. Run. Ask for help and go. Good luck.

/been there

[angstlessk]

77. He now brought in the kitty he kicked out AND her sister

H knows I will not abandon my pets, which kept me attached before...

Damn it! I love animals more than I do humans..maybe even myself?

[mopinko]

79. from this group sop-

what this group is NOT is a substitute for real life mental health care. we know it can be therapeutic to find people who can relate to you when you are suffering from a mental illness or emotional distress, and that’s why we are here. but no one here can be counted on to provide professional care.
if you are considering suicide, please go to the nearest emergency room immediately. if you don’t have the means to get there on your own, please dial 911. if you find yourself waiting for help, please dial 1-800-sui-cide.

this has gone too far. please call 911, and ask for help to get out.
i am locking this thread.