I'm tired of pretending not to be depressed

[nadine_mn]

By nature I am an optimistic, happy, jovial person - even in the worst of times, I find a silver lining. My husband is a realist with pessimistic tendencies - I have to point out the positive. It works - a lot of times he helps me find balance and I help him look at things with hope.

But, my humor and happy demeanor are also how I hide stuff and how I coped with living with a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder - I could never show negative emotion unless she wanted me to in case it reflected poorly on her.

So if I am not bubbly, everyone asks what's wrong (my whole life and I'm 45) - but they never really want to know what's wrong, they just want me to be the joker, the happy one in the group.

It has become so second nature to hide how I feel, I don't really know I am doing it - my therapy sessions (with a therapist I adore and who recognizes this) I joke around a lot because I don't want him to feel bad. Then I worried that maybe I wasn't healing or improving fast enough so I just start lying on those little depression intake sheets you fill out - worried that it would reflect poorly on his skills as a doctor that he couldn't fix me. When I finally told him that he was upset that I would worry more about that than myself.

When I was in group therapy, the few times I openly shared what I was feeling - other people started crying so I stopped that (not realizing it until later) and took a more dark humor approach to talk about stuff.

My depression is really bad right now - I am not actively suicidal, but at the point if a doctor told me I had a month to live I would be relieved. My husband is the sole provider to our little household of me, him our cat and dog. He is pretty stressed with work so I try not to let him know how bad things are. When I do - he gets upset, and the last thing I want is to add to his stress.

Our medical insurance is shitty and doesn't cover mental health visits so I haven't seen my therapist since May (at $250 a pop, on top of all our other bills, it just isn't feasible) and I know that is factoring in.

We lost our 16 yr old Black lab back in May, and sweet mother of Mary I am taking that way harder than expected.

I just want to be able to cry, to have bad days, to not smile every 5 minutes. So instead, I sleep - I sleep up to 20 hrs a day or play games, anything to not have to engage in with anyone.

I'm so tired - tired of struggling with depression, struggling with my weight, struggling with physical pain..and of course I feel like shit even mentioning any of this when there are millions of people in more need (the entire island of Puerto Rico).

I just needed to vent - to just say what's been on my mind for awhile.

I'll be ok, I'll cuddle my pets, I'll listen to some music maybe even putter in the kitchen. But right now I just needed to cry.

[Tobin S.]

1. Hey, nadine. Just because someone else might have it worse, that does not invalidate your pain.

You sound miserable to me. Acknowledge that misery to yourself. I'm not a very spiritual person, but I've heard an expression from spiritual types that I like that one of the best things you can do for everyone is work on yourself. When you try to heal yourself, all of humanity gets freer. It's a collective effort that we are all engaged in.

Where I live there are mental health clinics that only charge you based on your ability to pay. A lot of times it's done on a sliding scale. Is there a possibility that there might be something like that around you?

[Hayduke Bomgarte]

2. I feel for you

I'm in the same boat due to medical issues. I take a 10MG valium once a day just to keep the depression at a tolerable level.

[defacto7]

16. None of my business but be careful of valium.

It has been known to cause depression and is addictive. Maybe ask your Dr. about Lorazepam. Cheap, nonaddictive been around for years as Ativan and tends toward anti-depressive.

[Hayduke Bomgarte]

17. Yeah I know, but

As I told my Doctor, with all the medical stuff I've got going on, serious stuff BTW and chronic, that being addicted to valium is nowhere near the top of the list of my concerns. In fact it isn't even on the list. Something of what I got going on will kill me within a year or so, probably. I may as well feel good a little bit on the way out.



*ETA* Diazapam is actually what I take. Generic valium. My out of pocket expenses were met months ago. I haven't had so much as a $5 co payment since probably March, so my "valium" is free til the end of the year and I have to start over again.

[defacto7]

21. Well, serves me right for sticking my nose in.

Just when I think I know everything there is to know I find out there may be one or two things left that I don't.

I'll shut up now.

[leftofcool]

3. If you can not afford to see your therapist, see if there is a free group somewhere you can go to

Get up, get involved with some sort of volunteer work a couple of days a week. I know that won't help with depression but it will get you up and out of bed. Get up and go for a walk every single day. Even if you just walk around your house once, this will get you fresh air. Bundle up and do this in the winter as well, except don't walk on ice. If you are struggling with weight, don't diet. Diets don't work, eating healthy does. Just cutting out anything that is "white" will help with weight loss.....potatoes, bread, pasta etc... If you can afford to, get yourself a Hamilton Beach smoothie maker. Mine works great. Throw in a handful of chopped up kale or baby spinach (fresh), a banana, a few strawberries and a cup of unsweet cranberry juice or water and ice, make smoothie and drink. Twice per day.

[nadine_mn]

7. This is such good advice (echoes of my therapist)

I know it - I know it feels better to get out.

It's just - like a wall of crud blocking me. Once I physically step out of the house, I am ok. But getting to that point is so hard, it is honestly like a force pushing me back. It sounds so stupid, but I can't explain it.

I know I need to get out, I know I will feel better but I feel so stuck.

[delisen]

8. It doesn't sound stupid-everything you

written sound very real.

It is a symptom of depression and some other conditions.

Sometimes people describe a sense of the air being heavy like a wall.

If you have, for example, a thyroid condition it can feel like.

In the old days people used to talk about a lack of initiative, and considered it to be "just in the mind" as though all someone needs is a pep talk-but there are real processes going on inside our bodies that may be affecting us.

The election outcome has triggered a lot of depression in people.

[tymorial]

4. Nadine, it is OKAY to need help

I understand how you feel; worrying how your emotions will impact others... feeling like your needs must be secondary. I really get that, it is something that I struggle with too. With a home like ours growing up we looked for cues on how to act, how to feel, how to behave because we knew that our situation could change quickly. We became hypervigilant to the feelings and actions of others to the point that we can read a situation and a person extremely quickly. It is a survival mechanism. Not survival in a life or death sense but in emotional stability for ourselves. If we can prevent a situation or stop negativity quickly it is better for US. The down side is we internalize so much and it continues throughout our life.

Remember this, it is OKAY to have needs of our own. Sometimes we need to say fuck it and say it loud. Sometimes we need to vent and be honest with our emotions. That is why your therapist is there. He can take it! That is our job. To help you work through the feelings, anxiety, stress and find ways of managing all of those fears and bottled up emotion.

Are you afraid of being perceived as needing because there is nothing wrong with needing help.

[nadine_mn]

6. your point about hypervigilance to the feelings of others

really hits home - I was *trained* to put my mom's needs first all the time and it has just carried over to everywhere else.


It's not so much about seeing something wrong with needing help it's more - trying to find the way to say it. My mom drilled into my head every single day that I lived with her (17 yrs) and then nearly every contact with her, that I am "mean" (her favorite word) to her and that I am a bad person. She said it all the time - so I truly, truly believe it. So much so, that I cannot believe people are capable (except in very rare occasions - Hitler) of being meaner than I am. Like, clearly I am the worst so if I can't think of doing it, no one else could. Then of course, I am always stunned when I do encounter people who are truly just shitty. Like hearing Paul Ryan talk about how since college he wanted to get people off Medicare. I cannot comprehend it. It really fucks with my head.

So when I tell people how I feel, and they cry or get upset - it reinforces that belief that I am mean, that I am hurting them. Logically I know they are showing empathy...but then I can't understand why someone would want to empathize with a person as bad as me.

Oh I know reading it, it sounds so fucked up. I really need to credit my mom for the fantastic brainwashing she did because it is so hard to counter it.

[PennyK]

5. It's difficult

I'm experiencing depression (other than romantic breakups) for the first time, and I'm learning how crippling it can be.
I am at the end of breast cancer treatment -- I went through most of it without losing my mostly-cheerful usual state of mind, and now I seem to be in some sort of a spiral of sadness and anxiety. My PCP is trying to help me with an antidepressant, and it's starting to help.

Leftofcool's suggestions were very good. I realized that part of my sadness is not having things to do, feeling lost. I am getting out a little bit more and in combination with the Zoloft, it really does help.

One thing I started that can't hurt: get outside in the sun (if that's at all possible) for at least half an hour soon after getting up. SAD (seasonal affect disorder) is a real thing, and getting out in sunlight can help. I have a nice little patio, so I read and do some stretches out there.

Most of all, STOP putting yourself last.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

9. He finally made it into my dreams. - That is depressing too.

Wrote this on my Facebook page...

"The acorn is the seed of the mighty oak tree; therefore, it symbolizes potential and strength. ... The acorn is the youth of a mighty oak tree. This is also a Nordic and Celtic symbol of life, fertility, and immortality."

I had the strangest dream last night. Was wandering around the seamier side of NYC. There was a lot of money changing hands. I was observing all this from a ledge. There was some sort of game going on in a back alley like street craps played by men in suits. And the "marker" was an acorn. Suddenly the game became something else, the man who won a game was contemplating leaving the acorn and decided to pick it up, but just before he picked it up, Trump's big body's tiny hand grabbed it and pocketed it.

I think his appearance in my dream stunned me awake and that's where it ended. Gives me the shivers thinking about it. And that acorn seems very important in the light of day.

[nadine_mn]

10. Oh I am sorry that is depressing

I know just every day that man makes my depression worse on top of everything else

[hibbing]

11. Do the best you can

I'm going through a pretty crappy spot right now myself. I know the current resident in the White House isn't making things any easier.


Peace

[tiredtoo]

12. Just started reading The Alchemist

This phrase stuck with me.
"Don't forget everything you deal with is one thing and nothing else."

May have more to say after I finish book as it came highly recommended to me by others who have suffered with depression.

[kacekwl]

13. You sound like my wife and

your household sounds exactly like ours. I get it. I know words mean nothing most times but help is out there but can take time to find it. Don't forget you matter to others and yourself.

[BigmanPigman]

14. This won't make you feel better but you must realize

that you are not alone. In fact, you are in pretty good company! If you are NOT feeling anxiety/depression then you must have been sleep walking since last Nov 8th. Believe me...I KNOW! You are being a normal, realistic, clear headed person who should feel worried and depressed. I think that if you haven't been effected by this daily shit storm there is something wrong with you.

[nadine_mn]

19. There is so much pain and ugliness this administration

Has brought. It's one thing knowing that trump is an asshole. .. it's the knowledge that there are literally millions of people who think like him and love him that makes me sick.

[BigmanPigman]

20. I know... my dad literally told me the same thing yesterday.

He and my mom are 83 and have experience and perspective. I told my dad that the cult/base has documented psychological characteristics. In fact I sent this article to my mom yesterday to share with my dad. As I said...you are not alone and we are all trying to cope with this in our own individual ways. My dog is 14 1/2 and is my best medicine. I have a serious medical condition and at first I wanted to die as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to suffer through the physical pain of my disease on top of having to watch much country being destroyed by the fake prez and pals (the silver lining) then I realized that I want to see the fucking moron and GOP go down in well deserved flames so that I could die in peace.
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/8/15/16144070/psychology-alt-right
You could also do what I have been doing...RESIST in any way you can and works for you. I am an illustrator and have been making pins, earrings, bumper stickers and cards that are anti-tRump. I also have been calling Congress (over 400 times so far), signing petitions, going to rallies, volunteering at phone banks, etc.

I also ordered a clown punching bag which I drew his ugly, orange face on and when I am pissed off I kick and punch it a few times (my dog barks at it). Do whatever you can to deal with it until the majority feel as we do and says "enough is enough". Also, talk about it, let it out, yell at the TV, whatever makes you feel less frustrated and helpless. If you feel that you are doing something to enlighten others or just vent, go for it.

[donotpissoffacow]

15. Nadine, I know.

Some helpful hints:
-Every time a bad thought pops up it's ugly head, stomp on it and shove it back. Change your position, look out the window, grit your teeth and refuse to let it out. Tell it you have better things to do. Deliberately think about something else.
-turn up the corners of your mouth. Seriously. There's some long rigamarole about muscles and thought and it works. You have to concentrate which takes up thought space.
-when you do get out of bed, stand up straight. Tuck in the butt, pull up the ribs even if it's only five steps to the loo. Stomp a few ugly memories into the dirt. It's that muscle/brain thing again.
-meditate whether you want to or not. Even if you just sit there doing nothing. Then think about your slouchy spine. You can do something about that. Tell your mom you're going to sit there as long as you want. Make a bet on how long you can sit up perfectly straight. Check each vertebra and make sure it stays where it outta be.
-exercise even if it's only wiggling your toes...then your ankles...then...you get where I'm going.
-cry if you want to. You will eventually stop, even if you don't think so. Your arms and legs won't fall off, your brain won't explode. ( at least I don't think so...better check on that)
-use a mantra such as "the pain won't go away but I can learn to live with it". Say it every time you start to feel overwhelmed.
-If by any chance you get some health care, please keep in mind that Medicare will now pay for genetic testing of drug tolerance. Very important with dangerous antidepressants.
I wish I could help you. It's gonna suck everything out of you. Refill yourself with what you want.

[nadine_mn]

18. Thank you

I cried happy tears reading this

Thanks to all the support tonight, a normal run to target included the dog so my husband and I could take him for a walk at the park (new smells!)

He is excited. I enjoy the mental imagery of stomping bad thoughts

[donotpissoffacow]

23. How you doing, Nadine?

[irisblue]

24. Yeah, what donotpiddoffacow said.

How are you doing today?

[nadine_mn]

25. Stable I guess..I wish I could say better

But for several hours a day I feel like I have this huge weight pressing down on me.

So ever the optimist, I am looking for little victories to celebrate: leaving the house, took my big lug German Shepherd to the park after his vet visit. We don't walk far, I get worn out pretty easily, but he is so happy to smell new smells, poop in new grassy areas, and go for a car ride.

Seriously, seeing his goofy face as he plays in the leaves makes some of the depression go away.

My husband has been supportive, and I know I am lucky to have that.

Also wonderful DUers like you checking in...makes me feel special so thank you.

[donotpissoffacow]

30. Glad to hear from you!

That is the weight of the world on your shoulders. Heavy isn't it? Concentrate on keeping your spine straight so it slides off in a puddle on the floor...like dog pee. That's all it really is. I'm going out and stomp a few bad things back into the dirt for you. Hug your dog, hug your husband. Touch means so much. Keep in touch.

[steve2470]

22. hey I know how you feel

I think all of us in this group do. I do my level best to be upbeat and positive, but holy jesus someone always has to say something along the lines of "hey your life isn't that bad, look at XYZ, be grateful, look at the positive, yada yada yada". Um, I do that 99% of the time. Can't I be DOWNBEAT 1% of the time or must I be a happy machine all the time ?

again, sorry, I needed to vent a bit too, hope you feel better soon!

[democratisphere]

26. Chronic drumpf depression pervades America and Americans.

Many of US are carrying this load around each and every day this monster remains in the oval office. You are not alone and be bolstered by the idea that the majority of Americans will not allow him to continue to destroy our country. Continue to be positive as it helps with the struggles of each new day. Know this will pass.

[vlyons]

27. You are not alone in your suffering

You have what is called the suffering of suffering, and underlying that is persistent suffering. But sleeping all day is not the answer. Can your therapist recommend a group to join? Sort AA for depressives that wouldn't cost so much, yet give you an outlet to vent?

I too have suffered from depression. It stinks. I have found great peace through meditation. Nothing fancy. Just sitting, watching my breathing, and coming back to watching my breathing, when my discursive mind skips off to the wild blue yonder. Whatever is my mental and emotional state in the moment, that's what I get to sit with. It has enabled me to develop more patience and stoic acceptance of however I am in the moment. I do about a 20 minute meditation sit each morning and evening. It works for me. Try it and see if it works for you. But don't expect it to make your depression go away completely. Rather sitting practice has enabled me to better endure and be honest with myself about my emotional state.

I'm a Buddhist, so long ago I realized Buddha's 1st Noble Truth, the truth of suffering. It's all around us, and everyone is at its effect one way or another, even though they may not have realized it. But there are things that you can do for yourself. Many good suggestions in the above responses, not the least of which was getting outside and eating more healthy food.

[nadine_mn]

36. Curious...do you have any recommendations on where I can learn more

About Buddhism? I know very little about and not sure where to start.

I have tried to meditate but my mind wanders like crazy. I need to do find a way that calms the constant stream of thoughts.

I have been listening to some guided meditations some how hearing someone else say it's ok, you're safe, etc drowns out my own internal voices.

[vlyons]

37. There are many styles, schools, and traditions of Buddhism

because it's been around for 2600 years. Buddhism is not a religion, it's a practice in learning to tame and control your thoughts and emotions. So if people tell you that depression is all mental and cheer yourself up, they are correct. But they fail to tell you HOW.

We do not proselytize to get converts. You have to ask for teachings, which you have done. I am affiliated with Tibetan Buddhism, which is very ornate and esoteric. Zen Buddhism is much more simple. And Thai, or Therevada Buddhism is more simple still. But all schools and traditions of Buddhism start with Buddha's 4 Noble Truths: suffering, cause of suffering, cessation of suffering, and the path leading to cessation of suffering. But there is no magic pill to make suffering go away. You have to actually practice a little self-discipline and do the work of meditation and living a healthier lifestyle. I always direct new folks to start with reading. Then find a Buddhist meditation center near you, where you can ask questions and practice meditation with others.

We call the endless thought stream, discursive mind, or monkey mind, because it jumps around so much. And it is that very discursive mind that we are trying to calm down through meditation and mindfulness post-meditation. I still have discursive mind, and I've been meditating for 45 years. But I don't take my monkey mind too seriously. It's just thinking. Don't beat yourself up too much. You start wherever you are by having a little love and compassion for yourself. You deserve to have some joy in your life.

I always recommend books by the Dalai Lama, whose books are clear, easy to read for non-Buddhists, and I find enjoyable. He's not the Dalai Lama for no reason! lol

Some books that I recommend are: "Beyond Religion"
https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Religion-Ethics-Whole-World/dp/054784428X

"How to Practice Meditation"
https://www.amazon.com/How-Practice-Way-Meaningful-Life/dp/0743453360/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EZ20WDPTW2NM149MHM2V&dpID=4133VHHWJ1L&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=detail

"Start Where You Are" by Pema Chodron
https://www.amazon.com/Start-Where-You-Are-Compassionate/dp/1570628394/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1509094766&sr=1-8&keywords=pema+chodron

[get the red out]

28. Thoughts for you!

We share a lot of characteristics, it seems, except for the optimism part, that I am not. But my Mom had untreated mental illness and I knew all she wanted out of me was "bragging rights as I grew up, and that taught me to hate myself for my poor mental health. I was diagnosed at 17, but went untreated for about 17 years starting at about age 29, I hid how awful I felt and didn't participate in the world around me much, when my Dad died I was the strong one until after the funeral when I literally couldn't get out of bed, I got help again at that point.

Hang on, I if you are on meds maybe your GP could help with that, if your insurance covers that. Is there a NAMI (National Allience for the Mentally Ill) group in your area? They often offer groups and such, great resource.

It is OK to have the illness known as depression, I write that for myself as well as for you. People have chronic conditions, this is a chronic condition. I was shocked when I told my boss and co-workers about my depression and they didn't condemn me at all, one lady told me about her bout with post-partum depression and it turned out that my bosses wife is on anti-depressants (I told them because I would be having more frequent Dr appointments).

Hang on and post on, keep us up to date on how you are doing, the good folks in this group care. We also know what mental health hell is all about.

Oh, and studies show that losing a pet is just about the same as losing a human family member grief-wise. I have 2 dogs and don't even want to think about losing one of them.

[nadine_mn]

35. We had back to back pet losses in the span of a year

First our cat of 17 yrs in 2016 then our 16 yr old black lab in May. Obviously not a huge shock given their ages, but they held huge places in our hearts. Our German shepherd is 12 so...

We adopted a cat about a month before our black lab passed away (we knew the time was coming soon and didn't want our German shepherd to be the only pet in the house...we knew he would take it hard). Our cat Charlie has magic qualities..he took to the dogs right away and whenever anyone ...furry or not...in our house is sad, he is there with intense cuddles.

I know that things aren't as bad as my cloud of of depression is making them seem (it's like wearing sunglasses indoors - it's really not that dark). I have to take it day by day and savor the small moments of joy when they come.

[whathehell]

29. I've been where you are, Nadine..

Anti-depressants helped me -- Saved me, actually. Just wondering if you're therapist has suggested them.

If you can't afford your present therapist, please see your primary care doctor for a reference to a low cost mental health clinic or a psychiatrist or psychologist who is will work within your budget.
Let us s know how that works out for you..We care.

[BigmanPigman]

31. Did you see the DU post today? I thought of you. I will try to copy it.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029752990

[irisblue]

32. well I needed to see this too.

Thanks & give your dog an ear skritchies for me please🐶

[BigmanPigman]

33. Done, as well as warm belly kisses.

[nadine_mn]

34. I needed to see that...I need a reminder that it's not me

I feel so worn down by the news, by the nastiness that was always there but now I still out in the open.

I know there is good in this world, that good people still exist...thanks for the reminder.

[angstlessk]

38. The only times I cried so hard as to lose control of my knees

was when my father died when I was 16 and when my dog died when I was 56...

My mother's death resulted in a few tears.