I'm having a manic episode and I can't stand it

[Maraya1969]

I am full of rage. I haven't slept. I have sent out several emails to my brother, who is a piece of shit and has been stealing money from our trust fund but that is beside the point.

My body feels like a locomotive is running through it. And I called the doctor yesterday, he prescribed a medication to help me get down but 2 fucking pharmacies didn't have it in stock and won't get it until today.

So I have to wait. Unless I check myself into the hospital for a couple days, which I don't want to do.

I just want a frigging break from this!

PS I just took 2 Klonopin and 2 Vicodin. I have a few drinks last night but I'm sure they have burned off. Not that they calmed me down at all

[irisblue]

1. Breathe, breathe, breathe

Are you in a safe space?
Will you hurt another person?
Do you have some friend who can physically stay with you?
Please keep in touch with us.

[Maraya1969]

8. No I won't hurt anyone. My brother is in another state far away

It was just thoughts.

But it was suggested I delete that so I will

Thanks so much

[whathehell]

2. I felt like I was freaking out once and I went to an emergency room..

and it "did the job" so to speak...They didn't even keep me, just gave me a prescription, so please do the same if you feel the need...Don't forget to let us know how you are doing!

[Maraya1969]

9. That was my fear. Even though I thought it might be a good idea

to do the obligatory 3 days if they Baker Act you in FL I have to be there for my Mom, who is still in the hospital after her fall before the hurricane.

But I guess if you say you are not going to hurt yourself or others, (I wouldn't say what I said about my brother because I wouldn't do it - just daydream about it)

[samnsara]

3. i am finding myself ragey lately...for no reason! Not nearly as

bad as youre experiencing. I did a shot of tequila at 10 am, a hit off a joint and then I booted up and went outside and did some physical...rage-y..labor. I aggressively tore down a green house hubby has been putting off..so now it was covered in snow.

I did feel better.

Hope you find some relief soon!

(((hugs)))

[PearliePoo2]

4. Are you physically able to go for a walk? Invite a friend to go with you?

Do you have access to a park, a beach or any trails? Do you have headphones so you can listen to some classical music on your walk?
I know when I am feeling anxious that a change in scenery helps a lot. Try not to be alone right now.
While your feeling like this, please do not use any alcohol.

[mia]

5. Be well, Maraya1969.

Music helps me to relax. I hope this helps to bring you some peace.

[samnsara]

6. when I was a therapist I would often have my clients...

..write a letter to whomever was causing the stress...then tear it up. Write your brother a letter and tell him everything you are feeling.. and why! Then burn it...or save it in your bottom drawer somewhere.

[hunter]

18. The letter thing never worked for me...

... as I'm likely to deliver such letters personally, any time, 24/7, even if I have to drive all night and a day.

My later teens and young adulthood were a time of burning bridges and tossing hand grenades back across the river just to make sure the message was received.

It later evolved into a kind of recklessness, self inflicted wounds that let me know I was still alive.

I think one of the more positive things I ever did was work as a day laborer, loading and unloading trucks. I once flunked organic chemistry because of that, since I missed too many classes, but at the end of a day loading and unloading trucks I hurt so much I knew I was alive, and $60, a couple of times a $100, deposited in Crocker's bank.

Having severely abused my young body in the 'seventies and early 'eighties, I don't have to do anything at all now to hurt but get out of bed. I'm the fucking tin man without an oil can. Still, that pain wasn't enough to keep me out of the psych ward last year. (My new meds are helpful. I'm not hearing voices, nor am I thinking it would be a good idea to study big sharks up close without a cage. In the dark.)

I've two siblings and a kid who deal with whatever this OCD/Depression thing is in the same way: punishing physicality. It wasn't until I was locked up last year that I realized I wasn't any different than people who cut themselves.

[gvstn]

7. I've been exactly there.

Klonopin always seemed to work for me at about 4 tablets. For some reason it just clicked.

The rage is the worst especially if it feels unfamiliar to your personality yet is impossible to let go. I never really found in answer to controlling it since it was so irrational. Yes, people do bad things to you sometimes but having no control over your emotions is terrible. Not being able to sleep at all makes it worse.

I hope the new medication can help. If it helps you sleep, your brain can start organizing things and perhaps the rage will subside. The ability to sleep helps me with my brother(I like the moniker, "crazy, fucked-up piece of shit", personally. I can just categorize him as not existing in my life until forced to.

[Maraya1969]

10. I have not had this for several years. I didn't even need that medication

for a long time. That's why it was so horrible, (I'm still feeling bad but not as much since I did manage to sleep)

This situation with my brother has been going on for over 3 years and he lies and tries to waste time and do stupid things to get me to forget it. I sent him several messages last night and included the FL statues that he is breaking and the ramifications for him if he is caught. I am still dealing with my mom who had traumatic brain injury since her fall before the hurricane. She is actually so much better but she still can't even stand up!

I think the stress of it all has put me over the edge. I'm going to call the pharmacy to see if they have the medicine now.

[gvstn]

12. You certainly have your plate full. No wonder you are stressed.

A person with traumatic brain injury is one heck of thing to deal with when you are feeling well and at emotional equilibrium. Going into that situation already stressed out must be awful. I'm sorry your brother can't be more of a help, I do know the feeling since when my mother was dying his hospital visits amounted to him using the hospital's free wifi rather than giving her any attention or comfort.

I'm just taking the first steps to deal with a very deep depression that just seems to get worse rather than passing. I thought after ten years of being my mom's primary care giver that I would have gotten more help from my brother and sister. I now know I was wrong. I'll see how it goes but it does make me mad that they just ignore all the work that should have been done when she passed and left it all for me to clean up. I let most of it go. Don't know if from passive aggression or depression but when my brother had to actually step up and do something that sent his attitude from uninterested to disdain. Oh well, I've got to go feed my mom's cat and clean his litter for the third time today--they never will and have never asked about him or if I need money to feed/clean up after him.

[Maraya1969]

13. I've been to one caregiver's support group and have an appointment

with another woman from Hospice caregiver group.

That really helped me. I was feeling horrible and after that group I felt so much better. Until the last day or two

I've heard so many times that it is left to one sibling to take care of a parent. It sucks. I can't believe they don't even feel guilty about it.

I have 2 friends from my Buddhist church who know what is going on and when he comes down again, (he has been here for 2 days last month and will come again for 2 days in a couple weeks. She's been in the hospital for 2 months)

Anyway they are going to show up, (because I'm afraid he will hide if he knows they are going to be there) and talk to him nicely. They know what a shit he is and how unfair he is and want him to know how hard it is on me.

I hope you can get professional help. Being bipolar I have had to be on anti-depressants and anti-manic drugs and they really save me. Actually I just got back from the drug store and took my first dose of the anti-manic so I hope to feel better soon

[PennyK]

11. I feel for you

I've just recently started having problems with mood, and the first antidepressant I took (Wellbutrin)put me into a manic state. I'm now using Zoloft, but started with a baby dose and slowly worked my way up to 50 mg. Having things you want to do seems to be key with both extremes. Try to take it easy...at least you do have those other meds until you get your script filled.

[nadine_mn]

14. How are you feeling today?

I hate that helpless feeling when you *know* what's wrong but can't stop it...that helpless feeling of your emotions taking over.

Have you tried aromatherapy at all...it sounds kinda hokey like a bandaid to a gaping wound. But a couple of years ago I was in intensive group therapy for 3 weeks (8-3pm). We all had varying degrees of mental health issues...some were straight from the 72 hr crisis hold, some like me were about one episode away from the crisis ward. Anyway, I remember walking in and seeing people with what looked like little plastic shot glasses with cotton balls and they were sniffing deeply into them. All ages, gender, etc...something about seeing a big burly guy and a teenage girl sitting next to each other...each huffing cotton balls... aromatherapy. Had to try it and it helped a lot. Days when I needed calming, days when I needed a pick me up, days when I was feeling nauseous- different combos of scents each helped.

Sometimes focusing on sensory stuff....cold water on the wrists, light therapy, music, scents...can help redirect some of the overwhelming stuff.

Also fuck that noise that 2 pharmacies couldn't fill your Rx

[irisblue]

15. What Nadin said about the pharmacies

Lavender is really a nice scent for me

[Maraya1969]

16. I put a calming blend on last night and just now, after I read your post!

I feel better today but not great. My mind is still racing but not as much.

That's a good idea on the sensory stuff.

[irisblue]

17. I have several 'chakra balancing' CDs

non verbal music has been helpful many times when I am trying to fall asleep.

[Maraya1969]

20. I listen to them on Youtube. Mostly the bineural beats. They may be the same as what you are

talking about.

[irisblue]

22. Steven Halpern is the musician, I have 'Chakra Suite' on the CD now

He has quite an extensive discography.
I enjoy the music when I'm trying to destress.

[hunter]

19. Racing mind is the worst. Especially when you NEED to sleep.

[mopinko]

21. hang in there honey.

hope the new meds are starting to kick in by now.

if i were you, i wouldnt hesitate to hit the er. they cant keep you if you dont want to stay. and i am sure your obligations to your mom would count as mitigating even if they thought you should stay.

the one really manic period that i ever had, my bike was my best friend. i would just ride until i was exhausted, and then have to ride back home. partly that was just getting out of the house, and all that, but it did help a lot.
ironically, at the time i was sleeping like a baby. just not for very long.