My friend's service is Monday - I will see friends who haven't seen me since I gained the weight.

[rbnyc]

I don't know if maybe some of you saw in LBN or the Lounge, Suzanne Hart, who was killed in a horrible freak elevator accident on Wednesday, was a friend of mine. I met her at college. We lived together for a year with a whole group of our friends who all share a really deep bond. Of course now we all have careers and families, and while many of us landed in New York, we are spread all over the country. We’ve kept in touch, but in recent years it’s all been on facebook. A lot of folks I haven’t seen since my wedding.

Since my wedding, I have gained 100 pounds. In a very short time I went from being a healthy-sized, healthy woman who just thought she was fat to being morbidly obese. I was in a bad car accident the day before my wedding and I lost a baby. I was in a hurry to get pregnant again so I didn’t wait to be well enough healed. I have the most wonderful son and I regret nothing, but I have not gotten control of my body since all that and this weight gain has just felt like falling down a well.

I am deeply ashamed of it. I moved four years ago, so everyone around here has always known me as fat. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house, but I do.

When I see my friends at the service on Monday, they will be shocked. But I have to go. I can’t miss her service because I’m ashamed of being fat. But I’m so nervous and apprehensive about what people will think when they see me. And we have all just suddenly lost a friend – I hope no one decides to give me an intervention talk on the spot.

I’m deeply embarrassed.

Is there anyone here who had a transformative weight gain and had to face seeing people for the first time in your new body?

How did you deal? How did they deal?

I can’t lose 100 pounds by Monday. I have to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Help.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

1. Everyone else will have changed too

Once you walk in the door and see that for yourself, you'll be fine.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[rbnyc]

4. Thanks...

...when I see pictures I think they all look just the same. But I'm sure you're right.

Maybe I will make someone else who has gained weight feel more comfortable.

[Scuba]

2. No reason to be embarrassed or ashamed....

... gaining weight does not have a negative effect on one's ethics or character.

Anyone who is so judgmental as to think you're a lesser person should be ashamed.

[rbnyc]

5. Thanks...

...I think it does reflect on me in that I haven't figured out how to make the changes in my life to reverse it. But I know that you are right. It doesn't make me a lesser person. I am still the same person they loved so they should still love me.

I'm still nervous, but I think it will help to take it head-on.

[rbnyc]

6. I hope my husband will be able to come with me.

That will help.

Thank you.

[noamnety]

7. I haven't gone through exactly that situation

Last edited Sat Dec 17, 2011, 06:44 PM - Edit history (1)

but most of us have been through other things that feel similarly like failures - divorces, loss of jobs, foreclosures, etc. It sucks having to face people for the first time after any one of those events, and it feels humiliating and stressful. But you probably have friends who have been through that sort of thing and didn't feel like they should stay hidden away from people in shame, right?

Go, mourn your friend and find some closure if you can in the services. Trade stories about your friend. If you find other people there who have been through hardships like yours in some way, be supportive of them. I think you'll be fine. If anyone comments on your weight, it's okay to say exactly what you said here, you had a loss, you gained some weight in the stress of coping with that, you have a wonderful son and no regrets.

I also don't know what you've read about weight gain, this is stuff that maybe you know but it was new to me in the last couple of months. If you know it, sorry to assume you might not. Anyway, I didn't know that when you are stressed, your body produces more cortisol, a stress hormone that causes your metabolism to slow. When that happens, your body reacts to carbs and insulin differently than when you aren't stressed, and that can cause weight gain even if everything else in your diet is exactly the same. (It's not just calories in/calories out, in other words, the stress hormone affects the calories out as much as exercise can). Once you store more fat because of the cortisol, your fat cells pull nutrients to support themselves - leaving your muscles and other organs malnourished even though you are eating enough in theory. Our bodies react to that by feeling hungry; our appetite increases, which keeps adding to the cycle.

It was kind of freeing for me to grasp that concept, that we don't just get overweight because we eat too much, but also we eat too much because our cells are demanding it - and there's a physical reason why that's happening. For me, it was helpful to understand that whole deal, instead of just "blargh, I feel like eating again, I have issues."

[rbnyc]

8. Thank you so much.

I did know about cortisol, but not in such detail. I think stress may be a major factor for me.

I really appreciate everything you said. It's really true.

[MedicalAdmin]

14. If I may add to this very good post.

The best single piece of advice I can give you to help control some of the effects of this is to eat every 3 hours you are awake. It doesn't have to be much, but it should be something.

This will bring your insulin / glucose swings under control (that may be up-regulating due to the cortisol stress reaction). A good small protein source along with some fresh fruit of veggie is a good choice. I pack a boiled egg and some chopped up veggies for my snacks. It helps.

This advice came from the medical staff at our clinic where we deal with chronic metabolic and pain conditions (along with cancer and a few other things). Weight loss is not our primary focus, but it is a good side effect of much of what we do.

Good luck to the OP.

[handmade34]

9. so sorry for your loss...

good people do not see and judge the weight (or any other physical attribute), they see the person... be yourself and do not dismay and do not be ashamed. Your time will come and it will be the right time to climb out of the well...

[rbnyc]

11. Thank you.

I got a new blouse and I'm coloring my roots.



I really appreciate being able to talk about this here. Your support is wonderful.

[annabanana]

10. These are people who you have known for years. Don'tworry.

It's like the footnotes in a foreign language movie. You're very aware of them for a couple of minutes and then you really don't notice them. These people will have had to cope with things in their lives and you are still YOU, after all.

[rbnyc]

12. That's a cool analogy.

Thanks so much.

[Dorian Gray]

13. I've had the gain

and the loss. It's difficult and messes with your mind. But know who you are as a person, and be confident. Most people will be focused on the tragic loss of Suzanne's life (and not on your weight gain). (BTW: I am so sorry that you lost your friend in this tragic accident. It's been in the news a lot here, and it's horrific. She was from my neighborhood in BK, so the local news has had lots of info on her.)

This is just one moment in your journey as self acceptance. YOU are not defined by your weight. YOU are defined by what's inside of you. I know saying that isn't going to help you right now, as it takes a long time to learn that.

For me, the weight gain was easier to accept than the weight loss. The gain was gradual over years, so those who saw me didn't notice that much. The loss was also gradual over 3 years, but the reaction that I got to that was vastly different. People don't comment on the gain. People do comment on the loss.

Counseling with someone who specializes in healthy body images might be something to look into. You are human and you are the same person that you were 100 lbs ago. Believe that. Embrace yourself. Love yourself.