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Victor_c3

(3,557 posts)
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:40 AM Jul 2014

[updated] Just got released from VA psych ward yesterday

Last edited Wed Jul 23, 2014, 08:25 AM - Edit history (1)

I don't know if anyone noticed my nearly month-long absence, but I spent the last month hanging out as an inpatient in a VA psych ward and was just released yesterday afternoon.

The end of June marks several grim anniversary dates for a number of events that happened to me when I was in Iraq in 2004 and this year it pushed me too far. I slashed up my left wrist pretty bad and switched the blade in my hands to attempt to do the same to my right wrist, but my suddenly impaired left hand dropped it after a single pass on my right. Had it not been for that, I would have kept going and was planning on getting my neck next.

My wife called 911 and I ran outside and started yelling at her and the war like a maniac and bled everywhere until the cops showed up. A vision of my children in my head prompted me to grab my mangled left wrist and apply pressure in an attempt to slow the bleeding until the paramedics showed up.

Despite all this, I nearly passed out while waiting and I fully expected to die right there. There was a LOT of blood everywhere.

My wife and kids picked me up yesterday at the hospital. My kids are young and just think that I was negligent and cut myself by accident.

Anyways, I spent 2 days shy of a month at a VA psych ward getting my head back together. Today, as an outpatient, I have a number of appointments at the VA and start to attempt a recovery. I don't really know how or if suicidal ideation is something someone can really recover from or ever pop out of their mind entirely. It had been in my head for 10 years before it bubbled up enough for me to act on.

I feel (mostly) good and (mostly) optimistic right now. I'm sorry for what I did to my wife, kids, and parents, but I don't feel any guilt or remorse towards myself. Numb is the best way to describe my feelings right now. As before, images, thoughts, and regrets about the war permeate my head nearly non-stop. I have to take care of this stuff before it kills me.

Even though I'm taking the time to write all of this out, I'm really not looking for words of encouragement or support. Anyone out there who has even passing suicidal ideation needs to get this stuff addressed. As an inpatient, I met a number of other vets who were all fighting the same fight as me and I see that I'm far from being alone in this.

------- update -------

Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I was going to attempt to reply to everyone, but I got overwhelmed with the idea of doing so. However I've read every post on this thread multiple times.

As I assume most would imagine, reintegration into normal life is turning out to be both challenging and exhausting. My wife doesn't trust me to be by myself and constantly checks up on me and my oldest daughter seems both happy to see me and angry at me. Being 5 years old, I believe that doesn't fully know how to verbalize her feelings. My youngest daughter (she is 3) just looks at me and constantly hugs and kisses me and tells me how much she loves me and how happy she is to be home. As I mentioned earlier, my children don't fully know what happened. As far as they are aware, they think I cut myself being careless while cutting fruit.

Hopefully I'll be going back to work tomorrow, but that'll bring about another slew of mixed emotions and stresses. Understandably, everyone walks around on eggshells. People at work know exactly why I was away for the last month.

Anyways, I'm still trucking along and I have another appointment at the VA this afternoon. The VA has gotten a lot of bad press, but I've had nothing but good experiences with them. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I'm happy to be out of the inpatient psych ward, but I miss the people and the stability of the extremely boring routine there.

I'm lurking in the shadows for a bit, but again thanks for all of the words of encouragement and support. I've read every post her multiple times. I (mostly) feel ok right now.

Thanks,

Victor

80 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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[updated] Just got released from VA psych ward yesterday (Original Post) Victor_c3 Jul 2014 OP
I hope you find peace, my brother. Scuba Jul 2014 #1
+ Ed Suspicious Jul 2014 #18
Plus 1 nt MrScorpio Jul 2014 #35
Well, even if you aren't looking for them, here's some words of encouragement and support. MADem Jul 2014 #2
Sorry Scarsdale Jul 2014 #14
You might want to cut/delete this and repost it to the OP. MADem Jul 2014 #51
All the best Turbineguy Jul 2014 #3
I am glad you are better. hollysmom Jul 2014 #4
I hope you have continuing support. Jim__ Jul 2014 #5
Did something similar back in '75. Still here, thank the Gods. riqster Jul 2014 #6
Hey I'm 66 heaven05 Jul 2014 #7
I'm 66 as well Fortinbras Armstrong Jul 2014 #71
grandad was right heaven05 Jul 2014 #72
I agree with you. Fortinbras Armstrong Jul 2014 #74
I hope you keep fighting get the red out Jul 2014 #8
Glad you got help. democrank Jul 2014 #9
I have no idea what to say. scmoore120 Jul 2014 #10
I am glad the VA was able AsahinaKimi Jul 2014 #11
glad you're here to tell us... handmade34 Jul 2014 #13
Thank you for sharing. lovemydog Jul 2014 #12
Peace to you and your family.... magical thyme Jul 2014 #15
I am so glad you were able to be helped by the VA and come to realize mnhtnbb Jul 2014 #16
anniversaries are hell awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #63
You are never alone, some very kind sensitive people here, we are with you too. Stuart G Jul 2014 #17
........ daleanime Jul 2014 #19
Please, continue to share..you will help yourself and many more. mountain grammy Jul 2014 #20
Glad you are still with us. I rarely look at people's names here although I keep reminding Dustlawyer Jul 2014 #21
Sending you encouragement Sanity Claws Jul 2014 #22
Sometimes, words fail. IdaBriggs Jul 2014 #23
Wishing you joy and peace. Hugs. 840high Jul 2014 #24
PTSD lasts until it is processed. Sometimes the emotions just boil to the surface. hue Jul 2014 #25
Good for you to open up and MAN did this come at the right time for me... randys1 Jul 2014 #26
This touched me so deeply libodem Jul 2014 #27
glad you're still with us. Your experience may help others rurallib Jul 2014 #28
Thank you, Victor. Rozlee Jul 2014 #29
take care of yourself and best of luck with your treatment ! nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #30
. progressoid Jul 2014 #31
You have been to hell and almost back Sheepshank Jul 2014 #32
We walk a fine line. peace13 Jul 2014 #33
Got your back Botany Jul 2014 #34
Keep on truckin' DoBotherMe Jul 2014 #36
You are loved, remember that. I wish you peace in your heart and your mind. nt Fla Dem Jul 2014 #37
Thank you for sharing. Even this post may be the instrument that helps another go through what jwirr Jul 2014 #38
sounds like there's a big hole where Victor use to be florida08 Jul 2014 #39
Glad you're still here--I hope things turn around for you. TwilightGardener Jul 2014 #40
As a bipolar person I empathize AndreaCG Jul 2014 #41
Glad you pulled-through. Welcome back to DU. appal_jack Jul 2014 #42
I'm glad you're ok - TBF Jul 2014 #43
I wish you peace. MadrasT Jul 2014 #44
Thom Hatrmann florida08 Jul 2014 #45
Good for him...maybe it will encourage others to seek help. Lochloosa Jul 2014 #46
I visited my dad in the pysch ward when I was 14 Skittles Jul 2014 #47
your kids and your wife need you. Your parents, too. lululu Jul 2014 #48
hugs to you RainDog Jul 2014 #49
You are so not alone in your plight and I thank the stars that you came to your senses when you DocwillCuNow Jul 2014 #50
If you're on any sort of psych drugs, they will blunt your feelings Warpy Jul 2014 #52
Glad to see you back lunasun Jul 2014 #53
Glad we are able to read your words. TNNurse Jul 2014 #54
I don't pretend Coyote_Bandit Jul 2014 #55
Not just Vets but others understand also. I wish you glinda Jul 2014 #56
War War War shadowmayor Jul 2014 #57
Sounds as if you are reacting like a normal human being... nikto Jul 2014 #58
I wish you healing and peace of mind. I am glad you are here. Squinch Jul 2014 #59
((victor)) blondie58 Jul 2014 #60
I'm Not A Vet... My Dad Was... But... The Only Thing I've Ever Seen Work... For What It's Worth... WillyT Jul 2014 #61
I'm so glad that you are OK and have learned techniques to help you. Maraya1969 Jul 2014 #62
((Victor)) Iwillnevergiveup Jul 2014 #64
PTSD is forever, but you can survive it. alfredo Jul 2014 #65
Mental Health professionals do not believe that PTSD is necessicarily forever. Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #67
One still has to have reality checks from time to time. Am I reacting to the hear and now, or alfredo Jul 2014 #75
PTSD *is* the symptoms. If one no longer ever experiences the symptoms, one Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #77
I guess my issue is with the term cured. I was in remission with Crohn's, but I still had the alfredo Jul 2014 #78
OK, yeah, it is generally believed that there is no "cure" for PTSD. Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #79
Thank you. We still don't know enough about the brain to cure the effects of experience. alfredo Jul 2014 #80
As a vet I have been there... KBlagburn Jul 2014 #66
Just think of all of the people who wished they had your problems urbuddha Jul 2014 #68
It is better to feel pain than feel nothing. alfredo Jul 2014 #76
One day at a time - one day at a time intaglio Jul 2014 #69
I'm thankful you're better. Does your wife have the support Ilsa Jul 2014 #70
Thank you, appreciate so much you took the time to write your experience for everyone. Sunlei Jul 2014 #73

MADem

(135,425 posts)
2. Well, even if you aren't looking for them, here's some words of encouragement and support.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:47 AM
Jul 2014

I'm glad you got help, and I hope you'll continue to work with your health care team to get better. I want you to understand, deep in your heart, that your family really wants you around--often people with suicidal ideations have an idea that their families will be better off without them, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have older cousins who lost their father to suicide, and it's a thing that resonates down the generations to even the young kids who never knew the man--the sadness and guilt and self-blame that they didn't act in time to stop him is passed on.

I hope you get past "numb" and find a little joy in your life--you sure as hell are overdue for some. Keep pushing on, even when it gets difficult. Your family will appreciate it more than you realize.

Scarsdale

(9,426 posts)
14. Sorry
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:48 AM
Jul 2014

Sorry it came to this, but very glad you survived. Later onthings will happen that will make you SO very glad that this attempt was stopped. Please do not leave your wife to raise the kids alone, they need their father. My husband was never around when our children were growing up, and it affects them tremendously. War is not the answer to any problem, if only people like McCain and Graham would get that through their empty heads. Best of luck in the future, the bad times could all be behind you, look forward.

MADem

(135,425 posts)
51. You might want to cut/delete this and repost it to the OP.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 05:57 PM
Jul 2014

He might not see it otherwise.

You've mistakenly responded to my comments to the OP.

Best, MD.

hollysmom

(5,946 posts)
4. I am glad you are better.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:47 AM
Jul 2014

I can't imagine what you have witnessed.

enjoy the summer and think of the good things in life like your family.

Jim__

(14,487 posts)
5. I hope you have continuing support.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:53 AM
Jul 2014

If it took 10 years to bubble up this time, it sounds like long term support would be a good idea.

Peace to you and yours.

riqster

(13,986 posts)
6. Did something similar back in '75. Still here, thank the Gods.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:54 AM
Jul 2014

Hang in there. Kids are a motivating force, as are lots of other things we find in and around ourselves.

 

heaven05

(18,124 posts)
7. Hey I'm 66
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:56 AM
Jul 2014

spent months in VA psyche counseling in 71. You will get through this. Yep met good friends while there also. I do encourage you. Healing is possible.

Fortinbras Armstrong

(4,473 posts)
71. I'm 66 as well
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 06:51 AM
Jul 2014

I have literally spent years dealing with the demons from Viet Nam, including some time spent as an in-patient at a VA psych ward.

A year or so after I got out of the army, I was visiting my grandfather in England, where I slept in the room next to him. The first night I was there, I dreamt about a particular firefight, in which I repeatedly relived shooting and killing a man. My grandfather, who had served in France in 1914-15 (and spent the rest of WWI in Egypt and Palestine -- he knew T. E. Lawrence and didn't think much of him) said to me the next morning that I had had a rough night. I said that I dreamt I was back in combat, and asked him. "Do the nightmares ever go away?" He replied, "They will subside, but never go away completely." My cousin came in and asked what we were talking about. My grandfather said, "I hope you never find out." I agreed enthusiastically. My grandfather was right, the nightmares have subsided, but are not gone.

 

heaven05

(18,124 posts)
72. grandad was right
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 07:14 AM
Jul 2014

and yep, they have subsided. Glad you made it. I salute you. I will never forget and, actually, that's not what I ever want to do. My compassion for armed and unarmed casualties of any war now is firmly in place and I do speak against the insanity of war and the immense failure, of human beings, that war represents.

Fortinbras Armstrong

(4,473 posts)
74. I agree with you.
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 08:22 AM
Jul 2014

I won't forget either. I have spoken against the wars in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan. I agree with Wilfred Owen that Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori -- "It is sweet and right to die for your country" can only be called a lie.

I made myself very unpopular during the Iraq war, when someone in a meeting of the parish council in my Church called the soldiers in Iraq "defenders of American freedom". I asked, "Please explain to me how they are defending American freedom in any way." What made it worse was that no one there could give me a meaningful answer. I was accused of being a coward, but my offer to go home to get my medals -- which include both a Bronze Star and two Purple Hearts -- was not taken up. I was accused of betraying those who died in 9/11, but I reminded them that Iraq had not attacked the US on 9/11, that the Bushmen's implication that Iraq was involved was a lie, and that the attackers were almost all Saudis. I was accused of actual treason, but I quoted the US Constitution, "Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort", and that under that definition my statements were certainly not treason; moreover, disagreeing with the President was most assuredly not treason. (Incidentally, a major reason that the framers of the Constitution were explicit in their definition of treason stemmed from an incident during the reign of Henry VIII of England. One of Henry's political enemies was arrested and told the charge was treason. He said, "I have committed no treason." The arresting officer replied, "Treason is what the king says it is." The framers knew their history, and did not want treason to be whatever some governmental official said it was.)

democrank

(11,250 posts)
9. Glad you got help.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:14 AM
Jul 2014

Little by little, day by day. Just keep on keeping on. More people care than you know.

~PEACE~

mnhtnbb

(32,105 posts)
16. I am so glad you were able to be helped by the VA and come to realize
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:50 AM
Jul 2014

you are not alone.

Anniversaries of horrible events can really fu*k with your head. I hope that you
will be able to go forward and find enough peace to be able to get through them
when they roll around in years to come and reduce the amount of time those images
fill your head now.

My husband is a retired VA psychiatrist and I'm glad to hear that the VA system
is still able to help vets who have been through the hell of war.

 

awoke_in_2003

(34,582 posts)
63. anniversaries are hell
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 10:45 PM
Jul 2014

My mom died on thanksgiving day, 1981. I was 13. It fucked me up for a long time, but my family, especially my grandchildren, got me past it. You just need one reason to stay alive.

mountain grammy

(27,343 posts)
20. Please, continue to share..you will help yourself and many more.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:08 AM
Jul 2014

Don't ever feel you're alone in this battle. My husband went though serious depression when he returned from Vietnam. I met him several years later and always admired how he put things behind him. He told me he learned to do that from the doctors and staff and other patients at the VA. He honestly feels he wouldn't be here today without them.

War is never the answer.

Dustlawyer

(10,518 posts)
21. Glad you are still with us. I rarely look at people's names here although I keep reminding
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:14 AM
Jul 2014

myself to. I am re dedicating myself to do so to look for yours.

Though not in the same area, suicide and "cutting," I have something that at the heart of it you might try.


After my son died at 3 1/2, I was a basket case for about 2 years. It was very rough, drawn out death and I had to be the one to tell my other two young children. I finally began searching for something positive to take from it, I HAD TO. I finally settled on finding joy in everything I could and in living each day fully. It worked. I had been about deferred gratification, "we can't .... Until we achieve...." I looked back at the one day I had taken my son "pishing" and wished we had pished together more. So I started doing more with my kids. I started to laugh and play more and worry about money, career... less. I found that my kids didn't care about those other things, they just cared that their dad was back and spending time with them. This helped heal me more than anything. I also knew as I bet you do, that present day problems pale in comparison to the ugly past you have been through. I would catch myself worrying about something until I stopped and put it in perspective. Then I would laugh because it was really nothing.

Your kids just want their dad around, warts and all. We go through life getting cut in one way or another and bear those scars to prove it. It is how we put it all in perspective and what we choose to do about it going forward. My step daughter used to cut up her arms and we were told that it is a way to relieve pressure or stress building in her life. We talk about things more to help relieve that and she said that putting the pressure in perspective, taking a look at it (the cause of the pressure) for what it is and understanding that the issue that started it all was over and she could put it in its place and move on.

I hope you find peace and I will look for your future posts!

Sanity Claws

(22,053 posts)
22. Sending you encouragement
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:15 AM
Jul 2014

I know you said you weren't looking for it but I want to offer you little I can offer.
I am glad you got the help you needed and hope you get continuing care. You went through a lot.

 

IdaBriggs

(10,559 posts)
23. Sometimes, words fail.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:16 AM
Jul 2014

Saying "thank you for your service" when you are still living in a war zone in your head ten years later seems stupid, while saying "I am sorry for your pain" seems to negate the responsibility civilians must assume for policies that create wars in the first place.

I am glad you did not die, and that there is a hope for healing and peace. I do not presume to know your own personal nightmares, but assume your self destructive tendencies are exacerbated because you are a good person who is struggling to cope with memories of horrible things.

May you find strength. May you find ways to regain control of your own mind and destiny again, and use your creative problem solving skills to rebuild the shattered world around you. May you help others who suffer the tragedies of war to heal. May your name and deeds become a blessing to the lives of others.

May you never stop fighting to make this world a better place.

Blessings to you and yours...

hue

(4,949 posts)
25. PTSD lasts until it is processed. Sometimes the emotions just boil to the surface.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:41 AM
Jul 2014

As You said "it bubbled up enough for me to act on. " Otherwise it remains repressed.

But it CAN be processed. It takes time & very good guidance. PTSD is recently being understood. It is as if one part of You is living yet in the war zone & the other part is at home here with Your Family.


..."suicidal ideation needs to" be "addressed" but not acted upon.

Thanks for sharing Your tough ordeal, I hope You continue to work on this. Your Family and our world needs You!!

libodem

(19,288 posts)
27. This touched me so deeply
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:46 AM
Jul 2014

I'm glad you had the courage to share. I'm glad you made it. The thought of suicide is so seductive when we are overcome with never ending emotional pain. Sometimes the thought of just having the option of an out is comforting in a bizarre way.

I've heard that usually within 6 months a person who is saved or survives or is talked out of it is happy that they lived. I'm glad you have follow up. If you end up in group therapy you might have a chance to reach someone else on the edge. Sometimes going through a terrible experience molds you into a wise person with a PhD in experience. You may find your way into peer counciling. Helping others may be your gift.





rurallib

(63,256 posts)
28. glad you're still with us. Your experience may help others
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:53 AM
Jul 2014

sorry to hear all that you went through.

Also sad to know those that out you in harm's way will probably never be brought to justice.

Rozlee

(2,529 posts)
29. Thank you, Victor.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:53 AM
Jul 2014

For being here with us today. Our world is better with you than without you.

 

Sheepshank

(12,504 posts)
32. You have been to hell and almost back
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:02 AM
Jul 2014

and the journey is not done yet. BUT it does sound like you are on one of the many right paths. I am so glad you had a landing place to help you heal. And I am so glad you are able to see things from a perspective that opens you up to the possibility of continuing treatment to help that healing. My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

peace13

(11,076 posts)
33. We walk a fine line.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:02 AM
Jul 2014

My best to you and your family. Thanks for writing this down. It's easy to feel alone but you write what so many feel and it is a reminder that we aren't alone. Take care of yourself. Peace and love to you and your family.

Botany

(72,592 posts)
34. Got your back
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:04 AM
Jul 2014

If you ever need anything remember help is a phone call away and that
your kids will make you rich in ways that are far better then money.

DoBotherMe

(2,350 posts)
36. Keep on truckin'
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:16 AM
Jul 2014

Been there, done that. It does get better. Cliche' I know, but, for me, sometimes that's about all that would break through the feelings of worthlessness. Please take care of yourself. Love, Dana ; )

jwirr

(39,215 posts)
38. Thank you for sharing. Even this post may be the instrument that helps another go through what
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:20 AM
Jul 2014

you are experiencing.











DU=family

florida08

(4,106 posts)
39. sounds like there's a big hole where Victor use to be
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:33 AM
Jul 2014

and some bad stuff that's trying to take him out. You know the answer and the courage it will take. Not fair that this has been done to you. I cry for that. The bad stuff is overwhelming the good in your life. You have to get involved in something positive..maybe helping other vets. So many feel so bad when they leave their friends and brothers to come home. But they would want you to win back your family life. The hole can be repaired. One day at a time and with help from everyone. Let them. Yell and scream privately when you need to but get it all out with the therapist or whoever you trust. Treat yourself too. You have earned it.

Godspeed

TwilightGardener

(46,416 posts)
40. Glad you're still here--I hope things turn around for you.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:43 AM
Jul 2014

May lots of good things and happiness come your way.

AndreaCG

(2,331 posts)
41. As a bipolar person I empathize
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:59 AM
Jul 2014

Though I will never be able to comprehend all that you went through and feel, I know what it's like to take a knife to my wrist. Mine was a superficial cut but the feelings were not. Please continue with your therapy. Best of luck to you.

 

appal_jack

(3,813 posts)
42. Glad you pulled-through. Welcome back to DU.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 10:39 AM
Jul 2014

Glad you pulled-through. Welcome back to DU.

I don't pretend to know about war or the military at all, but I am sure that the effects of PTSD are substantial and longer-lasting than I can imagine.

Hang in there: for you, for your wife, and most of all for your kids. I had a good friend in HS who had lost her dad to suicide. You don't want your kids to be in her shoes some years from now.

Like the Desiderata (by Max Ehrman) says, "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."



-app

TBF

(34,585 posts)
43. I'm glad you're ok -
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 12:19 PM
Jul 2014

thanks for sharing this with us.

(my dad came back physically wounded from Vietnam)

florida08

(4,106 posts)
45. Thom Hatrmann
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 12:45 PM
Jul 2014

Picked up your post and just read some of it on his show. Talked about hypnosis. He wrote a book called Walking your blues away in which he tells about bilaterality. He has had medical training in psychotherapy. Pretty interesting.

Skittles

(159,976 posts)
47. I visited my dad in the pysch ward when I was 14
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 03:16 PM
Jul 2014

he had heavily bandaged wrists and parts of his head was shaved (electrical shock treatments)....he did not recognize me, and it has stayed with me all my life. Please Victor, for yourself and especially for your children, do everything you can to get help and don't quit - if you don't hit it off with a therapist, get another one, and if the medicines don't feel right keep getting the dosages adjusted......never quit trying

 

lululu

(301 posts)
48. your kids and your wife need you. Your parents, too.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 04:36 PM
Jul 2014

I wish you all the best. Please keep them in mind. Loved ones never recover from someone's suicide.

RainDog

(28,784 posts)
49. hugs to you
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 04:58 PM
Jul 2014

compassion to you - there's a lot more I can say, but for now, just these things.

 

DocwillCuNow

(162 posts)
50. You are so not alone in your plight and I thank the stars that you came to your senses when you
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 05:47 PM
Jul 2014

did.... bless you brother, you are not alone. At the extreme risk of saying something that might appear stupid, may seem insensitive, may get my post hidden, or may be taken the wrong way, let me say this. I have watched several of the videos about this ceremony in Peru and if what people from all walks of life with all manner of issues say is true, it has processed out some very very heavy things. I don't know if this could be of any value to you.... however if this proves out for PTSD in the coming years I would feel amiss for not posting it. Please don't see any insensitivity here or anything less than true concern. Peace to you.

What I am hoping is that this method becomes legal in the U.S. cuz there are plenty of people who could potentially be blessed by it. Many other peoples' positive experiences will be available at the related videos on the right. I have watched many of them and have become a believer.

|

Warpy

(113,131 posts)
52. If you're on any sort of psych drugs, they will blunt your feelings
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 06:06 PM
Jul 2014

and that's part of the reason people take them. Feelings are fine if you've lived one of those charmed lives without war and/or human misery in it. They can be too much for a lot of survivors of a lot of terrible things. They don't have to be taken forever, but don't get a wild hair and stop them. Do it with your doctor's guidance.

I am glad you're still with us, even though I don't know you well.

TNNurse

(7,148 posts)
54. Glad we are able to read your words.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:09 PM
Jul 2014

It is tough out there for many people. It is good that you got help from the VA. Please continue your therapy. There is a wife and children who want and need you. You belong here too.

Coyote_Bandit

(6,783 posts)
55. I don't pretend
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:11 PM
Jul 2014

to know or understand the horrors you've seen.

But I have survived and healed after my own battle with PTSD (trauma not combat related).

And sadly I am witness to the ongoing struggles of two teenagers whose father was "successful" in his suicide attempt some 4 years ago.

I believe that you will find your way, that you will be open to the help available to you and that you will heal. You will win this fight for your very life and your life will be enriched because you will know what stuff is truly important in life. Hang in there.

I am so thankful you are here for more and far better experiences.

glinda

(14,807 posts)
56. Not just Vets but others understand also. I wish you
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:51 PM
Jul 2014

peace and that you can begin to foci upon not just keeping yourself strange for your family and yourself but that you may be able to help others at some point. Blessings my friend and thank you for everything.

shadowmayor

(1,325 posts)
57. War War War
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:04 PM
Jul 2014

Victor,

Thank your dear wife for all of us. I'm sure she's been mashed up by all of this, and I don't just mean the last month or so. I'm a vet from OIF3 or was it OIL? - spent a year in Abu Ghraib prison. No - we didn't find any WMD's or Osama bin Hidin' but I did see things I can't really explain or care to, to the rest of the population. War puts ash in your mouth, and nothing ever tastes right afterward. I am still trying to fight the VA for back and joint issues, but in the process my wife told me to seek a "check-up from the neck-up". Thank goodness. Nobody likes the stigma of PTSD and I don't talk about it much. Please be careful of the meds they hand out, they help you sleep but knock you down down down.

My only suggestion, and it's just that - check out any Veterans Service Centers in your area if possible. They have group and individual sessions and aren't part of the VA staff. Great people, and folks of all ages. We have a WWII vet, several Korean vets, Viet Nam vets, and of course Iraq and Afghanistan vets. Now Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.

Keep on keepin' on and don't let the monsters in your head or the bastards like Rumsfeld and Cheney have the last word!

Take care,

The Shadow Mayor

 

nikto

(3,284 posts)
58. Sounds as if you are reacting like a normal human being...
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 08:40 PM
Jul 2014

To what America asked you to do in its name.

That is an indictment of America, not you.

Sounds like you are just being human, and reacting to being a part of a vast, INHUMAN endeavor.


Just MO.


What you have seen, and what you must know,
is valuable to America.

More Americans need to know what YOU know.



I beseech you,
LIVE, and SHARE.

blondie58

(2,570 posts)
60. ((victor))
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:13 PM
Jul 2014

What an ordeal. I am so sorry that you went through that horrible ordeal.
Please know that we are Here for you.
Please take care.

 

WillyT

(72,631 posts)
61. I'm Not A Vet... My Dad Was... But... The Only Thing I've Ever Seen Work... For What It's Worth...
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 09:43 PM
Jul 2014

Is to try and learn from what happened... and then become a mentor/counselor to those going through the same thing.

If... IF... it works, you work out your own demons, by recognizing that the demons are not just yours.

And in healing others... you heal yourself.




Maraya1969

(23,014 posts)
62. I'm so glad that you are OK and have learned techniques to help you.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 10:35 PM
Jul 2014

I have been a member of this organization for about 30 years. I know you said you don't want advice but I would just like to share the link: https://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/our-method.asp

alfredo

(60,146 posts)
65. PTSD is forever, but you can survive it.
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 11:26 PM
Jul 2014

With help from the VA I went from really fucked up to a little fucked up. I can live with that.

BTW it took me 30 years to seek help for PTSD.

Glad you made it through your nightmare. Welcome home.



Dark n Stormy Knight

(10,041 posts)
67. Mental Health professionals do not believe that PTSD is necessicarily forever.
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 03:33 AM
Jul 2014

The memories may not go away, but PTSD isn't the memories--it's the intensely negative response, the anguish related to them.

Will my PTSD symptoms ever go away?

Over the first few weeks after a trauma, you will probably see things getting better and better. However, if your symptoms have lasted for two or three months, it is unlikely that they will go away on their own. The good news is that some very good short-term therapies have been developed that can help you recover from PTSD. The most carefully studied therapies, and those that have been found most effective, fall under the general category of cognitive behavior therapy. At this time, the treatments that have been shown most effective in treating PTSD are Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. These therapies combine skills training, education and strategies for coping with symptoms. A lot of studies have shown that these treatments can reduce PTSD symptoms, and many people who complete these treatments no longer have PTSD.

More from Mental Health America.

alfredo

(60,146 posts)
75. One still has to have reality checks from time to time. Am I reacting to the hear and now, or
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 09:27 AM
Jul 2014

am I responding to past trauma? Why do they do "skills training"? Don't confuse being symptom free with being cured.

Every trauma becomes a part of you. Skills are like a cane. It doesn't cure the bum knee, but it allows you to walk with less pain. Combine the cane and therapy, the bad knee becomes less of an issue. Life improves and you carry on.




“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” - Hunter S. Thompson

Dark n Stormy Knight

(10,041 posts)
77. PTSD *is* the symptoms. If one no longer ever experiences the symptoms, one
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 09:32 PM
Jul 2014

is cured. Some may never be totally free of those symptoms, true, but it's not impossible or unheard of for some with PTSD to be cured.

alfredo

(60,146 posts)
78. I guess my issue is with the term cured. I was in remission with Crohn's, but I still had the
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 10:28 PM
Jul 2014

disease. I learned how to avoid flare-ups of a disease that has no cure (last time I checked).

With PTSD, the damage is as real as my scarred Ileum. Memories are not of the ether, they are as real as the scarred tissue. They have a physical presence. The best you can do is build a fence around them, drug them, and learn a new route around and away from what triggers the symptoms.

Dark n Stormy Knight

(10,041 posts)
79. OK, yeah, it is generally believed that there is no "cure" for PTSD.
Thu Jul 24, 2014, 04:39 PM
Jul 2014

I was looking into it and found some interesting posts on https://www.myptsd.com, with various people discussing their thoughts about cure vs. recovery. There was also a good article on this topic by one of the staff members there. Not sure what his credentials are, but his ideas seem reasonable.

PTSD - Curable versus Treatable
Article in 'PTSD' published by anthony, Apr 24, 2014.

An often confused aspect of many sufferers of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is that they struggle with the concept between cure and treatment. PTSD has no cure, however; PTSD is treatable. There is a difference between both words definitions.

Curable vs. Treatable

By definition, curable means the disease can be completely eliminated, versus treatable, which means only the symptoms can be relieved. So... can you live a normal life with relieved symptoms? The answer is, yes!

Degree of Recovery

PTSD is not created equal, and you must accept that fact. There are diverse factors that affect overall recovery outcome. There are high-functioning persons, normal recovery outcomes with no further affect, low functioning and the bottom of the PTSD barrel where the person can't function in society and suffer daily symptoms the remainder of their life. People can start at the bottom of the barrel and fully recover with little to zero ongoing symptoms.

There are no hard facts about recovery outcomes for PTSD because all treatment options have different success rates, and it can take a person years, decades even, to find the treatment / therapist that worked for them uniquely. The below is an approximate recovery rate based on overall statistics using primary PTSD treatments. We start with a figure of 100% of persons diagnosed with PTSD.
•Approximately 60% will completely recover with no further symptoms.
•The next 35% have a varying level of recovery from full recovery that takes years, to partial recovery, yet allowing them to participate in life via employment, education, relationships and so forth.
•The remaining 5%, approximately, will have what is deemed life-time PTSD. This means they will never successfully hold full-time employment or be able to participate in life socially for extended periods, being days, maybe a week or two, before they get crushed by symptoms and need to adopt their retreat and management principles.
Is PTSD treatable? Absolutely! The recovery rate is exceptional for approximately 80% of sufferers. The remaining 20% can still have a vastly improved life by healing their trauma and learning how to manage PTSD.

Healing trauma does not mean forgetting about it. Healing trauma means removing the negative stigma that creates / heightens symptoms to extreme levels.

More at https://www.myptsd.com/c/thevault/ptsd-curable-versus-treatable.3/

Best wishes for healing to you and all PTSD sufferers.

KBlagburn

(571 posts)
66. As a vet I have been there...
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 11:53 PM
Jul 2014

My attempt was two years ago with sleeping pills. I have been inpatient and am still out patient. Take loads of meds. I fight the thoughts and urges every single day. I don't know if it will ever go away. I do know I will be glad when it is finally over. Whether that be tomorrow or twenty years from now. I am glad you have a supportive family

urbuddha

(363 posts)
68. Just think of all of the people who wished they had your problems
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 04:14 AM
Jul 2014

There are many people suffering in this world. If we can focus on
helping others and not ourselves that is what will make you feel
better. Do random acts of kindness anonymously.

alfredo

(60,146 posts)
76. It is better to feel pain than feel nothing.
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 09:34 AM
Jul 2014

I had to find a place where the joy outweighed the pain.

My PTSD predates the military, but more layers of trauma were added in the military.

intaglio

(8,170 posts)
69. One day at a time - one day at a time
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 04:45 AM
Jul 2014

Thank you for telling us. Tell us again another day how you are holding up

Ilsa

(62,265 posts)
70. I'm thankful you're better. Does your wife have the support
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 06:08 AM
Jul 2014

She needs to handle the kids and household and work? Does she have family and friends she can lean on?

PTSD is a bad mo****f*****. Please keep up your hard work in getting better. And it is damn hard work.

Sunlei

(22,651 posts)
73. Thank you, appreciate so much you took the time to write your experience for everyone.
Wed Jul 23, 2014, 07:16 AM
Jul 2014

I hope you can build many good memories for your family and you to enjoy. Not much time, an hour or two a couple times a week. A walk to a close park where everyone plays a game. To the airport or train station and count the trains, count the planes or ride a train if you have one close. Pony ride, or horseback ride, volunteer to pet the kitties and walk the dogs at your local shelter. A mini picnic at some grassy spot. Play your wifes favortite song and have a little dance with her. A night in the cabin at your close state park. These are the kind of memories I never forgot with my family and they temper bad memories, somehow give strength. "No matter what happened, everything will be ok"

Thanks again for your post, smooth sailing to you and your family!





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