My life is about to majorly change (for the better, I think)

[Victor_c3]

Around the summer of last year (25 June to be precise) I attempted suicide and was subsequently hospitalized for about 3.5 months in a VA psych ward. Since I was released my life hasn't gotten much better and my PTSD symptoms seemed to have stabilized and left me in a very bad state. I've attempted to return to work, but my performance pretty much sucks and everyone at work is scared of me. Apparently severe mental illness scares the crap out of people. So I've been urged by my employer to file for both SSDI and disability retirement from them as they believe that I'm unable to perform my job.

Anyways, today I was awarded 100% disability by the VA. I was given the caveat of being labelled "Total and Permanent Disabled". Basically that means that I'm open to a whole slew of benefits for my family (including financial compensation) and I'll never be re-evaluated or risk losing my benefits - and I'm 35 years old. So I have absolute income stability for the rest of my life. Not to gloat, but I'm totally going nuts right now.

Now I'm going to have to figure out what I want to do with myself. I have visions in my head of donating a lot of time to volunteering, but I'm not sure what would be appropriate for me. I have nothing wrong with my physically, I'm just cooked out in the head and have problems working in groups and loud places and following/remembering simple instructions.

Anyways, it's nice to have options in life. Again, I'm not trying to gloat too much, but I can't sit still right now and I feel like I have to tell anyone and everyone who'll listen. This is really exciting for me.

[sharp_stick]

1. I hope all goes very well for you Victor

and you're able to find peace.

Do you like being outside? Volunteer with the parks service or a trails foundation maintaining and hiking the trails in your community.

That's what I'd do anyway.

[upaloopa]

2. You might want to volunteer to work with other vets.

When I came back from Vietnam I volunteered to work with other Vietnam vets. All I really did was listen to them talk in a group session. They could only talk to people that they thought could identify with their situation.
You certainly qualify for that job.

[femmocrat]

3. Best wishes to you, Victor.

You are still very young with many years to accomplish what ever you choose.

[s-cubed]

4. So glad for you. You'll find something that suits you. nt

[2naSalit]

5. I have found that

dealing with my issues is tough but if you are interested, gardening is a great kind of therapy that may be a good fit or you since you have time on your hands. Working with mother earth is very healing.

And since planting season is upon us...

[pinboy3niner]

6. Congrats on your rating, but don't rule out work in your future

The rating doesn't bind you to NOT working. And it's not good for you to approach it with that state of mind.

Knowing you here, I know you're going through some tough stuff, but I do not see you as permanently unemployable no matter what the VA says. It's great that they're recognizing the damage war has done to you, but you're too bright and talented to acccept the notion that you can't work.

The replies about volunteering are great, but I think it would be a huge mistake to think that that is all you are relegated to or fit for. You're better than that, and don't ever doubt it.

It would be sad if you limited your dreams and ambitions just because of a VA rating. I see you as more the type of guy who would say fuck'em, thanks for the ratng but I'll fucking work if I want to!

Best wishes as always, brother.

[Victor_c3]

7. Thank you

Yes, I did realize that my rating doesn't bind me to not working and I'm taking that into consideration.

It's nice to be in the situation I'm in. I need to find something that I like to do and provides my life with meaning and I have the caveat of not having to do anything solely because I need the money.

In the short term I'm going to take some time off (they are working on retiring me from my federal government job under FERS disability. Given that I was awarded VA disability, FERS is pretty much a shoo-in for me) and work on myself for a bit. The doctors at the VA already have a couple of other therapies / groups they want me to attend every week.

This being disabled thing is no joke. It's a full-time job in itself just trying to manage my symptoms.

I agree, it would be a mistake for me to just give up and retire for good. At least for me, a lot of my identity has been what sorts of jobs I've held. I was proud of being an Infantry Officer and I was proud of being a chemist for the federal government. I felt like I made a difference and I hoped that I contributed somehow to our society.

I've always been kind of drawn to woodworking and furniture building. I would love to do something artistic and something with my hands. I really enjoy those sorts of things. Hell, as long as I break even, I don't even have to worry about turning a profit if I start my own business.

[Joe Chi Minh]

8. How great to read good news about a bureaucracy 'doing the right thing'

by another public servant, a vet who is really under the blackjack with PTSD. Doing their job, in fact ! Just fantastic news that you don't have to worry much about finances, with the option of various allowances for the family, too.

I'm reading a book about WWII by an American historian called Rick Atkinson, and, boy, did those infantrymen go through hell, particularly, in the Ardennes, prior to the Battle of the Bulge ! It was a real meat-grinder, they had such difficulty in finding replacements for the dead and injured, physically and/or mentally that one warrant officer complained that he had had to go behind a hill with one lad, to show him how to load his rifle ! This was on the battle-field, and the rifles were WWI vintage !

By the end of the war the list of acceptable handicaps of recruits, actually makes hilarious reading. 20/20 vision? Nah. One eye was fine ! It had been a joke up until then that they just counted your eyes ! Deaf in one ear was OK, too. Leprosy, malignant tumour, certifiable psychosis were still classified as non acceptable, but with the new drug, penicillin, twelve thousand venereal disease patients were inducted each month !

The book is called, Guns at Last Light. It's so brilliantly written, with so many quotes of the people involved, from privates to generals, I can never put it down when I want to. Everything else I need to do is put back from twenty minutes to three quarters of an hour.

[The River]

9. Just Don't Commit a Felony

you will loose the compensation.

[unhappycamper]

10. Congratulations my friend.

I'm very pleased for you.

[Victor_c3]

11. Thanks for the words

However, so far, I'm actually doing pretty bad. I was hospitalized a few weeks back and I feel like I'm about to go back again this Memorial Day weekend. I'm feeling extra crazy (I've started to see ghosts both during the day and night) and despite all of the treatment I'm receiving I still feel like crap.

I'm in a program at my local VA that I go to 5 days a week. Any given day I have between 2 and 4 psych appointments. The program is called PRRC and it stands for something along the lines of "psychosocial rehabilitation something or other". I get a free lunch every day I go and I actually enjoy the groups.

However I do get moments of clarity where things look positive and I actually am excited about the future and life. The one thing I need to constantly remind myself of is that feelings do pass and the negative ones are eventually replaced with positive ones.

Anyways I'm still around. I'm lurking and reading a lot but I just don't have anything to add to most conversations.

Thanks again.

[unhappycamper]

12. I just found this article:

Senate Panel OKs Letting VA Docs Give Advice on Medical Pot

That's some good news.

I have a back problem (30%) and the only thing that 'untightens' my back is some type of Kush. I have a Mass medical marijuana card but this state has been dragging their heels for over two years now.