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Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 10:38 AM Oct 2019

My father died on June 18th of this year - he was just shy of 87.

In the days leading up to his death, he was mostly bedridden and non-verbal.

On one occasion, however, my mother came into their bedroom and he was sitting up in bed with his arms out, as though he was trying to reach something. When my mom asked what he saw, he said: "Dad and mother"

Another time, not long after this, she heard him (seemingly) having a conversation with his Aunt Mary (she lived with him and my grandparents, when my dad was a child).

Finally, one morning after my dad was moved to hospice, the nurse asked if we knew anyone named "Billy". Apparently the previous evening, they heard him talking to someone by that name. As it turns out, Billy was his best friend who died in a boating accident just after my parents were married.

Two days later my father died.

As a Christian, it gives me some comfort to believe that just as our family was gathered around his bed during his last moment, there were others whom he loved (already deceased) who were there to welcome him into the afterlife.


But this is just a belief....it's not proof, nor should it be seen as proof.


It could simply be that as my father's brain was dying, it brought to the forefront memories of those people closest to him who had already died. And that he didn't really see my grandparents, his aunt, or his best friend...he was just remembering them.

So what do I think? What do I believe?

I'm not sure.

I imagine that there are some who feel strongly one way or another, but I also imagine that there are others like me who are not sure.

In any event, to all who believe, to all who do not believe, to all who question, and to all who are not sure....I wish you ALL well and peace.

Tim


47 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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My father died on June 18th of this year - he was just shy of 87. (Original Post) Pendrench Oct 2019 OP
No way of knowing. redwitch Oct 2019 #1
Hi redwitch - thank you very much. Pendrench Oct 2019 #2
This message was self-deleted by its author Chin music Oct 2019 #6
Hi Chin music - thank you very much for your kind words. Pendrench Oct 2019 #9
My dad passed away in March. He was also 87 mn9driver Oct 2019 #3
This message was self-deleted by its author Chin music Oct 2019 #5
Hi mn9driver - thank you for your response. Pendrench Oct 2019 #7
This message was self-deleted by its author Chin music Oct 2019 #4
I believe that toward death, the person hovers between the two planes. woodsprite Oct 2019 #8
Hi woodsprite - thank you for sharing your story. Pendrench Oct 2019 #13
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. littlemissmartypants Oct 2019 #10
Hi littlemissmartypants - Thank you very much. Pendrench Oct 2019 #14
My dad was 69 MFM008 Oct 2019 #11
Hi MFM008 - thank you for taking time to respond to my post. Pendrench Oct 2019 #15
thanks TIm MFM008 Oct 2019 #24
You're very welcome. Pendrench Oct 2019 #25
I have 'felt' ghosts since I was 8 yrs old. I have had visits from demigoddess Oct 2019 #12
Hi demigoddess - thank you for your reply to my post. Pendrench Oct 2019 #16
My grandmother was with my grandfather when he died in an institution applegrove Oct 2019 #17
Hi applegrove - thank you for sharing your story. Pendrench Oct 2019 #19
Vibes to you in your loss. applegrove Oct 2019 #20
Thank you - he was a great guy. Pendrench Oct 2019 #22
I cried all night the night my mom died. She had been sick for a while. applegrove Oct 2019 #23
Hi applegrove - You are correct, we all grieve differently, and I imagine that one day tears will Pendrench Oct 2019 #27
Hospice workers see this all the time and know that usually death is imminent. There are Karadeniz Oct 2019 #18
Hi Karadeniz - Thank you for replying to my post. Pendrench Oct 2019 #21
Shortly before my sister lost her power of speech, she told me she heard our Dad talking to her Siwsan Oct 2019 #26
Hi Siwsan - thank you for replying to my post. Pendrench Oct 2019 #28
I'm convinced I heard from my father, just after he died Siwsan Oct 2019 #32
The author David Kessler Kitchari Oct 2019 #29
Hi Kitchari - thank you for your kind words. Pendrench Oct 2019 #30
DMT Locrian Oct 2019 #31
Hi Locrian - thank you for sharing this article! Pendrench Oct 2019 #34
sure - good book here Locrian Oct 2019 #37
Excellent - thank you! Pendrench Oct 2019 #38
This is a very common phenomenon. MineralMan Oct 2019 #33
Hi MineralMan - thank you for responding to my post. Pendrench Oct 2019 #35
I think it will be impossible to pin down what those phenomena MineralMan Oct 2019 #36
Pen: Bretton Garcia Oct 2019 #39
Hi Bretton Garcia - thank you for your reply. Pendrench Oct 2019 #40
Strong natural family bonds help most of us, mostly Bretton Garcia Oct 2019 #43
Though historical reference to actual exemplary fathers is useful too. Bretton Garcia Oct 2019 #44
Thank you for sharing your story, and your belief as to the meaning. guillaumeb Oct 2019 #41
Hi Guill - thank you for responding and for your kind words. Pendrench Oct 2019 #42
Gil: if the "creation"/ or nature explains most of life? Bretton Garcia Oct 2019 #45
Yes, many religions do anthropomorphize their experience. guillaumeb Oct 2019 #46
Yes. A manlike God is partly a familiar handle or reference for men. Bretton Garcia Oct 2019 #47

redwitch

(15,084 posts)
1. No way of knowing.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 10:43 AM
Oct 2019

But really comforting to think of being greeted at the human rainbow bridge someday. Condolences on the loss of your dad.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
2. Hi redwitch - thank you very much.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 10:47 AM
Oct 2019

As you can probably guess, I thought that my dad was a wonderful man.

More than anything else, he loved his family - especially my mom.

And he absolutely adored his grandchildren.

He is greatly missed, but he left us with many happy memories that we'll cherish forever.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Tim

Response to Pendrench (Reply #2)

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
9. Hi Chin music - thank you very much for your kind words.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 11:21 AM
Oct 2019

You know, it's funny....I find myself talking to him every day.

Now, I don't mean that I can actually hear him or anything like that, but sometimes I'll be out walking, and I'll just say something out loud, like:

"Hey Dad, what did you think about the Orioles game last night?"

or

"Hey Dad, you won't believe what happened to me....."

If he does reply, however, I'll be sure to let people know

Tim

mn9driver

(4,586 posts)
3. My dad passed away in March. He was also 87
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 10:54 AM
Oct 2019

I witnessed the same behavior. He was speaking to his parents, and old friends who had gone before him. Regardless of whether it was “real” or not, it was comforting to know that he saw himself surrounded by a host of his family and friends at the end.

Response to mn9driver (Reply #3)

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
7. Hi mn9driver - thank you for your response.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 11:17 AM
Oct 2019

I agree...it was very comforting for us as well.

So sorry for your loss...hope you and your family are doing well.

Tim

Response to Pendrench (Original post)

woodsprite

(12,232 posts)
8. I believe that toward death, the person hovers between the two planes.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 11:18 AM
Oct 2019

I've thought about it a lot. My father saw his brother by his bedside for several days before he passed. He saw others come and go, but I can't remember who he said they were. He acted like he knew them, but I didn't recognize some of the names. I was young and thought it was really creepy.

Fast forward 11 years, and I'm in the hospital with my Mom. My brother and I knew that the end was not far off. She was passing from complications from Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC). As we sat with her one evening, she was talking to someone on the other side of the bed than where we were. When I asked who was visiting, she was irked at me because it was her brother (my Uncle Harry). According to her, he hadn't been gone so long that I should have forgotten him. He had passed away 3 years earlier. She said "Don't you see him?"

I tried to see something (if it was a shadow, the way the curtain fell, etc). I ended up telling her "Mom, I'm not going to say that Uncle Harry isn't there, but I'm just telling you that *I* can't see him. She seemed fine after that, although she continued to hold a conversation with him. I had to get home to my husband and new baby for the night, so I told her I'd be back in the morning, but to have a nice visit with Uncle Harry. I told Uncle Harry to keep watch over Mom until I returned.

When I returned the next morning, Mom was sitting up in bed and they were trying to get her to take some food. Within an hour, she had passed.

So yeah, I believe we can see across the plane.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
13. Hi woodsprite - thank you for sharing your story.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 01:20 PM
Oct 2019

I'm so glad to hear that you were with you mom when she passed...I wasn't sure how I would react (this was the first time I was in the same room when someone died), but when it happened, I felt a great sense of peace, and I was so glad that I was there with him.

Probably the biggest thing I miss was his sense of humor. He always used to say that when he died, he wanted his casket full of ice and beer so people could enjoy themselves. Well, we weren't able to do that, but my one nephew was sure to place a can of his favorite beer in there with him before they closed the casket.

He would have LOVED that

Wishing you well and peace.

Tim

littlemissmartypants

(25,714 posts)
10. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 12:06 PM
Oct 2019

Having been at the bedside myself several times, as part of my work, when people have passed on or were about to pass on, I can tell you that what you are reporting is somewhat common. Some attribute it to spiritual reasons while others interpret it as a reflection of the neurological and metabolic changes that accompany dying. I say whatever gives you the most comfort would be the interpretation I would follow. Again, sorry for your loss with hope you find comfort in the memories your dad left behind. ❤

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
14. Hi littlemissmartypants - Thank you very much.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 01:29 PM
Oct 2019

I agree - I would like to believe that loved ones who have died before us can reach out to us as we are near death, but I also acknowledge (as you mention) that this could simply be the "neurological and metabolic changes that accompany dying".

I suppose the true lesson here is that we (the living) should treat others well while they are alive, so we don't have any regrets when they are no longer with us.

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace.

Tim

MFM008

(20,008 posts)
11. My dad was 69
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 12:10 PM
Oct 2019

Way to young.
I pray my parents will be there for me
Even if its a mind trick of a dying brain.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
15. Hi MFM008 - thank you for taking time to respond to my post.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 01:34 PM
Oct 2019

You are so right...69 is way too young.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I know that they say that hearing is one of the last senses to go, I would like to think that my dad was aware that we were in the same room with him and that he also felt that those who passed before him were with him, too, even if (as you say) it was a mind trick of a dying brain.

Wishing you well and peace.

Tim

demigoddess

(6,675 posts)
12. I have 'felt' ghosts since I was 8 yrs old. I have had visits from
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 12:47 PM
Oct 2019

loving relatives. Oddly not the religious ones. the agnostic ones. But once my father visited and my daughter, severely retarded daughter, apparently saw him and smiled at him and I felt him give a really big smile to her. I say spirits are real and it doesn't require believing in God in life. I do not believe that belief is required to go to heaven.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
16. Hi demigoddess - thank you for your reply to my post.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 01:45 PM
Oct 2019

I'm in total agreement that the lack of belief does not exclude anyone from heaven.

In fact. even though I'm a Christian (Catholic), I believe that if there is a god, he/she/it cares about how we treat each other, especially those in most need, rather than what we believe or do not believe.

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace

Tim

applegrove

(123,448 posts)
17. My grandmother was with my grandfather when he died in an institution
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 05:56 PM
Oct 2019

Last edited Fri Oct 4, 2019, 03:11 AM - Edit history (1)

out of town. She thanked the doctor in such a way that the doctor cried. She went back to the motel alone that night. At one point that night she saw grandad flying away waving bye bye. She blurted out this story at dinner the next week. She was not someone given to blurting or visions. And we all shed a tear. So too he when he had altzheimers' and had been incoherent for such a long time he suddenly had a clear rememberance of getting off the boat after WWII and seeing my grandmother through the fog and he said "and there was my Margaret" and he cried. I don't think there are too many mistakes in how we naturally handle things or what our brains give us at important times. Back when we lived in villages it was all we had as resources. I call it evolution but you could call it religion and we would both be right. Both comforting things. Now the weird part. When my grandfather had Altzheimers' in Ottawa he would often say to my grandmothet I'm going home to mother. His mother was long dead and had lived on King Street in Brockville. When he went into nursing care in ottawa, granny had protected us from the worst of it in an effort to protect him, he was pretty soon deemed too violent. He had had a brain injury in WWII but was capable until he got altzheimers'. So he was moved to an asylum on King Street in Brockville. That's where he died... mere blocks from where he was born and 1.5 hours from Ottawa where he had lived for 50 years. What we find comforting gives those we love comfort too. We are all in this together. Your father was giving you a gift... one more time and comforting you.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
19. Hi applegrove - thank you for sharing your story.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 09:23 PM
Oct 2019

I have to admit that I have never had an experience similar to your grandmother's....I've only heard of them from other family members.

Other than the experience with my father, the earliest one I remember is when my great aunt died (I was 12 at the time)...she was the first person that I knew who passed away. Anyway, my sister who was 10 at the time told us that the night that our aunt died, she saw an image of her when looking in the mirror. Of course this could have just been my sister's imagination, but it gave her comfort at that time.

And then years later, just before my grandfather died, he told those in the hospital room with him that he was talking to Julie...his granddaughter (my cousin) who died when she was only 11 years old.

Perhaps it was just a function of his brain as he was dying, and perhaps my sister was just a child with an active imagination.

I don't know...

In any case, thank you again - wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
22. Thank you - he was a great guy.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 09:34 PM
Oct 2019

The funny thing is, I don't think that I've cried once since he died.

It's not that I don't miss him - I do, every single day - but perhaps it's because I don't have any regrets.

He lived to a good age, other than the last several weeks he was in pretty good health and still mentally alert. We saw each other often (probably several times a week), and he was well loved and admired by family and friends.

In short, he had a very good life.

I wonder if tears will come when it gets closer to his birthday (November 29) or when we get closer to the holidays.

Perhaps, I guess I'll see.

Thank you again.

Tim

applegrove

(123,448 posts)
23. I cried all night the night my mom died. She had been sick for a while.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 09:50 PM
Oct 2019

Last edited Thu Oct 3, 2019, 11:52 PM - Edit history (1)

Then i had nothing for the funeral. But then i'm on big meds for ptsd. They say everyone grieves differently. I have some regrets about my mom. So even though she asked me 4 weeks before that she wanted to be gone and i southed her on that and the family was around, maybe i knew i'd be dealing with regrets for a long while afterwards and i was scared and very sad and and we could no longer go for short walks outside and i missed that already so her dying was not as peaceful for me as it was for you. I wish we could have done assisted dying and cut off my mom's unhappy death by 4 weeks. She was ready then. I saw her 5 to 6 days a week for those last years. Don't know. I'll be assessing our relationship for the rest of my life. So no peace for me. My mom and i are both not perfect and made mistakes but both good eggs who would never intentionally hurt anybody else. We are just naive and were swayed by others outside the family. But i'd rather be us than them. So i've gotten that far in 4 years. I am passive like her and have her divergent thinking. Those are some of the things that make me happy these days. So i owe her a lot.

Bet you you'll be driving home in the car during a light rain at night and lights will be all smokey and foggy around you on the streets and you'll think of your dad and cry because he was lucky and so well loved and gave you beauty and joy and life.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
27. Hi applegrove - You are correct, we all grieve differently, and I imagine that one day tears will
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 07:42 AM
Oct 2019

come.

Just after he died, in fact it may have been the day he died, I was driving alone in my car listening to the radio, and Gilbert O'Sullivan's song "Alone Again, Naturally" came on. If you now the song, there is a line that says:

"I remember I cried when my father died, never wishing to hide the tears"

Maybe it was because I know that my dad and I shared an absurd sense of humor, but instead of crying, I actually laughed and said out loud:

"Really??!!"

I'd like to think that was his way of letting me know that he was still with me


Wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Karadeniz

(23,455 posts)
18. Hospice workers see this all the time and know that usually death is imminent. There are
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 09:03 PM
Oct 2019

Several books out that are collections of health care workers experiences with deathbed visions. They don't discount them.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
21. Hi Karadeniz - Thank you for replying to my post.
Thu Oct 3, 2019, 09:28 PM
Oct 2019

I definitely would like to learn more about this - so I will try to find some of these books

Just before my dad died, the hospice worker could tell that it would be soon, so my mom called my brother, my sister and me and we were able to be there (with our spouses and children) in time before he was gone.

Best to you - wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Siwsan

(27,321 posts)
26. Shortly before my sister lost her power of speech, she told me she heard our Dad talking to her
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 07:41 AM
Oct 2019

She had no doubt it was his voice she was hearing and she took comfort in hearing him. He died in 1999. She died in January of 2015.

Before my grandmother died, she was overheard holding conversations, in her native language, with what we assumed were deceased family members.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
28. Hi Siwsan - thank you for replying to my post.
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 07:44 AM
Oct 2019

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your sister...but I'm glad to hear that she was comforted by hearing your father's voice.

Wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Siwsan

(27,321 posts)
32. I'm convinced I heard from my father, just after he died
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 09:21 AM
Oct 2019

I've told this story, before, so pardon if you've already read it. Just before my Dad died, in hospice, I opened the window and suggested he go out and see the beautiful birds that were gathered at the pond. Shortly after that suggestion, he died.

A few days after that I was walking along the road and a big, beautiful plume feather floated down, in front of me. I looked up and there were no birds in sight. I figured that was just Dad, letting me know he enjoyed his time with the birds.

Kitchari

(2,411 posts)
29. The author David Kessler
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 08:21 AM
Oct 2019

has written extensively on this--he was a colleague of Dr. Kubler Ross. He calls them "crowded rooms," and the experiece is frequent. Condolences to you and your family on your father's passing.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
30. Hi Kitchari - thank you for your kind words.
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 08:55 AM
Oct 2019

I will try to locate a copy of Dr. Ross's book

Wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
34. Hi Locrian - thank you for sharing this article!
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 09:46 AM
Oct 2019

This is very interesting - I definitely would like to delve deeper into these types of experiences.

The brain/mind is truly incredible.

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace!

Tim

Locrian

(4,523 posts)
37. sure - good book here
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 10:31 AM
Oct 2019
https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Mind-Consciousness-Transcendence/dp/1594204225

How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence Hardcover – May 15, 2018
by Michael Pollan (Author)

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
38. Excellent - thank you!
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 03:27 PM
Oct 2019

I've been meaning to read Pollan's "The Omnivore’s Dilemma" so I will also add this to my reading list.

Thanks again!

Tim

MineralMan

(147,837 posts)
33. This is a very common phenomenon.
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 09:28 AM
Oct 2019

I've seen it myself in aging people. There is no way to completely understand what dying people "see" or "experience" in their last days. Such things could easily be hallucinations fed by old memories. Often, especially in people who are under hospice care, dosages of opioids to relieve pain can reach levels that affect the brain's thinking processes. Diminishing oxygen levels in the bloodstream, too, can trigger false perceptions.

Since we can't measure such things, it is probably a mistake to ascribe them to anything in particular. Similar experiences are a commonplace, though. I'm not sure we can infer anything from them.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
35. Hi MineralMan - thank you for responding to my post.
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 10:00 AM
Oct 2019

Very well said - it may well be that these experiences are memories/hallucinations triggered by changing brain chemistry.

Speaking only for myself, although (as a Christian) I would like to believe that loved ones who previously died were there for my dad, I also think that it is imperative for me to learn more about these experiences before classifying them as life-after-death communications.

Definitely a fascinating subject!

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace

Tim

MineralMan

(147,837 posts)
36. I think it will be impossible to pin down what those phenomena
Fri Oct 4, 2019, 10:12 AM
Oct 2019

indicate, really. The person who is dying can't help explain, and we have no real tools available to investigate what is happening.

In my opinion, it matters very little. If there is comfort in them for the person experiencing them, that is enough, really.

Bretton Garcia

(970 posts)
39. Pen:
Sat Oct 5, 2019, 09:11 AM
Oct 2019

I guess we could say that if your father's loved ones, their friendly deeds, lived on in his memory, his brain, their "spirit" lived on. In his memory. And comforted him.

In my opinion, that's one of the meanings of a lot of "spirit" talk. In Christianity and other religions. As you might suggest in part, there's no need to call that supernatural. Or religious.

You might call it one of the natural wonders of nature. And specifically of the material human brain.

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
40. Hi Bretton Garcia - thank you for your reply.
Sat Oct 5, 2019, 11:32 AM
Oct 2019

I agree that this could be the case - and if it was his memories that gave him comfort, I'm very glad of that.

One thing I do know for sure, the memories of my dad continue to bring comfort to me.

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Bretton Garcia

(970 posts)
43. Strong natural family bonds help most of us, mostly
Sat Oct 5, 2019, 06:23 PM
Oct 2019

Last edited Fri Oct 11, 2019, 06:38 AM - Edit history (1)

The fact that the Christian god is often called a "Father" is probably designed to try to gather in, incorporate, co-opt, that kind of natural thing. Into religion.Though I'm not sure how successful that incorporation is in turn, overall.

I usually prefer to typically take in my family bonds straight from the local sources.

Bretton Garcia

(970 posts)
44. Though historical reference to actual exemplary fathers is useful too.
Fri Oct 11, 2019, 06:58 AM
Oct 2019

Last edited Sat Oct 12, 2019, 06:41 AM - Edit history (1)

And personal examples.

guillaumeb

(42,649 posts)
41. Thank you for sharing your story, and your belief as to the meaning.
Sat Oct 5, 2019, 03:12 PM
Oct 2019

My own belief is that we are all a part of creation, and the Creator. And that the essence of who we are never really dies, it simply transforms.

Guill

Pendrench

(1,389 posts)
42. Hi Guill - thank you for responding and for your kind words.
Sat Oct 5, 2019, 04:23 PM
Oct 2019

As a Christian, it is my hope and belief that my dad was actually visited by family and friends who had already died, but I also have to admit that there is part of me that understands and thinks that it could have been a natural function of his brain.

So I really don't know.

In any case, I am glad that my dad was comforted by this experience

Thank you again - wishing you well and peace.

Tim

Bretton Garcia

(970 posts)
45. Gil: if the "creation"/ or nature explains most of life?
Sat Oct 12, 2019, 06:54 AM
Oct 2019

Especially as explained in great and provable detail by science and reason? (Which might in religious terms be called the study of "Creation"?)

Then the religious addition of hopelessly speculative ideas on a manlike "creator" behind all that in turn, seems somewhat superfluous and simplistically anthropomorphic to many of us.

guillaumeb

(42,649 posts)
46. Yes, many religions do anthropomorphize their experience.
Sat Oct 12, 2019, 10:42 AM
Oct 2019

As to simplistic, I disagree. Perhaps most of us (theists) recognize that the Creator cannot be explained by humans. We ascribe motivation to the Creator because we are motivated by certain things. This tendency is an effort to understand the Creator, to relate to the Creator.

Bretton Garcia

(970 posts)
47. Yes. A manlike God is partly a familiar handle or reference for men.
Sat Oct 12, 2019, 11:45 AM
Oct 2019

Or a metaphor.

But eventally the metaphor fails to accurately describe the Nature we and science observe all around.

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