Please universe - help me have a better relationship with my coworker...

[rbnyc]

When a person treats me badly, I usually spend a lot of time soul-searching and evaluating my behavior and itemizing my faults and all the reasons that person is justified in being frustrated with me, or judging me, or hating me, or treating me with disrespect. I know I make a lot of mistakes and I’m sure I can be very annoying.

It’s been the hardest lesson for me to learn – and I still don’t know this in my heart – that I don’t have to be perfect or beyond reproach to deserve to be treated well. I have faults and make mistakes and can surely be a frustrating person to know – but if a person spends all day making snide comments about me and my work and speaking to me disrespectfully, that person is a bitch. Not everyone has to like me, but everyone does have to treat me with respect.

I stood up for myself today. I had to. I’ll tell you, I don’t really feel better. I feel anxious and guilty and sick. I resent being in this situation.

The world is hard enough and full of enough ugliness - why do people have to create more of that?

I don’t know how to let go and not let it bother me – the constant derision. This person cannot be removed from my environment, and the only way I can remove myself is to give up something I love and don’t want to give up.

I am asking for strength and serenity.

Please universe, I did not stand up for myself to escalate the situation – please let things be better tomorrow. And please let my actions serve love and peace and truth and help keep me from hating back.

[elleng]

1. Dear rb, EVERYONE makes mistakes, every day,

and no one deserves to be treated badly. 'Simple' as that.

We notice we've made a mistake, we learn not to do it again, and go on from there.

Those treating us badly are WRONG, and should be ignored/forgotten/walked away from, and their 'badness' never taken to heart.

[rbnyc]

2. Thank you.

Never taken to heart....

Thank you!

[Ricochet21]

3. I took one look at your chart

In my opinion:

This has NOTHING to do with the co-worker.

You need a better relationship with the PART OF YOU that wants to assert yourself.
That's WHY this is happening. It happens all the time to people here because we are mostly
giving, gentle folks. You are being challenged by Pluto and Saturn at the same time.
Your chart is the chart of an OVER-APPEASER. Appeasing in situations where you don't
really want to. A long, social HABIT.

I firmly believe (this is the content of my next book) that all you have to do IS TO ALLOW YOURSELF
to stand up directly to this person, not angrily or aggressively,

and it will dissappear right away - the problem that is.

Allow yourself to be firm, you're already intelligent. This was God's answer to you.
He answers all of us thru each other.

I don't need to wish you good luck but because this is your answer and I can tell
that you will put it to use right away.

Blessings!
Rick

p.s. Sometimes when a leech has attached itself to you (energy sucker) you may have to use "force" to get rid of it. It's ok to do so.

[rbnyc]

4. Thank you...

...I tried standing up to her before, but I did it apologetically.

Tonight I did it angrily.

I guess I have to do it directly.

It's hard, but I think you're right.

Just got news right after I posted this that there was a death in my family. It's horrible, but suddenly, this situation doesn't seem so overwhelming.

Sad day.

But thank you again. Very helpful.

[Ricochet21]

10. I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle

blessings to you and your family

[kimmerspixelated]

5. O, Man I can so relate to this!

But I think Ric's response is exactly right.

Allow yourself to be firm, you're already intelligent. This was God's answer to you.
He answers all of us thru each other.

Best of luck to you! I have the same issues, actually happening now, not at work, though.

[murielm99]

6. I could have written your post.

And usually, if I do stand up for myself, I do it the wrong way. And I feel ashamed. I think I somehow deserve to be treated badly.

I like Rick's answer to you. I hope things get better for you.

[Tsiyu]

7. Sometimes we think we have to work ourselves up

into anger to "justify" speaking up for ourselves.

I still do that. It's almost as if we can't speak up for ourselves without getting into that uncomfortable place, as if the anger feeds our courage to say something.

All of the past comes rushing into our heads, and we lash out at all of it?

I've had to learn to defend myself without the rage, and it's a struggle. So I practice how I will say something first. It doesn't always keep me from getting too emotional or showing my anger, but the "script" helps me put into words what I feel I need to say.

Next time this person gets derisive, maybe you could try to stop her by calmly asking, "Why do you do that?" "Do what?" "Feel you have to talk to me that way. It's not productive and I think you're better than that."

This person, going on gut here, probably has a lot of unmet needs and issues in her own life. She probably gets pleasure out of your pain, or she may even be oblivious to her own demeanor.

Asking her "why?" without emotion or anger - as if YOU are the one in control ( and you are ) may make her think about her actions and how she is coming across to others. Or Not lol

Just a thought, but you know the situation better than any of us.

Sending you wishes for peace and strength today

[rbnyc]

8. thank you...

...I'll keep your words with me. And everyone's here.

I'm off.

[Ricochet21]

11. It is my CLEAR experience

and will be the subject of the next book: if you don't "stand up for yourself" the "universe" (your unconscious) will bring
some "other" to jump all over you.

I see it every day.

You can get angry, and firm and direct; that's much more effective than you losing your Libra cool.
Good luck

[Sweet Freedom]

9. I understand how you feel :)

My "coworker" was my husband and I went through what Rick is describing (and to some extent, am still learning in all relationships).

Here's a thought for you...Be your own best friend. My girlfriends and I have been practicing this. We realize that we treat our friends better than we treat ourselves. We give them the greatest advice, we're always there for them and we always stand up for them. We love them so much and don't want them to hurt in any way. But we don't do this for ourselves. (One friend suggested to me I envision my heart and soul as my own child. I immediately had a different perspective on what I was worth.)

So, next time this happens, picture yourself defending your best friend or your child. See if that gives you the strength you need.

[Ricochet21]

12. Exactly! SF!

I love your description of defending the inner child! Great!

[Sweet Freedom]

13. Thank you

That thought so clicked for me and it's really made a difference in how I treat myself.

[SheilaT]

14. Several years ago I had a coworker I was having trouble

getting along with. She was, in my experience with her, prickly and oversensitive, rude and judgmental. I was going crazy and then I decided to knit her a scarf for Christmas, since I knew there was some kind of present exchange in that small office. I spent time deciding what color and kind of yarn to buy, and then just did a simple knit stitch scarf.

A couple of days before Christmas itself I asked her exactly how things worked at that office, and she explained how they did it. "And then you and I exchange gifts, right?" I asked. "No. You and I don't exchange gifts," she said rather sharply.

So I never gave her the scarf, but the process of knitting it helped enormously. I cannot make something for someone and put hate or even dislike into it. When I'm making something with a particular person in mind, I can only put in good thoughts and positive energy. Our relationship improved, at least in my perspective, but it was getting to be time to make another scarf for her around the time I left the job anyway.

[rbnyc]

15. I love that.

Today, many folks in the office knew I had a death in the family. I think she figured it out by early afternoon, and mellowed a bit. Then I came across something that was very funny - in a way that I knew she would appreciate more than anyone else, because it related to something she's always talking about. So I brought it to her and told her, "When i saw this, i knew you would really get this." and she did. And I think she was grateful or at least relieved to have some common ground - something she could say to me that wasn't a complaint, gripe, undermining remark or other expression of contempt.

I think she does genuinely dislike me and she just can't hold it in. It's probably painful for her too.