My husband passed away 1/26/17

[Marthe48]

He was diagnosed with cancer 10 months before he died and had chemo and radiation almost the whole time. We knew when he was diagnosed that he didn't have much of a chance, which didn't make it easier to accept his death. We were married 45 1/2 years. We had a loving relationship and I miss him. We both wanted to beat the odds, but it didn't work out.
I have a lot of support from family and friends. I have a little bit too much support from my sister and I would like her to dial it back. We aren't that close and I stopped sharing really personal stuff with her a long time ago. I am grateful that she calls and texts, but I'd be more comfortable with less. I sometimes don't answer the phone when she calls. Has anyone else had so much support they would like a break from it? Should I tell her that less is better? She is a fragile alcoholic, so I don't want to be cruel.
My children, friends and other relatives stay in touch with a frequency I am more comfortable dealing with.
Thanks for any replies. I understand that dealing with losses is never easy.

[Chasstev365]

1. Very Sorry!

[Marthe48]

8. Thank you Chasstev

Thank you Chasstev

[WhiteTara]

2. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I dread the day that I lose my partner of 30 years. I have no advice. Follow your heart.

[Marthe48]

9. Thank you White Tara

Thank you

[Marthe48]

23. Anyway, just live in the moment

John found out years ago that he had a mild form of asbestosis. We found out that it would probably affect his life span. And we found out last year that esophageal cancer has been linked to asbestos. We made sure we lived happy in spite of the cloud hanging over our heads. He made me laugh every morning even before we had coffee. I wasn't as quick as he was and I loved it when I could get him to laugh and say, 'good one'. I miss the humor the most, so I have some joke sites and I try to read a joke or 2 every morning. Or make a joke to myself if I see something silly.
Try not to think of the time you'll be apart. Enjoy the time you have right now. Make memories. Take care.

[cilla4progress]

3. Blessings to you!

And hugs. Glad you have a supportive community. So sorry for your loss. Thank you for bringing it here.

[Marthe48]

10. Thank you Cilla

Thank you Cilla

[GP6971]

4. My wife of 31 years passed away

from cancer and same scenario...when diagnosed she was at stage 4, but we never lost hope.

I had some very over bearing sisters-in-law who wanted me to sue. I finally had to tell them to knock it off. I also received calls and emails and I usually let them sit for a couple of days before I would respond and would be noncommittal on anything I said. I had the advantage of them being far away so I didn't run into them, but I approached their calls and emails with kind of an aloofness...I know they wanted to help but I gradually convinced them that I'm moving on...bit by bit. As you continue to cope and heal their calls, emails etc. will get less frequent.

[Marthe48]

11. Thank you GP

My sister lives about 3 hrs away, it helps

[GP6971]

14. Your welcome

I know what you're going through and very gradually things will get to a new norm for you. It's basically reengineering yourself after being lovingly tied at the hip for so long.

Hang in there!!

[LisaM]

5. I'm sorry about your husband. As for your sister....

I don't know her, but maybe she considers this a loss for herself, too? It sounds as if she needs to get through the bereavement period also. If it doesn't slack off, though, then I think you need to say something (gently) to her that at this point in your healing, you need a little space.

[Marthe48]

15. Thank you Lisa

I'm sure she does. She married a good friend of my husband and we met them the same day, so the relationships go back a long way for all of us. Our family has lost numerous loved ones. I tend to shut down now, while she gets emotional enough for both of us. If I do say anything, then she'll get all emotional about that. I'm dealing with a loss that affects every part of my life. But I'm not wired to talk it out with somebody. Hospice called me 2 days ago offering bereavement support. I don't want to see any of them or the cancer center staff or home health nurses. I'm writing a journal and I know I'm not in a good place. It is funny that someone who is sparking an emotion is my sister. Ha. Maybe she is doing me some good after all. She prompted me to reach out.

[Skittles]

43. I agree with LisaM

I think your sister is grieving too.....everyone grieves in their own way

be kind to her; alcoholism is a terrible thing

when she starts getting too emotional, ask her if you can talk about something else....it's a problem when someone needs you but you feel emotionally spent

[luvMIdog]

6. I am so very sorry for your loss

If you feel you need support there are support groups online & also you might check around your area. If you feel you do not need it and are doing okay, then just go with what you are comfortable with. I see nothing wrong with telling your sister that you have appreciated her support but that you would like more alone time. Your life has changed & it is a large adjustment. I hope the best for you.

[Marthe48]

17. Thank you luvMIdog

From previous experience, I know there are a lot of resources. Right now, I'm better at being solitary. If you know any sites that you liked, pls let me know.

[manicraven]

7. My heart goes out to you at this time. It must be a huge adjustment and very painful!

Glad you have lots of support and are taking care of yourself. Regarding your sister, maybe just do what you're doing and don't answer the phone when you're needing time to yourself? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. At least that way you won't hurt her feelings either. Sometimes I just turn off my phone until I'm ready to engage, or maybe just say that you need a little space right now while you sort through things...

[Marthe48]

18. Thank you manicraven

Yes, being patient with her. She posted on Facebook tonight and I wished she'd sent a private message. Which set me off.

[gwheezie]

12. I'm very sorry for your loss.

My husband died 3 years ago, I had to throw people out of his room the last 2 weeks at his request because he had said what he wanted to & was disconnecting himself from life. I was in fragile control of my own emotions so was not as tactful as I could have been. I sent my daughter home & actually told my sister she shouldn't have driven 200 miles because he didn't want visitors. Everyone got over it.
1st I had to take care of him at the end, after he died I had to take care of myself & didn't want to talk all the time or have to answer how I was doing. I was crushed by grief, I knew I would go through it & come out the other side but I felt I needed to take care of my grief on my own terms.
Anyway I had to set limits. I kept track of myself as far as eating, sleeping,brushing my teeth & reached out when I had to but I didn't answer my phone whenever it rang. If that's what you have to do, it's OK.

[Marthe48]

19. Thank you gwheezie

I am sorry for your loss. I understand about company. John was good up to the last 2 days. Our kids and grandkids wanted to be there for him and me. If they stayed too long, it wore us out and we didn't want the grandkids to see their Grandpa hooked up to the feeding tube and all that. But we didn't know how to say no. I would be upset after they left, but I'm glad now that we didn't limit their visits. And no one else stayed too long.
It has been just 5 weeks. I have a really good picture of John where I can see it. Vegging is good. I'm keeping an eye on myself, as you say. I appreciate hearing that it is ok to ignore the phone. Thank you.

[Rorey]

41. People mean well

But sadly they don't always know the right thing to do. And, as you know, the right thing is an individual thing. I'm glad everyone got over it, as they should have.

[Useless in FL]

13. My sincerest sympathy, Marthe48

I am so glad you have support....

[Marthe48]

20. Thank you in FL

I can't imagine you are useless!

[Warpy]

16. I'm so sorry you're going through this

It's OK to send your calls to voice mail and answer only the ones you want to. You didn't cause your sister's alcoholism or her fragility and sometimes you need to take care of yourself, first, before you can take care of anyone else. Now is one of those times.

As you begin to heal, you will be able to tolerate her a little better.

Like they tell you in the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on first, then worry about other people.

[Marthe48]

21. Thank you, Warpy

It helps to hear that I should put my oxygen on first. That is such a good way to put it. Thanks!

[sprinkleeninow]

37. What Warpy said and all the others' insightful contributions.

Be by yourself if you feel the need. Reach out when you need to do that.
When I lost close loved ones, sometimes I just needed me, myself and I to reflect quietly. In those quiet times is when 'help' comes unexpectedly.
May your husband's memory be eternal, and may you receive the peace surpassing understanding.
Love to you, my sister in humanity.

[Marthe48]

45. Thank you sprinkleeniow

I need the quiet time. Hope you get lifted from your losses. I really needed validation. Thank you.

[lunasun]

22. I wish you peace . Condolences

Maybe just use the "it's not you its me " thing and tell her thanks for the attention and comfort but from here on you need more space to heal on your own and you will call/text /fb her if she doesn't mind after you take a retreat at home because you need quiet time to think , reflect , and grieve . She knows this came after 45 years so she should trust you know what's best for you now. It's honest not cruel.

Also she may be doing this for her own unrecognized therapy , the need to take care of someone or avoid her own issues , etc. and you don't need that so be careful
Peace

[Marthe48]

24. Thank you lunasun

It would be hard to be as honest as you suggest, because your last comment would come into play. But I have gotten some excellent advice just in the last hour and I feel like I can make it through the next few days. I know that on DU, I am among friends, and I'm glad I found this group. Thank you for taking the time to advise.

[notdarkyet]

25. Everyone stayed away from me when my husband died. We all did

What needed to be done and they were gone. We were all grieving in our own ways. Took years to get back our relationships. Set some boundaries, tell her you have lots to do, need time to be alone. My husband died jan13,2007 the day before my birthday. 26 years. So I know how hard it can be. She might take it wrong but you are in a fragile place and need to get used to your new situation. Worry about your feelings.

[Marthe48]

46. Thank you notdarkyet

That is so sad to hear and I'm sorry you have an anniversary to remember the day before your birthday. I've lost others over the years, and tend to go into a shell for a long time. Some of the relationships never got back to normal. Some holidays. I wish I didn't have to go through Christmas. This last one was really hard.

Thanks for taking the time to leave a message Take care of yourself.

[cilla4progress]

26. This thread has been so helpful

To me, as one who may be 10-20 years behind you. So much wisdom! And self-acceptance.

I have found over the past few months (yes, since November) that I have turned to a few sites - DU one of them - more than ever, for community. It's interesting how it fits in somehow, in the right place.

I'm so glad you are finding some shelter here, Marthe! ❤️

[Marthe48]

47. I was on the DU Cancer Support subscription

and it really helped. I feel that if I can find help on DU, at least I know I am among like-minded people and it is one less thing that might filter my comments. I reached out because I felt ungrateful. The kindness just for me is just what I need. Thank you

[cilla4progress]

62. Just wonderful.

Thank you for your inspiration.

[elfin]

27. So sad. You are just now climbing out of the depths of your loss

Thank you for sharing.

I wish I didn't know about your transition from married to widowed, but I do.

The best advice I ever got was to look at my deep loss as a deep space in my life that I could fill with memories and gratitude, and more importantly, as a place for new growth by myself in the ways I could expand my interests and talents that would honor the values shared by us both.

Gradually, the nettlesome, though good-hearted, attentions of others faded to where I could basically and politely ignore them without hurting their feelings as I explored the new landscape of my changed life, while dealing with the details that follow such a transition.

Best thoughts to you on your unwelcome, but potentially positive span of our own journey.

[Marthe48]

48. Thank you elfin

I have a friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago to a similar cancer. Your comments remind me of her. She has been so supportive, even with his loss. Thank you.

[ailsagirl]

28. You have my deepest sympathy, Marthe48

[Marthe48]

49. Thank you ailsagirl

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.

[Justice]

29. I am so sorry.

I have my dad who three years ago lost my mom after 55 years of marriage. In the first year, He sounded in many ways like you do in terms of what you know you need right now and how to tell other people what you need.

I think you be honest with your sister and others - reach out as you need to but let them know you need some time for yourself. You emotionally cannot be there for others if you don't take care of yourself -- and right now you are most important.

[Marthe48]

50. Hi Justice

Sorry for the loss of your Mom. I lost my Mom in 2007, and I miss her yet, but I see things that remind me of her. I smile and say hi. All of the comments here help me. I don't think it is possible to reply to my sister. My mild comment that she didn't need to call me every day brought the exact kind of response I would expect no matter what I said. So I haven't sent a reply. I need a break from her.

Take care. Thank you for leaving a post.

[logosoco]

30. Sorry for your loss

45+ years....lots of love and good memories in there!!

[Marthe48]

51. Thank you

I wouldn't trade a second.

[bucolic_frolic]

31. Sorry to hear of your loss

I've been through loss of parents and had sibling issues.

I would just say from my experience grab the space you need. Be general, firm,
supportive, but do what is right for you. Tell her you need space, to just live
the grief and slow things down, that it will all look different to both of you in a
few months anyway, which it will. She may need attention, or fear being alone,
or think you're going to be closer now. But you've lived an adult lifetime apart
and you can't be like children again.

Peace, make time each day for your well being.

[raging moderate]

32. I am so sorry for your loss.

The love you shared is a great truth that you created together, and that truth will last forever.

[progressoid]

33. ...

[Marthe48]

52. :)

<3

[leftofcool]

34. Sorry for your loss and I have a suggestion

Just politely and lovingly tell your sister that you need some alone time to reflect on your life with your husband. Tell you how much you appreciate her being there but you need to have this time all by yourself for a while and you will keep in touch with her.

[Marthe48]

53. Thank you leftofcool

I decided just to take a break from my sister. Anything I say will just start a discussion with lots of words. But thank you.

[ATL Ebony]

35. Truly sorry for your loss

Perhaps your sister is trying to mend fences and rebuild a closer relationship. So, tell her how you feel at this point and let her know that you appreciate her concern but to give you the space to deal with your grief and that you promise to reach out if things become too tough. Ask her not to worry if she doesn't hear from you on a constant basis but that you'll stay in touch.

I haven't experienced death of a spouse but have lost close friends and family and can only offer healing from my perspective. Just do what you need to do for YOU. Hang in there.

Blessings

[Marthe48]

55. Thank you ATL Ebony

I expect she is. I distanced myself from her a long time ago. I have boundaries I guard. I talk to her, but I don't share with her, just can't do it. I am just going to take a break from her. This isn't a good time to have it out with her, and I wouldn't feel right anyway.

I appreciate that you posted to me. Losing friends and relatives is hard to get through too. They are milestones we don't want to pass. We grew up with my parents and grandmother, a great aunt, and 3 brothers, my sister and me. She and I are the only ones left. I wouldn't leave her entirely, just because of our losses, but our relationship (arm's length) was fine.

[murielm99]

36. I am so sorry.

My first husband died when I was only 27. That was a long time ago, but it was a tough time for everyone who loved him. Oddly enough, my oldest daughter lost her husband after she had been married only 17 months. She's getting along now, but you are right. Loss is never easy.

I have been married to my second husband for thirty-eight years, and we raised a family together. We are both older now, and I worry about trying to live without him.

I am glad that you had so many years together. Please take care of your own health, and try to accomplish something, even if it is something small, every day.

Hugs.

[democrank]

38. Sorry for your loss, Marthe48.

The grieving process is such a personal thing, something we experience in our own time, in our own way. Some moments are tender, some heart-wrenching, sometimes in the same hour. Experience it in whatever way you must and take whatever time you need. It's not easy.

I wish you peace.

[Rorey]

39. I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.

Please don't feel guilty about not always answering the phone. You're so sweet to be thinking about your sister's feelings. Just don't forget to take care of your own feelings.

When my previous husband died I decided the best thing I could do for at least awhile was to nurture myself, and it has helped me to deal with subsequent losses also. You have just been through an awful lot with the diagnosis, treatment and then the loss of your husband. And now your whole life has changed. Take your own time to deal with the changes. Maybe you could ask one of your children to gently explain to your sister that you just need some time, and assure her that you do appreciate that she wants to support you, but you also need to by yourself. That's a difficult concept for a lot of people to understand.

Some people do like to be surrounded by others when a loss happens. Personally, I have never been that way. I wanted solitude so I could process. It's your right to do things your own way.

I will say that one great thing about today's technology is that you can send a short text when you feel like it rather than have to return phone calls that you don't feel like returning.

[Marthe48]

54. Thank you Rorey

I felt a lot better since I posted in this group. And I appreciate all the kindness. I didn't ask my kids to talk to her. She is manipulative and I know her better than they do. I left a pm and told her she doesn't need to call every day and got the kind of response I expected. So I am taking a break and enjoying some quiet time. I hope you are well and feeling peace.

[KT2000]

40. Sorry for your loss

Can you tell your sister that you don't want her to be offended but your way of handling this is with less. Tell her you are doing OK and are grateful but more time on your own is your way. Not answering the phone is OK.
Peace to you Marthe48.

[barbtries]

42. i am so sorry for your loss.

everyone grieves in their own way and time. do not feel guilty when you don't pick up the phone or respond to the text. if she gets hurt then she makes this about her and it's not about her; you lost your husband. you don't "owe" her the opportunity to make this better for you and it is probably not possible anyway. let yourself be you and deal with this as you must.

back in grief counseling i was told that when people said inappropriate things i should pat them on the shoulder and say, "you'll be okay." many times people who mean well just don't know the right thing to do to comfort you. sometimes they say things that are so far from the right thing it's amazing. it's not the intent; they're uncomfortable. then there are those who stay away or avoid the subject. some made me feel contagious, as if they thought by spending too much time near me their children might die too.

your sister's issues should not distract or impede you from dealing with your grief in the way that works best for you. no shortcuts.

it has not been very long at all since your husband passed away. at some point you may find yourself feeling it more acutely than you do today. i found grief counseling very helpful, and writing. my group consisted of loved ones of homicide victims. it can be very comforting to be near people who have suffered a similar loss. just some things to think about.

again, i am so sorry for your loss

[Marthe48]

58. Thank you barbtries

I am sorry for your loss. Reading between the lines, you must have endured overwhelming grief. I think I had grief counseling, but that was a long time ago. I lost my younger brother to a car wreck, and that loss changed me forever, just tor me to shreds. John, my husband, helped me pick up the pieces. I know I read a lot about grief and grieving, for almost 30 years. Then, in a women's magazine, in an article about grief, this lady who had lost her child said words that were magic to me. She said, "Some things are just not acceptable." I needed to know that. I did not have to find a way to accept my brother's death and I finally was able to move away from my loss.

It hasn't been long since John passed and I am pretty numb. I look forward to sleeping. I am keeping the days as unplanned as I can. I am taking a break from my sister, because it is the easiest way to go.

I'll check back on the posts. I want to thank each person who posts, because I know that coming from grief, passing along kindness takes a lot of effort. Thank you.

[ohheckyeah]

44. My deepest condolences.

My siblings weren't real supportive, they had trouble dealing with my Dad's death, too. We're still trying to cope.

[Marthe48]

59. Thank you ohyeckyeah

I like your name, reminds me of one of my neighbors

[jrthin]

56. I am so sorry for your loss.

My condolence to you. Wish the mourning process was easy....I am sorry.

[Marthe48]

60. Thank you jrthin

It is never easy. I appreciate your post.

[IADEMO2004]

57. May tomorrow's path to peace be more clearly marked and have fewer obstacles than today.

[Marthe48]

61. Thank you IADEMO2004

I appreciate your thoughtful post.

[Tikki]

63. Hugs to Martha48...

Talking about him is the best; at your time and pace.

Friends recently went to see comedian, Patton Oswalt, someone they have been wanting to
see for a very long time.

Mr. Oswalt recently lost his young wife. She died unexpectedly. There is a young daughter.

I assumed he would talk of her in his routine and he did. My friends recounted some of his funny stories to me.

Some of his dialog was truly humorous.

My friends enjoyed the whole evening and told me they felt that just listening and laughing
may have helped Patton.

They certainly felt better after the show.

You knew him better than anyone..so you get to share when and the way you want. Just ask them to listen.

Tikki

[Marthe48]

64. Hi Tikki

I found a fairly nice way to approach my sister and it has been much better since. It helped me to talk about this in this group. Many, many thanks.

[sinkingfeeling]

65. I'm sorry I missed this when you first posted. You have my sincere condolences.

I believe you were over on the cancer support forum. I was busy in Dec. and Jan. moving my sister from Florida to Arkansas.

Apparently, trying to bring my sister closers to me did not stop her depression.

Hugs

[Marthe48]

66. Thank you

If your sister is with you, she may need some time to adjust. I know I do. You are very kind.