I'm officially a widow as of this afternoon--update
Last edited Fri Dec 14, 2018, 08:00 PM - Edit history (1)
when my estranged husband killed himself. Used a gun.
My oldest son called me. He had received a phone call from his brother's partner. So he went up to the retirement facility where my husband was living and found police tape cordoning off his father's room. Talked to the police.
I can't say I was surprised. We saw this coming. As recently as a few weeks ago my husband had asked both his sons to get in on a conversation with a woman from an assisted suicide group. He wanted my oldest to order the parts on-line for a suicide machine. Both boys declined to help him.
It's not just the separation/divorce. He was sick. He had been diagnosed about a year ago with probable Lewy Body disease (what Robin Williams had) and had been being followed for several years before that by a neurologist who was well known in the field.
Both boys were initially really angry with me when I left him a year ago because they thought I was pulling a Newt and leaving a sick man. The problem was, that my husband was in total and absolute denial that there was anything wrong with him besides normal aging. He made me keep the possible diagnosis a secret from the boys for a year. He wouldn't close his practice (he was a psychiatrist). He wouldn't talk about selling the house. He wouldn't discuss making plans for how he wanted to spend the last best years...or talk about what I wanted when he was gone. He rejected my observations, fired the neurologist when he was given the probable diagnosis, and then went over to the other medical school across town and withheld his history from two neurologists there so he could manipulate them into saying they saw no sign of either Lewy body disease or Parkinson's. The whole thing was one great big denial and manipulation of everybody to believe there was nothing wrong with him, and an attempt to convince others that I was neurotic and in need of a shrink because I was making mountains out of mole hills.
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stay with a man who had so little respect for me. He was bullying, verbally abusive, and lied about anything and everything all the time. I was so angry and stressed all the time that I figured I would be dead before he was. The love was long gone, because the nasty behaviors weren't a result of the disease, they'd been there all along and I'd been the recipient of them for about 30 years of our 32 year marriage whenever we would have serious disagreements. I learned to bury my feelings, keep things to myself, go along to get along.
So. It ends. Leaving a mess for our sons. The sale of the house now waiting for the attorneys to weigh in on whether it can go forward (due to close a week from today). UPDATE: The attorneys have determined that based on how we held title, title passed to me upon his death and the sale can go forward. That's a huge relief.
It didn't have to end this way. Perhaps it was just more than he could bear. The man had spent his whole life devoted to understanding the mind, and in the end, he was going to lose his. It is a horrible way to go letting a progressive, degenerative, neurological disease run to the very end.
I hope he found peace in those last moments before he pulled the trigger.
= new reply since forum marked as read
How awful! I'm sorry to hear that you have been enduring this for so long as well as its horrid conclusion. My eldest sister killed herself a few years ago, only a couple years after her husband killed himself. They both had serious health issues, mental and physical.
I wish you and your sons peace through all of this new part of the journey. In some ways it's a release and others something quite different.
For your loss, distress, and for your sons' loss.
Seven years ago in January, my sister in law as murdered by her husband, who then killed himself. He was hiding a mental illness diagnosis. My heart truly goes out to you.
I am very very sorry to hear your news. I'd been wondering how things were going, and well, now I know.
I suspect it was more than he could bear, such an intelligent proud man, seeing what was coming.
You've come to the right place for your story. I've told mine here too, and everyone is so supportive.
May you and your family find a way to get through this together.
Hugs
knowing there was truly nothing any of you could have done for a loved one who refused real help.
I’m just so sorry for all of the pain along the way - for the loss of the husband you loved long ago, for all the suffering in the intervening years, and for all of the heartache that comes with any death, particularly when it is suicide.
Just so sorry, I don’t even know what to say. I hope you have a good support system around you to help you navigate these difficult times.
I am sure there is a cascade of emotions as well as being the mom at a bad time for your kids even though they are adults.
Please take care and we all wish you peace.
and sunsets.
Marking the beginning of a new day we are given to live fully, to love and be loved - and a closing that gives hope to another day coming.
Love,
Solly
I can understand the confusion and any self doubt that you may be experiencing. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. You will need all of your strength to get through the next few days. I am so sorry that you had so many years of heartache and what sounds like emotional abuse. Even considering that, the grief, feelings of survivor guilt and loss, are still very hard. This group is a very good place to start healing. Make yourself your first priority. My heart goes out to you.
I know it's inadequate, but I wish for happier and healthier days in your future.
Without going into any details, I know well similar symptoms to Lewy Body and my heart is breaking for you and your sons tonight.
So sorry...
May your sons find strength in themselves and each other in this time. And may you find peace as well.
Peace.
Here it is 3 am and I am wide awake, which I expected. It means a lot to know there are kind people here to share my sorrow.
I made the decision to call my brother...my Trumpster brother to whom I hadn't spoken in a very long time. I wanted him to know and also asked him to let his kids know. When his kids and mine were growing up we tried to get the cousins together as much as we could, and I think most of them have pretty good relationships with each other now that everyone is grown, despite the fact that the kids are spread all over the country from California to Colorado to Wisconsin to Connecticut to North Carolina and Maryland.
Anyway, it was a typical conversation with him. After a minute or two of expressing condolences, he went on for about 15 minutes talking about his aches and pains and joint problems. He was wanting to know about my recent hip replacement--he's had one, too, and this was my second and both his hip and knees are bothering him, but what struck me was how typically Republican it was for him to turn the conversation to focus on him. Maybe he just didn't know what to say, but mostly I think he didn't know how to listen. To draw me out, to let me talk. That's Republican.
Anyway, those are my 3 am musings. I've been up for a little over an hour now. Maybe I'll try to go back to sleep.
Thank you all.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your many losses. I hope you can go forward from here and construct a good life of your own -- and I hope you ultimately share with your sons what you have shared with us today, and that they will receive it with open minds and hearts.
All the best to you.
What a situation for everyone. I'm just glad his attempt completed the deed, because I saw on tv recently a case where it wasn't successful, and the young man was horribly disfigured. I hope he is in peace, now, and doesn't have to suffer.