Opinions on helping out daughter of my late brother

[groundloop]

My brother died recently after a year long health battle. He and I haven't been real close for many years, no animosity or anything, we just kind of went in separate directions and didn't do a very good job of staying in touch. He left behind two adult daughters, and I'm looking for thoughts on something.

His oldest daughter is married and they're doing OK financially, her husband runs a small business that seems to be doing pretty well. She did most of the work as far as taking care of my brother this last year - getting him to see doctors, arranging a nursing home, and finally moving him to hospice.

His second daughter doesn't have much, she and her girlfriend are both on disability and from what I can tell are just barely managing to get by.

I'm thinking about sending a check to my niece who's struggling, not life changing money by any means but something to help them out a bit. I'm torn though about sending a gift to one but not the other, and could use some second opinions.

[Sanity Claws]

1. Can you send some type of acknowledgement to the better-off sister?

It is nice to be remembered. What about flowers or a food basket together with a card acknowledging her work in taking care of your late brother and thanking her?

[Cousin Dupree]

2. The only way to avoid any hard feelings is to send them both the same amount.

Anything other than that has a potential for a very unpleasant outcome for the person who’s trying to help (you). You never know how people will react to money issues. I say play it safe for your own peace and tranquility.

[3catwoman3]

3. Are the sisters close. Did your brother have a will?

Might you involve the older daughter in some way, perhaps posing it thusly- “I’m so impressed by everything you did to care for your dad. I wonder if he would want us to care for your sister in some way?” See what ideas she might have.

Maybe. Donation to college funds for the older daughter’s children, if she has any, in an amount equal to what you wold give to the younger daughter.

[procon]

4. Don't meddle the family dynamics between those sisters.

Think of it, you are a virtual stranger whose only connected to them thru your brother, you have no logical reason to involve yourself in their personal financial business. The only link is your brother.

If you arbitrarily reward the one sibling who did nothing for your brother (her own father) and not the sister who took full responsibility, that's incredibly disrespectful and judgemental. You'll only end up alienating the siblings, but ruining any hope of building any relationship with either.

If you want to offer compensation for your absence anf the extra work involved in caring for your brother, talk to your niece first. Most care givers serve out of love and duty, money might be insulting to her, but maybe something like a college fund would be better. Ask how you can help her, she just lost her dad.

Your other niece is not entitled to any compensation money. Remember your only connection is for brother and she did not do anything to help him or her sister in caring for him. Don't expect that throwing money at her problems will improve anything, it won't.

[groundloop]

7. She didn't "do nothing", she lives several hours away.......

She lives several hours away and visited/helped as much as possible, the older sister lived close to her dad.

[lettucebe]

5. My take: You can send anyone anything you want. This isn't an equal presents at Christmas type thing

I routinely help family members who don't have much -- why on earth would I feel compelled to do anything for those who are capable of doing for themselves?

If an adult child is upset because their sibling gets something and they don't, they are not good at adulting.

[No Vested Interest]

6. Send equal amounts to both. Cut back on second if necessary at this time.

First daughter's check is in appreciation for all she did for your brother; she should use it for herself or give to charity in his name.
Second check is to second daughter is recognition of her father, to be used as needed.

Always treat children equally; you won't regret it.

[Wawannabe]

8. I would help out the struggling daughter

And not worry about it. If you can't bring yourself to do that alone, then another poster's idea of acknowledgement of the better off child's efforts with a family dinner or possibly a spa pkg.

I am sorry you lost your brother, friend.