Really struggling at 15 months out with losing my husband

[imavoter]

I was able to quit my job in September
so I did. I'll have to get something else in the
next few months, but I'm lucky I could do that.
It's been helpful not to have to answer to anyone.

But I'm alone and lonely. I'm doing some volunteer work for
my city that will be at least a 3 year commitment, so
that's a good thing. Won't take too much of my time, really.
I miss my husband more than ever.

I want to have a party, but I can't seem to make myself
schedule it. I dont really hear from people, and tired of being the one that makes contact.

I'm struggling to get basic cleaning and reorganizing done...and I hate that.
I've always been tidy. I've been good to get rid of a lot of both of our things, but still so much to do. It's bothering me, so I need to somehow muster to clean. It's affecting my mental health. My floors are gross.

Spent Thanksgiving with the neighbors. No I know called me.

I finally made myself do the dishes every day this week. Found out I'm allergic to all milk proteins, so now I have to figure that out.

I feel things more now than last year.
And it's kicking my ass.

[NJCher]

1. I'll bet your friends

Would be happy to see and spend time with you.

People get caught up in the day to day routine and put off social encounters. People also love to help, and if they know you need a little extra tlc right now, they would be happy to provide it.

Give them the opportunity to spend time with you. It will be good for both of you.

[sprinkleeninow]

2. I'm also experiencing much of what you are.

The realization of the loss of my husband is the worst this 3rd year since.

I go around saying, OK, the novelty has worn off.

I'll keep you in my heart and lift you up to Heaven for all good things to make an appearance in your life.

Love to you, my sister. 💗🕯

[imavoter]

21. Thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss, too.
It's hard.

[NJCher]

3. I have a friend, Anna

Years ago when her husband passed, she was bereft. She even had anxiety attacks about being alone. After a while, she became “Anna the Social Organizer.” She organized trips to the movies, to concerts, plays, you name it. She would invite all these different people and it was fun and interesting because there was always some surprise person(s).

People loved it! Everyone was sick of just staying home doing the same old same old.

The thing is that it’s seldom that you find an organizer like that. In this case, people were grateful that she did so because everyone enjoyed these events.

I’m not suggesting you be a social organizer; my point is that people get in a rut and know they are in a rut. They just need a little urging to do something.

[Tetrachloride]

5. I did a little organizing and a lot of dog walks.

Actually a lot of organizing but it was hidden.

The second year wasn’t my favorite. Delayed reaction.

I was fortunate to get some jobs that I liked.

[DarthDem]

4. I'm so sorry

Everyone gets in ruts of various sizes, I think. For me just setting a modest task list for a day, then finishing some of it (doesn't even have to be all!) and looking back on the achievements is fulfilling. It helps even more, I think, if you can see the results without looking at a list; say, planting a new flower you can see every day and enjoy, or straightening something up. You will get through this and it will get easier each day.

[NJCher]

8. Just have to comment on this

I go overboard. I am a total nut about it. I am not suggesting anyone else do this because most people are abhorred by this practice. Here is what I do:

I have a worksheet for every day. On the worksheet, I have indoor spaces and outdoor spaces blocked out.

Example:

Outdoor

Parking area
Front garden
Front patio
Back deck
Upstairs raised beds
Greenhouse
Side raised beds
Side work area/patio

Indoor

Living room
Office
Dining room
Bedroom
Butlers pantry
Kitchen
Bath
Back entry
Front entry
Side entry


I go to each area and spend 10 or 15 minutes cleaning it and organizing it.

When done, it gets a checkmark.

Every 45” I get a reward of 10” reading time or chatting with a friend or relative.

I also record how I spent my time all day, like “grocery shopping” or “doctor’s appts.”

I keep all the worksheets in notebooks so I can tell you exactly what I was doing on what day and what time.

This is in addition to my job, which I mostly get to schedule whenever I want to do it. Oh, and also my focus exercises, which take an hour each day.

I got the idea to do this from a friend whose husband is a noted psychiatrist. She edited his books. From that I learned that he thought we all needed an organizer. An “organizer” is just one thing to anchor ourselves to each day. For my friend Linda, it was running. She ran 45” a day.

I rarely get every box checked off on my worksheet. Whatever area didn’t get a check gets priority the next day. I don’t give myself a hard time if I don’t get it all done; it’s merely a tool to spread my time around productively.

[fierywoman]

6. Bless the time you had with your husband. And understand that some people

are into organizing, and some are not: it doesn't mean they don't love you, its just the way they are. xoxo

[CountAllVotes]

7. I can sure understand imavoter

I lost my husband six months ago.

He was basically insane when he died of vascular dementia. I keep seeing pieces of the situation play over and over again in my mind. I hear him in the house at times. I often think he is in the other room.

I've made some poor decisions during the time he was dying and since his death with money and other things.

I've tried to do the best I can but it is so difficult!

I heard from one person on Thanksgiving and I had no dinner.

That sure makes one feel loved not!

I couldn't see going to a free dinner place at some church so I didn't go anywhere at all.

I've been home the past few days fighting some health issues that have cropped up.

Along with having MS, I have a rash the recurs every so often and it was going full-blast after I fell last week.

I've been trying to keep things clean around here as I must being I have three cats that are kept as indoor pets. They force me to keep things semi-together.

I'm feeling like people in situations like we are are must learn the art of self-forgiveness. I know I did the best I could given the situation. If I'd played their game, I'd have had him put away when he began smearing feces around the house. My god what a hell I have been through! What a hell anyone in this boat has been through!

I am sorry to read about your loss and I understand where you are at completely. It is so difficult to learn how to start up a new life after a death of the magnitude we've been through.

I was with my husband for 44 years and I am LOST. I think that's where you are are too, LOST. I hope you weren't left with nothing like I have been. I never suspected there would be nothing for me after he died. I was not prepared for this on any level at all!

I'm living one day at a time. That's about all any one can do.

I do wish you a belated Happy Thanksgiving and here's hoping that next year will be better for you.

Take good care and here is a for you.

CountAllVotes

[MySideOfTown]

9. I lost my wife of 49 years 7 years ago

I feel your grief.

[imavoter]

22. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I only had him 8 years, he was 52.
Not long enough.

I try not to suffer, but it seems
to hurt that much anyway.

God bless you, too.

[MySideOfTown]

29. The hurt ain't never going to end

When you lose your one and only

[DFW]

10. Yesterday at our late Thanksgiving dinner

We had mostly couples but also one man and one woman who had lost their spouses. No matchmaking intended or attempted. We try to maintain contact with friends in that situation because it could be either of us tomorrow. My wife looks great now, but she has had cancer twice already. I have had heart issues since 2004, and have had only one uncle and one grandparent that made it to 80.

The only advice I could offer is, “make/keep as many friends as you can.” It is what has kept my mom-in-law going for the last 25 years, when she lost her husband. She is 95 now. I think the continued human contact remains the lifeline to the world. That’s just my hunch, although it’s easy to give advice from where I stand now. My wife and I have been together for 48 years now, 40 of them married. I have no illusions. I know full well that I’d fall apart if I lost her, I’d be a useless wreck.

[Duncanpup]

11. Sending hugs

[John1956PA]

12. (((((imavoter)))))

Hugs.

[moniss]

13. I wanted to share with you something I wrote

about an experience I had 3 years ago. I hope it helps or gives you a chance to smile. I titled it "Young and Old". It sort of hinged around what was happening before 2020 and some insight that came to me. I'm a kid from the early years after WW2 and I see more and more every day that we are all young and old at the same time. Old for the things that make us hurt and weary and young for the new things facing us as our lives change.

"Young and Old"

Good morning everyone. I hope all is well. Overcast and cold here as we draw close to Memorial Day. Yesterday I was at the grocery store and I was struck by something that made me think of this generational thing in politics here in America. As people we sometimes go various directions in our lives without being aware that some of it is natural, part of the flow and necessary. I live in a community that is older with older people than average. I did not choose this because of that although I'm sure some do. I arrived years ago because I found an affordable apartment in a small building nestled in a wooded area along Lake Michigan. It was very nice and quiet. Things have changed little in 25 years as I dug in to my work with only a few detours. We have one grocery store in the town and it was there that I found myself the other day doing my normal stroll through the aisles with my cart when I came upon a lady somewhere in her late 50's or early 60's in the aisle with baking products like flour, canned frosting and cake mix. She was by herself and as I approached she was turned and facing the shelf. I got closer to her position and I realized she was talking to the products on the shelf. Something to the effect of "now if I take you and you then I can.....". It was at that point that I had a moment of clarity about this generational thing. America now has become "neighborhoods", and sometimes whole towns, where the younger voters and the older voters don't necessarily "mingle" as much. We have specialized low rent housing just for the elderly. Certainly a wonderful thing but it also tends to aggregate people in areas away from the others in society. So the views, hopes, accepted practices and day to day struggles of one group aren't anywhere near as much a part of life for the other group as they used to be. It wasn't intended to be this way most likely but it undeniably has happened. So I stopped for a moment and I asked the lady if she needed help with reaching anything. She smiled at me and said no. I took a step forward to keep going when she said to me "I used to shop with my husband and he would take things off the shelf as we talked about what to buy and what we would make." She laughed a little and said it was a habit for her to talk away to the shelves even though her husband had passed away a year ago. I smiled back and told her that it's OK until the products answer you back. She liked the humor and I pushed on through the aisle. I realized that the experience I just had was one that most people under 35 or so are not going to encounter very often if at all. So it is with our society and politics now. We see a very old Biden and Sanders and some very young folks like Kamala, Beto and Pete etc. Which way do we go now that we have to choose? Would it be easier for each generation to be more in tune and comfortable with each other if we spent more time in general mingling a bit with each other? But we haven't and the media does not help us communicate with each other but rather it communicates to us individually in the compartmentalized groups they've determined for us. A younger person seeing the lady in the aisle talking to the products on the shelves would likely see perhaps someone with signs of early dementia because that is maybe what they saw in a media piece. But what I saw was a lady shopping with her husband even though it was just an echo. She didn't need any help from the kind stranger who stopped. She only needed to go on with the echo fading as she determines. Or not at all if she likes.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

14. I will try to read, but sure made difficult by lack of paragraphing. I suggest you go back & edit.nt

[moniss]

17. Yes it's a weakness

I've always had especially when I'm just letting it all flow as it comes to me. I seldom do edits because what I write is usually just for my own reading.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

18. Posting "just for your own reading" misses the point of this group and this huge site

"A burden shared is a burden lessened", but first it has to be read to be truly shared.

[moniss]

25. Usually when I post here

anymore I do paragraphs etc. The piece I put up was just a quick copy/paste of something that flowed from me as a stream of thought about three years ago. I put it up very early a.m.for the OP to see and didn't feel the immediate need at that hour to format, edit etc. and anybody else that didn't like it for whatever reason, format or content, is free to ignore it since I think the meaning is more important in this case than having super grammar or sentence/paragraph structure. Those folks wouldn't like my Beat style writing that I do sometimes either. Or prose. Or lyrics.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

27. Old people are often lonely. She seemed to be coping well. Any time we can give them conversation

... is generally a good thing. Sometimes people are so starved for human conversation that they will pay to have a visitor come spend a few hours a week with them.

Many older people have outlived their family and their long-time friends.

One of the more interesting social experiments is where 20-somethings live with 60/70/80 somethings in a house. It reduces rent for the youngsters and gives the oldsters help with the occasional heavy lifting and upkeep while letting wisdom and experience flow both ways.

[moniss]

28. Very true and

it was much more how it was when families lived more closely together or in the same house through all the generations. I also think it is important when we lose someone to maintain control of your adjustment process and to be OK with taking things as fast or as slow as you choose. Or not so much at all as I pointed out. The echos and memories are not something to be "put away" or "gotten past" but are there to stand beside us as we move on. The hard part is finding the balance between the feeling of loss and the warmth and support those echos and memories can provide. It's all about love.

[markie]

15. please know

we care... I lost my husband last year just before Thanksgiving... I don't even remember what I did last year on Thanksgiving day... it is still a blur.

Do what you must to take care of yourself.

This Thanksgiving I am with my brother and it helps

[multigraincracker]

16. Some great ideas here on this site.

My friend got a lot of help, like this, when she found a "Widows Group" at a local church. She is not religious, by the way. The group shared their feelings and ways of coping with the loss.

Best of luck and feel free to bring this up here.

[IA8IT]

19. This Thanksgiving was an ass kicker here too

Seventh Thanksgiving since my wife died and son's first Thanksgiving since his wife died. Extended family tRump voters were uninvited after huge screaming event this summer. Years past two or three rooms full family eating at folding chairs and tables reduced to the two of us.

You're doing much better than what I did. Well done you.

Seven years gone and I still feel her every day.

[imavoter]

20. You're son too?

That's an unfortunate way to bond, but at least
you can understand each other.

I'm only 50, 49 last year when he died at 52.
I have a lot of living left to do, and want to live it.
But I'm struggling for what's next.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I miss the days of my childhood with my grandmother cooking and lots of family. Now everyone is dead or scattered.

My neighbor was sweet to invite me. Family in every room.
I don't know if it helped me or made me feel worse.
But I went.

[IA8IT]

23. He's 39 so my hope is he will find another and a second "Happily Ever After"

And you too for that matter in time.

My first Thanksgiving alone at grocery checkout cashier heard my friend saying what a bad year I'd had (mom, dad, step dad died too).
When she finished scanning and giving me the receipt she grabbed my wrist and invited me to Thanksgiving with her family if I was going to be alone. We didn't know each other at all she was new employee. I said thank you but everyone was going to gather at our house that year as usual. Stunned me for sure.

Truly good people are still out there.

The ones lost are never replaced we make another life without them. Not my words but close to what feel.

[imavoter]

24. thank you for your kind words n/t

[Maraya1969]

26. I hear you. And I am so sorry about your loss.

Part of me hates this time of year because there is so much pressure to be happy!!

Be kind and gentle with yourself. If you don't get something done please just be happy about it anyway!

[kozar]

30. We understand

Coming up on a year for LilBit and I. Still have a lot of your feelings.
Hug hug from us

KozandLilBit

[imavoter]

31. thanks so much.

I appreciate your comments.
Hugs back