She isn't 43 years old today.

[barbtries]

She's supposed to be. Happy Birthday Bekah Zask. Love you and miss you forever
Here she is with me 43 years ago today.

Here she is sleeping with her butt in the air. She had such delicate skin that we had her in cloth diapers. She was semi high maintenance right from the start.

Here she is just before she died. This was the picture we had on top of her closed casket.

Here's her headstone. I wish I could go visit her bones today, but she's a couple thousand miles away in CA, and i'm in NC. I hope her father will go see her.

She was one of those rarely gifted beings who cannot look, or speak or even stir without waking up (and satisfying) some vague longing that lies dormant in the hearts of most of us

[niyad]

1. Hugggggggs. There are no words, but know that we are here for you.

[barbtries]

2. thank you niyad.

I can't stop speculating about where she'd be now. Probably have teenagers already.

July is not my best month. It's always a little bit crazy, and these days complicated by the actual, general craziness of the time. the degradation of my country. y'know?

[niyad]

6. The general craziness has me even more short-tempered than normal, so

I do, at lest partly, understand.

[NNadir]

3. A beautiful tribute. I'm sorry for your pain.

[barbtries]

4. Thank you NNadir

[badhair77]

5. My heart goes out to you.

I can’t imagine the loss but your words introduced me to this lovely soul. Please do something today to pamper yourself. Maybe some flowers or a donation; helping others always makes me feel better. I wish you peace.

[barbtries]

10. thank you badhair77

i'm short on money at the moment but i did walk the dog this morning.

[badhair77]

49. Time with your furry friend is usually a gift. 💕

[irisblue]

7. I am so so sorry for your great loss

[barbtries]

11. thank you irisblue!

[TNNurse]

8. I have known personal grief

and witnessed grief as a hospital nurse for many years.

The loss of a child (no matter their age) is the toughest thing I have ever seen.

[barbtries]

12. thank you TNNurse.

"the unkindest cut of all"

[flying_wahini]

9. Some losses we never get over. When they are young and have the whole world ahead of them,

that is one of them. My heartfelt sympathy for you.
Life can be so cruel sometimes.

[barbtries]

14. thank you flying wahini

sure can.
I'm well beyond the worst of it. This month will never be the same though. never

[flying_wahini]

13. She was so pretty, very renaissance look to her.

[barbtries]

16. she would have loved that.

thank you

[1WorldHope]

15. I'm so sorry for your broken heart.

I don't think I could survive the loss of my daughter.

[barbtries]

17. 1WorldHope,

i wasn't sure I could, but there it was. I kept breathing. I hope you will never be faced with this tragedy.

[1WorldHope]

19. It is my secret terror. It is wrong and should never happen.

Sending you the white light of Love.

[3catwoman3]

18. Every time I see one of your posts, regardless of...

..the topic, I think of you and your daughter. Such a loss changes you forever.

My family endured the same kind of loss when my brother, 3 years younger and my only sibling, died in a winter scuba diving adventure gone wrong. He was 23. He would be 69 now.

It’s been a long time since his death is the first thing on my mind everyday, for which I am grateful, but the awareness of his absence is always there, particularly when anyone says something about getting together with their brother or sister.

If I remember correctly, you have a son. Please let him know that someone is thinking of him, too, today.

[barbtries]

26. thank you 3catwoman3

so sorry for your brother's tragic loss!

I have 3 sons. I will let them know of your kindness.

[calimary]

20. Such a beautiful and poignant tribute.

Brings tears.

Thank you for sharing this, barbtries. That means we can help lift your load a little. You do not mourn alone.

[barbtries]

28. Thank you Calimary.

it does.

[gademocrat7]

21. So very sorry, barbtries

Sending you gentle hugs. Your daughter was a beautiful young woman.

[barbtries]

30. thank you gademocrat7!

[mgardener]

22. I am so, so sorry.

My 3rd child would have been 41 this year.

It is so hard sometimes.

[Sky Jewels]

24. ...

[barbtries]

31. oh mgardener

I'm so sorry.

[MLAA]

23. Sending gentle, comforting vibes to hug you.

[barbtries]

51. Thank you MLAA

[Fla Dem]

25. What heartache to lose a child, so loved and beautiful in heart and spirit.

I am so sorry for your loss so many years ago, but still as fresh as yesterday in your heart.
I'm hope memories also bring a smile to your heart as well. Peace to you.

[barbtries]

52. Thank you Fla Dem

She was beautiful inside and out. Her memory is a blessing and she remains a presence in my life. Love does not die.

[Naio]

27. Iam Very sorry for what you have had to go through. I send you hugs and all my love .

[barbtries]

53. Thank you Naio

[Evolve Dammit]

29. So sorry for your loss Barb. I can't imagine. This is a lovely tribute. Thank you

[barbtries]

66. thank you Evolve Dammit!

love your screen name btw

[Evolve Dammit]

68. If only...

[barbtries]

74. yeah.

i remind myself that evolution happens over millenia, not the space of one lifetime, but devolution? seems like that happens real fast. i blame republicans.

[Evolve Dammit]

100. Hear ya. They want us back to the dark ages feudal system. Take care and hope you're "ok."

[wendyb-NC]

32. Aw, she was precious

So sorry for your loss. May she R.I.P.

[barbtries]

54. thank you wendyb-NC

Durham here, how about you?

[wendyb-NC]

61. Hi Barb

I live in Wilson

[LoisB]

33. I am so sorry. What a beautiful young lady. Gone much too soon but still here as long as those

who love her are still here.

[barbtries]

55. thank you LoisB

She is definitely not forgotten, by all who knew and loved her.

[marble falls]

34. You look just like her. You get to see her every time you see your reflection. You're being ...

... being watcher over.

[barbtries]

56. thank you marble falls

though i can't agree with you: Bekah was prettier than I ever was. But I did make her

[Jarqui]

35. I searched for words that might soothe

We call our daughter 'Becca' so this hit a little closer.
Had to make an effort.

I looked up what happened hoping that might help me find the words
It didn't. Brutal, outrageous, senseless loss.

I am so so sorry.

[barbtries]

58. Thank you Jarqui.

yep. It's been a long time, longer than i could even ponder at the time. I've worked very hard to effect some kind of recovery, to live well and happily and I've been successful in the intervening years. But some things don't change, and one of those things is how Bekah died. It was and is wrong.

Sadly it's all too common - daily if not more so. 100% unnecessary.

I googled for the stat:

Every day, about 37 people in the United States die in drunk-driving crashes — that's one person every 39 minutes. In 2021, 13,384 people died in alcohol-impaired driving traffic deaths — a 14% increase from 2020. These deaths were all preventable.

[Jarqui]

70. 38 years ago, I lost my best friend to alcohol

He inhaled his vomit. His parents lied to me about it which really bothered me.
We'd been working on him for 16 years to get drugs and alcohol out of his life.
No stone was left unturned in that effort though at the time, we did not know nearly as much as we do now.
Unlike your daughter, he had a hand in his own demise.

But like you, every Sept 15th is another birthday I cannot forget that he is not around to celebrate.
I have not been able to visit his grave after the first visit. Way too painful.
I drive past the cemetery frequently. But I just can't go there.

What I have done since is tried to help others avoid that similar fate. 38 years later, I'm still doing it.
I try to tell myself "if I could just save this one, maybe it won't hurt so much ... maybe some good can come from this"
If I don't get results, I fight harder to get them. I will not give up.

Like your statistics on drunk driving, these kinds of deaths are preventable too.
We've got to get better at preventing them.
So I fight on.

[barbtries]

75. you're doing good work Jarqui

a lot of times with this type of activism you never see the change you made. it's like you planted a seed then you never get to find out if it grew. When I used to do VIPs for MADD it was always on the understanding that if one life was saved it was well worth it.

I am so sorry about your friend. I had a friend many, many years ago, who drank herself to death at the age of 25. My own mother's life was cut short. Alcohol is so frickin' popular but it has caused more mayhem, tragedy, and loss in my life than any other thing.

I'm the opposite of you when it comes to visiting her grave: right after she died, I was there several times a week. Now I can only go when i'm in CA, but I actively miss it when I can't, especially on her days.

[Jarqui]

92. I do individual cases

One current person, it will be 10 years of almost daily effort next month since I started working with them. I feel like I'm losing that one. But I know I'm doing everything possible. They have a fantastic brother and sister. We're still hoping while realizing it probably won't end well.

Another is an emotional victim of a person deceased from drug abuse. She's the nicest person I ever met in my life. Her "case" has been going on 8 years. If I lose this one, it will be bad. She's doing ok. I took it so far, I kind of crossed the line. She was killing herself. Desperate measures.

Another one has been going on four years. I'm definitely going to lose that one. Her liver is dying. Just trying to get her the nicest exit we can. Her husband was a bastard. He spent time in prison for beating the crap out of her. I had him removed from her home. He's dead now. He kept her in the basement. Wouldn't let her come upstairs to eat. She survived on beer which cause her alcohol dependency. Brutal abuse. She's not dead yet but he basically killed her. After all that abuse, she still has a heart of gold.

Another has been going on 2 years. I have some hope there. Got his wife in the hospital yesterday so he can recharge.

There are a few others that are less intensive. It's hard because most of them don't end well and they each take a piece of you.

[pandr32]

36. I am so sorry.

It isn't supposed to happen that way. To lose a child is the greatest fear of a parent. You lost her and she lost her whole future. Grandchildren you never had, all the special occasions without the joys shared, the possibilities unrealized all live in your heart/mind. My heart hurts for you just thinking about it.
I really am so sorry.

[barbtries]

60. thank you pandr32!

yes, the loss is incalculable. I think she would have had children, in fact she already had names for them. Maybe later...we all are together.

[Wild blueberry]

37. Your love for her radiates from the screen

Bekah glows in your heart.
Sending a big hug.

[barbtries]

62. Thank you Wild blueberry

Love is all that can save us, that's my belief. I celebrate that I have it and that I had her.

[riverbendviewgal]

38. Rebekah-Marie was a beautiful young woman.

I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my younger son in 1999 at 26 years old. I know your pain. Hugs to you. She is always In your heart.

[barbtries]

72. riverbendviewgal

I am so sorry for your loss!

[Grumpy Old Guy]

39. There is no greater pain than losing a child.

My heart goes out to you.

[barbtries]

76. thank you Grump Old Guy

I can't think of anything worse except having a child go missing and never learning their fate. I think that would be worse.

[Grumpy Old Guy]

86. We have a kid who doesn't talk to us.

They blocked us two years ago, no phone calls, no texts, nothing. At least we know that they're doing okay. They may come around someday, or they may not. At least we know that they're doing all right on their own

It seems a waste of precious time since we're not getting any younger, but we can't control their behavior.

[barbtries]

87. i'm sorry to hear that.

I am estranged from my oldest brother, but he's not blocked or anything, we just don't talk. it's because he's a foxbot right winger and I can't take his incessant racism. he's toxic to me basically. If I push the issue my fear is we'll go completely blank as you and your child have. I don't want that either. Still love him, just can't stand him.

[Grumpy Old Guy]

90. That's sad.

We all have family like that.

[stage left]

40. I am so sorry.

[TreasonousBastard]

41. I never had a child to lose, but I have shared the loss of others, and..

as much as we love to make political points, the loss of a child is one of the worst things that can happen.

May your future go well.

[Maraya1969]

42. Oh I am so sorry for your loss.

[barbtries]

77. thank you Maraya1969

[crimycarny]

43. Heartbreaking--I know the pain

I lost my son to suicide in January of 2022, he was 25. His birthday is 7/8 so in 2 days he would have been 27.

Seeing you smiling so happy while pregnant with your daughter--the absolute joy! And then the pictures of your daughter innocently sleeping as a toddler, then again to see what a beautiful woman she grew to be. It brings back my own memories.

My heart breaks for you as I know so deeply the pain of losing a child. The worst pain anyone can endure.

(I love the name Bekah, such a beautiful name for a beautiful human being).

[barbtries]

78. crimycarny,

my heart breaks for you, it's been so soon. What is your plan for Saturday? How are you?

Anytime you need to talk feel free to DM me.

[mountain grammy]

44. Beautiful woman.. forever young..

I am so sorry..

[Duppers]

45. 🕯️

I'm so sorry.

[JoeOtterbein]

46. I'm...

...sorry.

(tears)

[thatcrowwoman]

47. What a beautiful memorial of your dear daughter, barbtries. 🕯️

Thank you for sharing your grief and your Becka with us. That’s very generous and very brave of you. My heart breaks with yours. I’ll add Becka’s name to my Kaddish prayers tomorrow night.

Holding you and your sons in the light, barbtries, and sending you all much love and sweet Shalom.
You are not alone.
🕊thatcrowwoman

[thatcrowwoman]

73. I misspelled Bekah's name and had no success editing it. I'm so sorry.

🕊tcw

[barbtries]

80. thatcrowwoman,

thank you so much. You may have noticed the chai on the turtle on her headstone. I no longer practice any religion, but Bekah was Jewish and we did have a Jewish funeral. That you plan to remember her during Kaddish warms my heart.

In my mind she's doing very well on the other side, learning, growing, being. In my mind when I go over she will be the person meeting me first. Then all the other loved ones coming to hug me.

[Lonestarblue]

48. What a beautiful young woman (both of you).

I’m so sorry for your loss so many years ago. It’s hard not to wonder what she would have accomplished or become b now. I wish you comfort in your memories.

[deurbano]

50. Bekah looks absolutely... luminous (lovely from the inside out).

I'm so sorry for your loss, which is the worst we can imagine as mothers, after trying so hard to keep them safe. This strikes close to home as my own younger daughter (who just graduated from UCI, not far from Bekah) is turning twenty-one on July 23rd. Your story is a poignant reminder to never take for granted what is most precious in our lives.

May your wonderful memories of such a beautiful spirit provide comfort during this difficult day.

[barbtries]

82. Thank you deurbano

congratulations on your daughter's success!! Irvine, right?

[deurbano]

84. Thank you, and yes, UC Irvine.

(Sorry for being so California-centric!)

[barbtries]

85. i am too,

it's just that i've been in NC for over 15 years already. But the first 52 years of my life I lived in So CA, south bay area primarily. i still call it home and always will.

[Goddessartist]

57. Hugs and love. My heart is with you.

[barbtries]

81. thank you Goddessartist

[Skittles]

59. she was lovely

[UpInArms]

63. I am so sorry

((((((((HUGS)))))))

[Duncanpup]

64. Hugs to you

[redqueen]

65. A lovely tribute

Thanks for sharing some memories here.

[Lithos]

67. I looked to what happened...

No warning - just like lightning out of the blue sky. No last good byes.

Sorry to hear - this could happen to any of us. Such a beautiful person. Way too soon.

Many hugs.

[barbtries]

79. yes, she was killed.

no chance for good-bye and because of the violence of her death, we never saw Bekah again. A random occurrence that happens far too often.

[Cha]

69. Beautiful daughter & Beartiful

post, barbtries. 💕

[barbtries]

83. thank you Cha!

[Bettie]

71. I'm so sorry

losing a child is a pain that never goes away.

[Deuxcents]

88. (((🧡)))

[mercuryblues]

89. I am sorry for your loss

[FakeNoose]

91. Thanks for sharing these photos

Birthdays and holidays are always the hardest, when you're missing a dear loved one. I'm sorry for your loss, as I know we all are. May you find solace in your memories of happier times with your darling Bekah.

[barbtries]

93. Thank you FakeNoose

we were blessed because Bekah was a ham and there are many pictures.

[cilla4progress]

94. I'm so sorry, barbtries.

She is lovely. ❤️

[barbtries]

95. thank you cilla4progress!

[COL Mustard]

96. Barb, my deepest condolences

She was killed on my 43rd birthday. I’ve read your accounts about her, and just know that I do think of you on that day.

[barbtries]

98. thank you COL Mustard

For years I would stroll through cemeteries and look for her dates - after awhile i looked for all of our dates. I have this thing about the lack of reason and the profuse rhyme in matters of life and death. So your birthday is a rhyme (happy birthday in advance)

So maybe 20 years ago now, I was at a support group for homicide survivors and a newly bereaved mother, Roma, came in and started to talk about her son Paul Jr.

- Her son was killed on July 6
- His birthday was July 19
- He was shot by a young man who was born on the same day of the same year in the same town (Long Beach CA) as Paul Jr

I could not even close my mouth as these dates were spilling from her lips. We stayed close for years afterward and would never forget each other on the dates of July 6 and July 19. To this day I cannot forget her or her son though we have lost touch in the past 5 to 10 years.

Rhymes.

[LiberalLoner]

97. Such a beautiful tribute. Hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief that never ends.

[yardwork]

99. I'm so sorry.

There aren't any words that would make a difference. Your daughter was beautiful.

[barbtries]

101. thank you yardwork.

actually the words do make a difference, they do bring comfort. that probably plays heavily into my decision to share Bekah's life and death stories here. DU is so great - IRL people sometimes stumble and say hurtful things, but that's never happened to me on DU.

[yardwork]

102. I'm glad to hear that. You deserve a place that brings some peace.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

103. Beautiful daughter. Beautiful tribute. So sorry for your loss.

Words cannot express how I wish you could have been spared this heartbreak. Sending virtual hugs & healing energy your way.

[barbtries]

104. Thank you so much.