rough night tonight

[orleans]

still is

going on six months since i lost my little furkid and i'm still not over her, still haven't cried enough (apparently)

maybe it's a combination of things in my life -- not sure, but it always comes back to these losses

seems the past six months my mourning for my mom took a dramatic shift when my little girl dog passed--every bit of grief was transferred to the new loss

tonight was the first time since 1974 where i wrapped christmas presents without a dog around. i wrap them on the living room floor and there is always the concern about them getting into something they shouldn't, stepping on the paper and ripping it, etc.

not tonight. first time in 39 years. and i realized this when i was wrapping. and strangely enough it didn't seem to bother me. i finished what i set out doing.

and then
i fell apart.
not because of the 39 year deal.
but because i miss her -- so much.

i was thinking how some people believe we come into this life to learn lessons, or to serve a purpose, help others, etc. and when we have completed what we initially set out to do (in our pre-life existence) then we leave this life.
well...if that's the case then why did my little friend, my companion, leave when she did? does that logic of pre-life planning apply to animals as well? or what changed in me or in my life that somehow gave the universe the okay to take her away?

she was getting old, but she could have had more time. and it's not like she was sick or anything. she just stopped eating. and for a week i tried to hold onto her, and i couldn't. i couldn't--i lost her anyway. why? what purpose did it serve for me to have to lose her when i did? and she loved me, she was my little shadow, she never would have chosen to leave me.

bad night tonight.

i sleep with her little fuzzy pink coat cuddled in my arms, by my face, against my heart. sometimes i sit with it on my lap and run my hand across it, over and over, feeling the softness of it, feeling the soft collar. and last night when i lifted it up from my lap a little bit and looked at it, suddenly it hit me--it's EMPTY!
it's empty, it's empty, it's empty...oh my god...!

sometimes we read/listen to/watch things that mirror our feelings, or (in this situation), our sadness, our grief. and tonight, during a major crying jag (that, hours later, hasn't fully subsided), i thought of this song (and except for the break with talking) it really mirrors the depths i've been in tonight. i put the dvd in, watched it (thought it might help to get it out of my system--it didn't).

so sad tonight.
here's the song: (only the version i watched was from a movie)

just feeling so damn low tonight...
lost
broken

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I'm so sorry, my dear orleans...

[pansypoo53219]

2. why i got spares. i have lost 4 'babies. and i will lose the 2 now, so i will get 2 more

when i am down to 1. and i get to love 2 more. tho i do cats. 1 caqt was ok, but no cat suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

[blue14u]

3. orleans, I'm so sorry for

your tears of pain..

You did everything you could to make sure she knew she

was loved, and she did know.

The song from Bette is one of my favorites. A great tribute to your furry friend..

Find peace and comfort in the time you had together...

[love_katz]

4. Feeling lost and broken also.

My cat disappeared on Halloween night. She is/was not a black cat, and she was too skittish for any stranger to be able to pick her up.
She wanted to go out. I didn't want to let her, but there wasn't any trick-or-treat activity happening on my block (been that way for the last several years), and she had been sleeping outside for the night for several nights previous, like she was just enjoying the last of the good weather. So, I let her out.
Went back to the back door 10 minutes later, to see if she wanted to come back in. She wasn't there. I felt uncomfortable about it, but I needed to get to sleep, and I figured she'd be at the door, wanting in when I got up in the morning, like always.
But, that is not what happened. She never returned.

I did all the things the lost pet web sites say to do, including an intense house to house search of homes/yards/garages/sheds, etc, but did not find her. I finally got desperate enough to hire a man who uses dogs to search for missing people and missing pets.
The dogs tracked my cat over one mile north of my house. The signals the dogs gave to their handler were that my cat died or was picked up by a predator at a corner in that area. I put up posters, and handed out fliers to the people living in the area, just in the tiny hope that the dogs were wrong, or that my cat had been picked up by a person. But, no luck. And, yes, I've checked the County animal shelter, including DOA reports, I've visited the Humane Society, etc.
My cat is just gone....and I too fell lost and broken. I've had cats since I was small, and have loved them all, but this last one touched my heart more than any cat I've ever had. My home is so empty and quiet with out her, and I didn't even get to do a loving burial for her or even know for sure what happened. I don't have words to describe how desolate and heartsick I feel.
My cousin called me, and we talked. Unlike my family, she seems to understand what I am going through. She too had a cat that was deeply loved and special to her. Some of our pets just really reach us, and we develop an incredibly deep bond with them. Losing a fur kid that we have connected to so strongly is achingly hard.
My cousin pointed out that when we are grieving it is too easy to be hard on ourselves, to second guess our decisions, to think that if we'd done something different that we would not have lost our beloved fur kid. I am also not convinced that we are supposed to 'learn' something from these kinds of painful experiences. To me, a deity who treated us like that would more deserve to be spat upon than worshiped.
I guess what is hard to accept is that our friends die when their bodies wear out. The hardest part about keeping pets is that their bodies usually wear out sooner than ours do. I know that even though there are many wonderful animals that need a home, I am just not ready to take on another pet right now.
I need to honor my cat by grieving fully for her loss, and hoping that I can express to her spirit how much I love her, how horribly I miss her, and how much I value and honor the love she gave me when she was here.
In the mean time, my heart goes out to you. I know painfully, all too well, just how miserable it feels, that emptiness where our beloved friends should be. I can't stop crying, either. I had to stuff my emotions in order to work, and my house was broken into one week after my cat disappeared.
Most of my life, I have loved the fall season, but I know I will have trouble enjoying it in the future, because I will always remember this time as the time when the cat I've love the most, disappeared.
I'm sure you've heard that grieving is a process, and we all have our own way of doing it. It really takes time, and when we have deeply loved someone (and, yeah, pets are family to me), then we can't be expected to just turn off the feelings. I read somewhere that it can take 3 years to process the loss of someone that we loved deeply. Try to be as gentle with yourself as possible, while you grieve the loss of your most beloved friend.

[orleans]

9. thank you for your very moving post

i am so very sorry for your loss.

the loss is terrible but i think, sometimes, the not knowing compounds it.
i lost my mom near the end of october. i know it has changed my feelings for the holiday i loved so much.

how lucky our special friends are to have been loved so very much.
and how fortunate we have been to be loved in return.

[love_katz]

10. Blessings to you, orleans.

Yes, the not knowing definitely compounds the pain.

I went out today to look at a kitty who I hoped would be my lost loved one...but it was not her.

Poor scared little cat...at least she has found a warm place to stay, and is being fed, and the nice woman who found her is trying to find the cat's owners. I also agreed to let the woman call me to see about adopting this cat, if the real owners can't be found. The lady has her own cat, and can't have another one.
Thank you for this statement: how lucky our special friends are to have been loved so very much.
and how fortunate we have been to be loved in return."

For my beloved cat, and for your beloved furry one.

[jtuck004]

5. It probably won't make you feel any better if I tell you that you won't ever get over it.

But what you WILL learn to do is manage it. And I know how.

She was just one of several over the years, but I got Maggie from a rescue. Big, black, near 100 lbs. She peed all the way across Petsmart (where the rescue had her in one of the kennels from which they were showing animals) because she was so scared, so afraid of people. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I worked with her, learned from her, perhaps more than any other we have had. We went from basic obedience to where she blossomed, agility, (Funny seeing bigger dogs doing that stuff). It was there that she seemed to catch on that she had a place in the world. After that she became a therapy dog, and went from being afraid of everyone to bringing comfort and approaching people who would be in the hospital for weeks upon weeks. (You have no idea how astounded or emotional I was when she walked over to a complete stranger in the hospital for the first time and put her head in their lap. Or the night that the guy reached from his bed to her back, and laid there sobbing as she helped him ease the pain which had been buried for so long).

Ten years after we got her, in 2003, I had to leave Oklahoma and go to California on business. Got to my destination, and there was a call from my wife. Maggie had walked into the other room and collapsed, and it was over. I dropped what I was doing, turned around, walked back out the door, and went home. 6 months later I felt much like you are describing. By the time a year had passed, however, it had gotten easier to manage. As the years went by, it got easier to think about the good times and the bond we had, to think about her and not my loss. And, of course, there have been and are others, and they take up most of my thoughts now. I could drop back in a moments notice, but that would be about me and my needs, not about her. Besides, it wouldn't help her, and others need me now.

You aren't alone. And I know you didn't ask for advice, but here's some anyway. If you want to feel better, go walk some dogs at the shelter. Or get some treats or something and just go say hello to some of them. This is a hard time of year for dogs in shelters, (if there is ever an easier time) and if yours is like most cities, some will never leave there. You could be the last person that brings them a little comfort. It might be difficult, but it will be a damn sight harder for them, I suspect. Or find a food pantry that helps pets and see if you can do a little for one or some of them, because they often don't get funding for pets, just people. Believe me, there is something you can do, because there is a lot of need out there.

And what you will find is that as you do that, and you begin to think about them. they will return that favor by taking a little of your pain away. If you can find some to pet and hold, you may find that it just flows out of you like a river.

I say this because it sounds like you are a little overwhelmed with it all right now, and there is no need to bear it all on your own. Dogs have a limitless capacity for taking that pain from you, no matter how much you bring them. Go try it and see what happens.

We will have some good thoughts for you both.

[auntAgonist]

7. jtuck004 Thank you SO much for your beautiful post!

I'm sure that it touched many of us in many ways. You obviously understand the relationship between a human and their furkid.

What a wonderful retelling of your Maggie's life.

thank you again.

aA
kesha

[nikto]

12. 2 1/2 years later ... I read this post of yours ...

Great post.

And I must say, as a result, I am prediposed to respect your opinions about anything (politics included),
based upon your expressed feelings and interactions with animals.

[auntAgonist]

13. Welcome to our little group Nikto.

[fadedrose]

6. I totally understand

Went thru this a couple of times.

Hurts like hell.

Somebody who is not a dog person could not come close to knowing how you feel.

Somewhere there's a dog who needs to help somebody wrap presents and would like to be hugged.

[auntAgonist]

8. Thinking of you and hoping as each day passes

Your tears are less and your memories happier.

You've been through so much theses past times and I hope things turn around for you. They say that tears are good for us. I'm not so sure

Take care of yourself and know that you're never far from my thoughts.

aA
kesha

[orleans]

11. thank you, kesha

(i posted to you the other night but i guess the site or my computer was too slow--and the post never made it here)

i remember thinking (and writing to you) my thoughts about tears. i said:
i think tears are the sorrows of the soul.

tonight i found this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." --Washington Irving

thank you for your warm and kind thoughts.