sometimes it's the simple things

[orleans]

no one can take the pain away
and it comes and goes and ebbs and flows

it sneaks up on you when you think you’re doing alright and then you say out loud, (to yourself of course): let’s make some spaghett.

“spaghett” -- a phrase not belonging to you
a phrase spoken by the one whom you just can’t seem to get over
a phrase you would give anything to hear them speak again

not even a phrase
but a word. a single fucking word.
and upon realization of that--your world tumbles, crumbles apart around you once again.

and through the tears and refreshed trauma
you think: i hope this spaghetti dinner is worth it--worth all the emotional turmoil it’s putting me through

and you’re no longer hungry--don’t feel like eating a damn thing.

and the drink you make doesn’t kill the pain fast enough, doesn’t numb the heart quick enough,
doesn’t stop the thought process nearly enough.

god, you miss them so much.

and you know you’ll eat the spaghetti anyway. might as well. look at all you’ve gone through just to make it.

whoever would have thought making spaghetti could be so heart-wrenchingly difficult?

you knew. there was never a doubt in your mind.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Oh, my dear orleans...

So eloquently said...

[orleans]

3. thanks peggy

i guess my emotions found me/caught up to me tonight as i reached in the cupboard for a box of angel hair pasta.

i've been trying to dodge them ever since but it appears that there is no where to hide from them tonight. maybe i haven't been giving them enough attention lately and that would explain why they are being so pesty and demanding, following me around, sneaking up on me, jumping out at me when i least expect it--causing me to actually "gasp" before they actually hit me full on.

i had some work i thought i wanted to get done tonight. maybe i really didn't want to get it done tonight after all.

[fadedrose]

2. Thank you

I think you just explained why I do and say some of the things that pop into my mind.

We all miss some people so much, and making that spagehetti brings them back for a short while.

I feel like that when I make traditional dishes for Christmas . . and feel almost possessed until I get them done.

And they're never as good, notice that?

[orleans]

4. you're welcome.

i think my mother whispers to me fairly often--and subconsciously, i'm hearing her or picking up on her. it's the words/expressions/phraseology that will fly into my head, altering an idea or thought process.

and with those holiday/christmas traditional dishes? oh yes. i understand. and sometimes it's almost a driving force pushing me to make them (because i never was into it that much). and (lol) you are right--they were always better before.

[Uben]

5. All I have left are the recipes....

My wife was an excellent cook. She could make anything and it was always delicious. I watched and helped her enough to have learned how to make most of them myself (with recipe of course). Those recipes are really all I know how to make, but they are good and diverse enough to keep variety. I don't eat out much because it would require travelling to town, and the food would only be so-so anyway.
I remember her trying to get me to eat broccoli. I never really cared much for it, but she steamed some crowns, rolled them in melted butter and added some lemon juice. Now, it's like candy to me! I could make a whole meal of just broccoli! I'm a meat and tater guy, but she always found a way to infuse some good greenery in my diet.
Good thing I have a dog cuz I always make way more than I can eat. He was used to eating her cooking, too. Sometimes he goes back and licks his bowl two or three times just to make sure there wasn't any morsels left.

[orleans]

6. i'm glad you kept her recipes and have such nice memories of her cooking

the last number of years i was with my mom i did all of the cooking. so it's not so much her cooking i miss as it is her company, her laugh, her conversations with me, her silly phraseology (like the word "spaghett&quot ; just the general physicality of her being here.
i miss *her*
the essence of *her*
and sometimes that longing sneaks up on me when i least expect it
sometimes i feel it is there, repressed, and lingering in the background

but it always seems to find a way to surface (sooner if not later)

lately it hits me when i'm in the grocery store and pass near the card & floral section. there are all these st. patrick's day cards, balloons, shamrocks -- and (not that st. paddy's day was so all important to us because it wasn't) -- but it reminds me of so much of the fun we would have anticipating, decorating, party planning, surprising, getting to celebrate any holiday--just for the fun of it. (from when i was little, and all through my life and with my daughter--my mom was such an integral part of the joy in my life.) (don't get me wrong--we had our ups and downs and arguments and fights. but we were always genuine with each other. but overall, we were both happy as hell to have each other in our lives.)

and seeing this celebratory stuff in the store just gets to me, you know? i start tearing up. i have to move quickly past it, around it, through it. because i miss that joy--that any little reason to celebrate and have fun, that happiness. it's gone.

it's just been really hard finding that sense of joy again. so far i've been very unsuccessful. and i miss it so badly.

[Uben]

7. Yeah, I know the feeling....

....does it get better? I don't know, I suppose it will, eventually. But, we should just consider ourselves fortunate to have had them in our lives. There are so many in this world who never really know happiness and contentment. I'm not unhappy, just sad that something so wonderful is no longer available to me.