I just finished a workshop where the prompt was about who'd you call if you needed someone. Here's what I wrote:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

I would talk to Andy. I cannot talk to him now, or ever again. It's been almost a year since he died. His death left an irreplaceable hole in my soul. It seems to me that never again will I have someone in my life who knew me as well as he did. I find myself inventing conversations with him, but these don't really help, since I never knew what he would say. His creativity, wit and overall knowledge of so many things made him the perfect person to talk to. Our connection was deep and so very comforting to us both.

And now all of that--Gone. Usually I can handle the grief, but today it seems stronger than usual. It hurts, a lot. And there is no cure for it--except maybe time.

Time has helped, a little. I've gotten used to his being gone. Mostly. But no question about how hard it's been, and promises to keep on being.

In 16 days, I will be 81. It was on my birthday last year that he called to tell me that he had cancer. It was a terrible moment. I survived it but that day ushered in what is probably my worst year ever.

I crashed my car; it took 2 months to fix.
Multiple falls.
And now, the lost election and the return of the worst person ever to occupy our White House.

I could wish for his return--and I have. It's an impossible pipe dream and it doesn't help.

Every now and then, I remember being in his presence as we played together. I remember my joy and contentment. That does help. I can only hope that these joyful memories will stay with me and help me heal. I don't ever want to forget how much we loved each other. I will always remember this. He helped change my life.

[snowybirdie]

1. So sorry

for your loss. The hardest part of aging.

[FM123]

2. I am so very sorry.

Not that it would help, but I wish I could give you a hug right now.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Here's one for you, my dear FM123:

Even virtual hugs help!

[FM123]

9. Thank you, my dear.

[Diamond_Dog]

3. Some people in our lives are irreplaceable.

And we feel like part of us is gone forever with their passing.

But I’m sure Andy would want you to keep on keeping on, traveling, discovering, learning, and growing. My opinion is, you’re never too old to learn something new.

The worst part today is that many of us fear spending the end of our lives with this monster at the helm of our country. I don’t know how to address that. Perhaps memories of past good deeds, good experiences, friends, and family, will have to do, for now…..

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. You're entirely correct, my dear Diamond_Dog, about irreplacable people . . .

Part of me IS gone.

And you're also right that Andy would want me to keep on keeping on, traveling, discovering, learning, and growing. He was always that way about his own life.

And I feel the same about the monster. It's horrifying. But we must make the best of it.

[Diamond_Dog]

6. Yes,

Hopefully not for long.

[badhair77]

7. What a loss, Peggy,

and you wrote a beautiful tribute to Andy. But we must remember what a gift the Andys of our world were. Imagine never having known someone like him. My husband passed four years ago and just when I’m feeling sad and lost I somehow consider how fortunate I was to have him in my life. Many people don’t have those kind of memories, so I find some comfort in counting my blessings. I can tell you’re counting yours and I’m confident those memories will stay with you. I wish you peace and healing.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. Thank you so much, my dear badhair77 . . .

And you've written very eloquently about your loss as well.

I know how lucky I was. To meet someone at this late stage of my life is nothing short of miraculous. I really feel that. And those memories are very comforting. Of course, they're ghosts. The real man, the flesh and blood man, is the one I miss the most.

I will have peace and healing--someday.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

10. I'm so sorry you have suffered--are suffering--

this loss. I wish perseverance and healing for you. You have strength to have persevered this far without Andy. I hope time will help heal the wound the loss has left in you.



I have to admit that your post evoked selfish thoughts of how poorly I would deal with losing my husband, who is the only person I feel truly close to. I can't imagine getting out of bed to face a day without him. :

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. Thank you so much, my dear Dark n Stormy Knight . . .

I am surviving and I know things will get better. I know Andy would want me to be happy, as much as possible. He had his own share of personal losses and with time, he overcame them and knew joy again.

I hope that my journey will encourage you to see your own path if the worst happens.

[imavoter]

12. I'm so sorry.

I lost my husband just over three years ago, and it doesn't get any easier.
I think I'm starting to get used to him being gone, sort of, as I go through my day.
I think that sometimes, but I'm not used to it also.
But it's certainly not easier.

Nothing I can say can really help, but it does help sometimes knowing people understand deep grief.
Deep love doesn't need to be healed.
The thing that helps me most is to not let circumstances or people tell me how I should feel.

And people sure do say some stupid sh*t to the bereaved.

Thanks for sharing.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. Thank you so much, my dear imavoter!

And please forgive my very tardy response.

Thank goodness, everyone I've talked to has been extremely kind. That is a blessing. Some of them knew Andy and that makes it even better.

I took a really good, detailed photo of the moon the other night (this was something that Andy really helped to teach me) and I was so happy at how well it turned out. And then suddenly I was sobbing as I realized he'd never get to see it. These moments don't happen often, but they turn me inside out when they do. They tell me that I'll never 'get over' this loss even though most of the time, I am used to it. I am coping. That is all I can do.

Thank you once again.