There is a constant melancholy in losing a spouse. I realize many others have lost a husband or wife.

[Duncanpup]

Yet i just can’t shake this in losing my wife. No amount of grief therapy or depression meds can make feel normal.
And I stopped the meds as i discovered they are just a band aid for the symptoms and now i have to stay sharp because of this climate we live in politically if it goes to violence.

And even attempting to date is I find so draining I met a very beautiful woman a widow and we clicked in our way of thinking in life politics or religion.

Many similarities between this fine person and my wife she is smart strong independent educated as my wife was she has Doctorate I have C.D.L. and a union card stamped July 1987.

Oh and as my wife she has Jedi snark powers in which i find attractive and sarcasm they both oozed sarcasm.

She commented on phone other day a conversation we had once in meeting her sister and brother in law and these two asked over dinner why i did not order alcoholic beverage.

In this conversation other night i was driving and i jokingly told her shit I had a senior moment I’m almost 59 i just blew a scale house that was weighing commercial vehicles. Now in tractor we have electronic logs and it will tell you weigh station ahead we usually get By-pass signal as they weigh in motion on highway.

Yet as when it’s my turn to drive nights I lower the electronic log to total blackout and dash lights to as low as they will go I don’t care for cab lights.
And I’ve been past this scale many times as other scales over thirty years and I told her I think I got By -pass I thumbed up lights on cab log computer and it just showed like three hours left to drive.

I said well no Missouri D.O.T. is not pulling me over and she commented praise jesus I love her sarcasm.

So back to this dinner around Christmas with her sister and brother in law they inquired why i did not order alcohol with my meal I said I’m not wanting to drink and they continued to ask questions and I told them I have three years almost four sober.

And they both replied at dinner praise Jesus i let that slide yet in car on way home she said I’m sorry I forgot to mention that her sister and husband are very religious.

I said yea it isn’t Praise Jesus it’s medical science that has given me the distance Naltrexone is meds and i stopped this meds year ago with advice from Doctor.
And I have no clue how it worked yet I’m here and sure I still get urge to pickup yet they go away and i do not drink.

Yet i can only offer friendship to this woman no relationship I just do not have the lets do this again I’ve tried and I find it to be exhausting emotionally.

Other morning at our terminal out on coast there is a new dispatcher and she is spitting image of my wife thirty years ago long red hair freckles her eyes. I turned my paperwork in had go out to tractor sit that messed up my head space and timing seeing this young lady.

Just a bad punctuation dyslexic ramble no sympathy asked yet my mind races this morning over coffee doing wash getting ready to leave for coast 04:00 tomorrow.

Re -bid March I’m going solo home every day or back to yard jockey eight and the gate in which i prefer that.

My furry boy needs me Dunc the golden retriever and I’ve decided once my son 20 is through union carpenter apprenticeship I’m out taking my pension.

And travel back to Europe see the places i haunted as young soldier.
Most definitely travel to Sinai to see Charlie sector we covered on M.F.O. when I was young trooper.

So beautiful and desolate high desert mountains maybe swim in the Red Sea again as we did as young soldiers supposed be patrolling and we’d spend time on the beach calling in fake locations.

It was completely safe then being in Sinai walking those mountains memories a herd of goats in front of us going up hill no problem here we are rucksacks weapons in great shape us sucking wind making for same Bedouin village as those goats

Or one memory walking mountain trails and a Cobra rears up in front of us point man stops the patrol and points snake yea we go around.
Yet that cobra was so beautiful watching it sway that area the mountains absolutely nothing except snakes goats and Bedouins was so beautiful even the sun rise and sun sets take your breath away.

Have great day D.U. Community and love the one you’re with love them hard.

[questionseverything]

1. Ya got me crying, don't ever stop writing dunc

[maptap22]

2. I agree. Just passed 6 years of my husband's death....

I keep thinking it will get easier but it doesn't. Sure I get by. I have learned how to be alone but it feels worse as time goes by. Like he is slipping further and further away.

[tavernier]

4. Eight for me.

Easier now… until I think about it. Then I discover that tears are right there on the surface, just waiting for a memory. So I let them fall and have a moment. But then I go on. I always carry him with me, so it’s not like I’m alone. Same with my parents and dear friends. As long as I’m alive, they are too.

[Duncanpup]

16. Hugs

[tavernier]

20. Just can't beat a truck driver hug!

Thanks!

[NNadir]

3. One of the most beautiful things a person can feature is the ability to love.

You wouldn't feel all this pain if you hadn't known love.

I admire you.

[Marthe48]

5. My husband died in January 2017

Last edited Mon Feb 10, 2025, 06:04 PM - Edit history (1)

I have marked the date with a picture or comment on fb every year. Except this year. Because I flubbed the date. So I told his picture I was sorry.
I have realized in the last year that the sharp edges of loss are getting covered with some kind of protective fuzziness, so my reality isn't as bleak as it has been. Maybe with more time, things will feel easier for each of you who have mentioned that it hasn't gotten easier.
I am ok being solo. I am comfortable knowing that if I met someone, it is unlikely that I could offer anyone what I gave to my dear husband. But I'm always cheering on people who go from living the half life of grief and move back to light filled sunny hours.
As always, Duncanpup, you are a decent, principled man, and even if you always keep part of your heart for your dear wife, any lady in the here and now is getting the real deal.
Hope you get to follow through on your plans to retire and travel.

[Duncanpup]

6. Hugs to you

[Son of Stan]

7. dyslexic writing

I find the way you write has an internal consistency - a rythym that breaks up the "normal" narrative patterns turning your prose into poetry. In any case, my brain enjoys it immensely.
Never say never to love & joy. Surely your lost partner would want you to have them both.

[Ilsa]

8. Not yet three years for me. Feeling a little

stuck, but I know it's going to take time.

I don't want another marriage. I don't want to take care of someone. I don't want to be expected to make meals or learn someone's way of doing things. I just want to be around people close to my age so they'll understand my generalized past without me providing American and world history lessons.
I still miss my husband greatly. I'm frequently reminded of him.

[Duncanpup]

17. Hugs

[Easterncedar]

22. Almost 8 for me now

And I feel very much as you do

[LiberalLoner]

9. I'm so sorry for your loss. 😭😭😭 I didn't know you were a fellow MFOer! I was logistics, 1st Battalion and

I will always remember “Support the Force” and how the troops would change it to “support the farce” and “abort the force.”

And all of us telling one another, “have a MoFo day!”

[Duncanpup]

18. 😁😂

[JustAnotherGen]

10. I don't know if it is any comfort

But she's very lucky to be loved like 'that'.

I lost my mom suddenly in June. She had just been diagnosed with onset of a type of dementia (Lewy?SP?) We lost my dad in August 2011.

She said to me a few days before she died that she wanted to go before she forgot how much she loved my dad.

She never got over it. And you know what?

That's okay.

[Duncanpup]

19. I have tears for you.

[Easterncedar]

21. Oh my. That's beautiful and terrible

If we are lucky enough to have people to love, there will be grief for someone eventually. I have never gotten over any of them, but I try to hold on to the good memories and be properly grateful to have known such wonderful people. I would really rather go next.

[MLAA]

11. I so appreciate your posts.

Perhaps you could write a book on your future travels and tie each place back to the first time you were there. It would certainly be a best seller. My wish for you is that the sharp edges on the pain soften and the love and memories remain strong and vivid. But I know nothing of what this kind of grief is like, so really all I can offer is kind thoughts.

If you ever feel up to it, please tell us the story of how you and your wife met. Would love to know how such a great love began.

[marble falls]

12. Dammit Dunc, write the freaking book! Been asking for it for over 12 years!

[littlemissmartypants]

13. ❤️

[pioche4]

14. Hugs to you❣️

All the many strings of life experiences wove so many memories…I’ve found grief is like watching the waves in the ocean coast, sometimes it crashes hard, swift and high, and sometime, small, gentle and foamy….i appreciate the love that instigates the big waves and the small. Sending you strength, peace and friendship.

[sinkingfeeling]

15. A big hug to your golden boy and one for you.