I feel resentment toward my sister

[Aerows]

I don't hate her, she is just "sunshine, flowers and everything beautiful". She also lives 1500 miles away and judges me on how I am dealing with our parents. Nothing bad, really, but if I am not there immediately, I'm a pile of shit.

Toilet seat broken? Call Aerows to fix it on her day off.

Need help with something minor, which turns into you replacing the coil behind the clothes dryer? Aerows was called and responded. At 6PM fresh out of work. Done at 8PM.

Mother dumps pasta down the drain, proceeds to do the dishes in hot water

I know, responded, pulled out the pipes under the sink while getting screamed at not to make too big of a mess (?)

Dislodge a shit-ton of swollen pasta from said pipes, replace all.

Hear mom call my sister. "Somehow she fixed it, didn't take much. How are the kids?"

[Habibi]

1. I can understand that.

But what about your mom? Do you feel any resentment toward her, that she doesn't seem more grateful for what you do for her?

ETA: If her judgment is "nothing bad" but you are a "pile of shit" for not being on the spot immediately--well, that is bad.

[pnwmom]

2. I think you may need to start setting limits, Aerows. Try tell them when during the week you'll be

available to help them. If something comes up in the interim, they can either wait or call someone else to help -- unless it's a real emergency, which you get to decide.

Unless they are controlling you with money, which is a difficult situation. In that case you'll have to decide whether it's worth it to you to be at their constant beck and call.

[retrogal]

3. I have seen this so many times...

There is usually the one sibling taking care of their parent/s and the other sibling/s complain about everything you do. Nothing is good enough and they don't pitch in to help. I am sorry this is happening to you.
One example which happened to me is after my grandfather passed away I helped my grandmother with her yard work and changing light bulbs and things. My younger daughter would join in on the raking. I have 4 cousins two hours away that could have taken turns to come for the weekend or just a day to help with the mowing and stuff but NOPE everyone was busy with their own lives.

It happens so often in families. My mother and stepfather moved back and put their things in storage to live with my grandmother for the last 7 years of her life. My stepfather ended up with dementia before my grandmother passed way and by that time I had moved on the property and help care for him also.

For me the memories I have can never be replaced.

I have heard so many struggles of the critique other siblings give the one that is the caretaker.

Good luck!

[Pressumab]

5. Respect

I know we should always respect our mothers, but don't we all deserve some respect? Perhaps you ought to tell them how you feel about how they're treating you. Sometimes people, esp family, don't realize that they've pushed us far too much and we also need a break. I hope things will be better at your end.

[davsand]

6. I'm pretty much over my brother.

Mom will be 89 in a few days. She's diabetic with heart issues and stage 4 kidney failure. Recently she's been getting these weird skin infections and bladder infections that just keep popping up. It's like playing whack a mole because the damn things just keep popping up. This most recent one went from a visit to a nurse practitioner associated with her family practice doc on Thursday afternoon to a full blown medical emergency by Saturday morning. It turned into a massive foot ulcer that left bone exposed and threatened an amputation.

Brother dear rolls into town the second day she was in the hospital and proceeds to sit for 90 minutes in her room bitching at her because I asked him to show up to hear what her doctors had to say after they'd reviewed the tests and formulated a treatment plan. He's retired. It's not like he's got to hold down a job like I do. His wife is retired. They both have ALL kinds of time to go shooting (they are bigtime gun humpers.) He told his own mom he was too busy to be coming to the hospital. He told her and her doctor that there was no reason she couldn't be at home with that wound if only his sister wasn't too lazy to go dress that wound twice a day.

I was absolutely gobsmacked that he put on that kind of show. I've been taking her groceries, taking her to all her Dr appointments, and doing all manner of things trying to fight to keep her healthy and safe for the last couple years. Asshat says I'm some kind of derelict because I lack the medical knowledge to care for an open hole in a diabetic foot? You bet I resent it. That's shitty behavior to sit there with our mother telling her she's inconvenient. She's never once told us we were inconvenient. Far from it.

Every family has its own dynamic, and social workers know it. I've been absolutely open about mom's stated desire to age in place, my desire to do everything we can to provide her with the assistance she needs to stay safe and healthy, and the lack of support from my sibling. This will be his weight to carry someday when it's too late to help her, and I only have room to care for her and her needs right now.

I resent him for making her feel worse. Someday he and I will settle our own issues, but it will have to wait.


Laura