So my 82 year old mom who had a stroke 3 months ago is now home with her boyfriend.

[Maraya1969]

And I noticed she does not look as well as she did in the rehab. The first day home she was saying, "I'm so tired" and yesterday I noticed a lethargy about her also. And one of the big problems I know is her boyfriend, who is 83, insists on keeping the AC off or at around 85 degrees all the time. It was 85 degrees when I went there yesterday.

And he fights me like a wild boar to keep it hot like that. I went to the AC thingy and tried to turn it on and could not get it on. He finally turned it on after yelling at me some nasty things like he always does.

So later on I noticed it was very hot again and I went toward the AC and it said 85 again so I made some comments and he said, "Don't touch that. You don't live here" So when I was trying to turn it on again he pushed me out of the way. My mother got right in between us, (even though she has a lot of trouble talking she knows what is going on).

I don't know how I can get him to stop heating up the house. He says he pays 1/2 the AC, (it is my Mom's house) so I called my brother who is POA and told him to have the boyfriend just pay the basic amount he is paying now for electric and then pay the rest with Mom's money and tell him he can't shut the AC off anymore, (Mom,boyfriend live in FL as do I)

I was wondering if I could call an agency that could check in on them and tell him he has to keep the air on for her health. It was different before she had the stroke. For one thing she was out and about all the time. Also now she is supposed to be doing her lessons for speech and from what I can tell she doesn't do them unless I am there.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Hoppy]

1. Yes, with an agency or community social worker.

Also, was she assigned a visiting nurse when she left rehab?

Who is her physician? Contact his office.

Sounds like boy friend has a couple of loose screws.

[Maraya1969]

2. Thanks. I have contacted some people today but I did not contact her doctor.

I think that may help a lot.

[Habibi]

3. Yes, I think if a medico insists that the temp needs to be cooler for her well-being

it might make more of an impression on the BF. Good luck--let us know how it goes!

[Maraya1969]

4. I just spoke to her and she said they have or going to turn the AC on. I told them

about the health affects and how many elderly people die from the heat every year and I mentioned that it was a breeding ground for germs. I also called her doctor this morning and he may call her. She was speaking really well just now on the phone so I think she must be cooler.

Thanks to both of you!

[Habibi]

5. Good to hear!

[politicat]

6. Post-stroke often manifests as a lack of motivation. (Among other things)

This is why outpatient therapy can be... ineffective. It's like the circuit between wanting to do something and getting it done is fritzed. It's not lassitude or laziness, it's just a brain fault.

Is there any chance of getting in-home outpatient speech, OT and PT? I know getting out to go to therapy is part of the therapy, but it's the balance between compliance with therapy and the additional benefits of excursions.

In terms or hardware for AC: this is a place where a Nest thermostat might be a good idea, since it can be monitored from anywhere via an app. It requires a live wifi connection in the house, but they're simple to operate (much more so than the button on keypad type.)

Certainly, her doc needs to be in this loop, and if you have an elder care social work system, getting them in the loop will help. (Fresh eyes and all that, plus familiarity with services like Meals on Wheels, senior day programs, and care resources.)

As for the boyfriend... I agree, he can continue to pay his half of the base, but heat cannot be helping. Does the power system have a budget plan, that averages out the bill over the year? If they're already on that, well, the uptick won't come until whenever the re average is, and if not, switching them to that might cool his jets a little.

Also, that's two people in a fragile state with one as primary on-site caregiver. Personally, I'd be extremely wary. Even if he's fine, he's um... Past warranty and caregiving takes a physical toll. Social work definitely needs to be monitoring, even if only dropping in occasionally for welfare checks.

[Maraya1969]

7. Thanks for this. I'm going to check out things you said. I called the doc and I am calling

Elder care tomorrow. I've told her friend's, (none of them like him and they can't understand why she is with him). I'm definitely trying to tell as many people that can help the situation that I can. Her friends are going to stop by and if the heat is up they are going to be very vocal

I hate that her stroke has given her a laziness. She used to be on the go all the time. In the rehab she wasn't speaking her lessons out loud, (I figured that out) so I told on her to her speech therapist who did not seem surprised at all. But after that Mom started speaking better so I know she started speaking her lessons out loud.

[politicat]

8. It's not willful -- think of it as a broken circuit.

Think back to the last time you got a really nasty virus -- the flu, or a gastroenteritis. Down flat for several days, when watching TV is actual work and turning book pages feels like weight lifting? You know that level of fatigue and lassitude? That's similar to post stroke, because her brain has been injured and traumatized but it takes longer to fix. It may be a protective measure, to keep the body from going too far, too fast, too soon while all the connections reform.

Your mother is probably easily as frustrated because she knows her history. She's also probably dealing with shame since she feels out of control, and envy of those who still can be on the go. Getting assigned to the recuperative list feels like being "fired" or "put out to pasture." It's fine to grieve her injury, but the L word won't help and can hurt. After all, the young, the uninjured, the currently well have the right to choose to idleness.

It's great that her friends are willing to come to her. For a time, she'll have to borrow other people's motivation -- I.e. She'll go along with what others do. But as much as possible, give her choices -- even if only between A & B -- because the practice of choosing is vital to brain reconfiguration.

The good news is that the circuit can mend, given time. Her brain has other priorities first, like getting all communication and regulation within tolerance, then memory and abstraction, before executive function.